Happy Birthday!

It was my 55th birthday, a few buddies and I went to the Venetian Hotel to play drunk poker and then get drunker, our plan was working out swimmingly. We were at the bar drinking now and a very tall, very young and very beautiful black girl was smiling at me from a few seats down.

"Hey, Halle Berry, come over here!," I loudly semi-slurred. I have no problem talking to hookers, and I knew for sure she was a hooker because as I said before, she was smiling at me. She came over.

"I'm cuter than that bitch and you know it!" She modestly informed me, smiling.  I thought she was too, so I just apologized and told her, "You're 100% correct, Baby." I asked her, what her name  was and she told me,

"You tell me." With that, she took a pen out of her purse and  grabbed a napkin and  wrote on it: "La-a, that's my name, let's see if you're smart enough to pronounce it right.

" La a?" I said with the accent on the last a.

"Nope! "

"La a?" I guessed, with the accent on the La.

"Fuck no, that sounds stupid!" she explained.

"Okay I give up, how do you pronounce your name?" I asked, genuinely baffled.

"La DASH a!" she told me proudly, "The dash don't be silent!"

OMG, what a fucking character, I was in love! I ordered us a bottle of Champagne and another, we were having a ball, my friends had all left by now and we were talking about everything, she was 19, and had just gotten out of prison a month ago, she had done a year for prostitution, drugs and some other bullshit the cops made up. I knew about cops making up shit from my 11 days in a Tijuana prison, cops love to make busts, whether you actually did something or didn't, doesn't matter to a lot of them. I told her I had some Dom Perignon at home I was saving for a special occasion, why don't we go there and drink it?

She bounced out of her chair and said "What the fuck are we waiting for, Sweetie?!?" Wow, what a birthday! 

We took a cab from the Venetian to my place, I lived at The Jockey Club then, it's a hotel-timeshare-condo place, right on the strip next to the Bellagio. We got to my place and opened up the bottle, when she went to the bathroom, I hid most of my cash under the rug in my closet, I left 350 dollars in my pocket, she hadn't mentioned anything about money yet and I figured that 350 was fair.

Well, we finished about half the bottle of Dom when I couldn't stand it anymore and I rushed her into the bedroom where I took off her clothes as fast as I could, laid her on the bed and started licking her pussy like a rabid and crazed pac-man on PCP. She came violently twice and told me I was better than either of the 2 girlfriends she had in prison. It was one of my proudest moments! I was trying to give her a third orgasm but all the drinks finally took their toll and I fell asleep with my tongue on her clit or in the general area.(That was okay with me, because I genuinely liked her and I wasn't too psyched up about showing her my tiny dick.)

I woke up a few hours later, she was gone. I checked my pocket for the 350, it was gone too, that was fine.I checked under the rug in the closet, that money was there. I was still a little drunk, and hungover at the same time, I knew how to solve that problem, I stumbled into the kitchen and grabbed a beer. I had to go pick up my car at the Venetian, so I put on my pants and checked for the valet ticket, I couldn't find it. My packet of IDs that I keep in a rubber band in my pocket seemed a little light so I looked through them to discover my credit cards were gone, also my driver's license, fuck.

I checked my drawers and my 3 watches were missing, a  solid gold Rolex Submariner, a gold and stainless steel Breitling, and my favorite, a really beautiful solid gold Piaget Polo. This made me giggle a little because they were all knock-offs. My only real watch was a stainless steel Omega Constellation that I wore all the time and that was still on my wrist. I called up the credit cards and cancelled them. Fuck, I couldn't believe this girl had the balls to steal all that shit, plus my car! Wow, I guess that had something to do with the "Some other bullshit that the cops made up" part of her story. I walked to the Venetian and asked the valet guys if they had a 2006 Toyota Avalon anywhere, I told them I lost the ticket. After about an hour of looking, they came up empty, fuck me, she stole it. Now I didn't know wtf to do, I called my insurance company and told them I thought the car was stolen, I told them basically the truth, I said I got very drunk last night and didn't want to drive and I don't know where it is but i think it might have gotten stolen. They said I had to call the police and make out a report. Fuck me, I didn't want to get the cops involved, I really didn't lose much, I only paid 100 a piece for the watches,(they were really nice knock-offs) the credit cards were cancelled and the car was insured, I knew I would get more than the car was worth from the insurance company.. But if they caught this girl for grand theft auto she would probably have to do some hard time,and it would probably be easy to catch her, I had navigation on the car, yeeesh, what a fucking idiot she was, I'm an idiot too, very often, so I feel compassion for fellow idiots.

I walked back to the Jockey Club. They only have valet parking there, no regular parking so I knew all the valet guys. Was there a chance that I drove home last night and couldn't remember? I asked them, they said no, but a tall black girl had come with the car about an hour ago, left it with them for 10 minutes, then came back and picked it up. Wtf?!? I told them that's cool, but if she brings it back again, don't give it back to her, they said no problem.

I went up to my apartment, opened the door and found that she had slipped my credit cards and driver's license under the door, okay. Well now I knew pretty much for sure she was going to bring the car back, so calling the cops was out, that was a relief. So I just sat in my apartment, with no car, waiting for her to come back. I passed the time calling up my friends and giving them the scoop, they all got a big kick out of it. 

Finally at about 8 PM, I got a phone call and it was her. "Are you fucking nuts?!? Do you know how much fucking trouble you can get into for stealing a fucking car?!?" I inquired.

"I know, I'm sorry." She told me. "Just bring the car back here right now, okay?!? I wasn't really too mad, but I wanted to act like I was for some reason. "Okay," she said, "are you going to have the cops there waiting for me?"

"No, I could have called them anytime, I didn't want you to get in all that trouble, just get over here right now, okay? I have things to do."

"Okay," she said, then she told me, "I brought those watches to a friend, he only offered me 30 bucks for all three of them,I still have them, how can you be such a fucking phony?!?" She was giggling now.

"Oh go fuck yourself." I advised, I was smiling now too.

"Was that Omega you were wearing a phony too?"

"Yes," I told her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. "Just hurry up and get over here!"

"Okay, I'll be over in a little bit." She showed up around midnight.I was already asleep. "Hi,baby, I'm sorry." She told me.

"That's okay, don't worry about it." I mumbled.

"Is it okay if I stay here tonight?" She asked." I'm exhausted, I did so much with your car today, thanks for not calling the police."

I told her okay, but I'm just going back to sleep. She crawled in next to me and started grabbing my dick, "Honey, can you please give me a little more money, please?" she asked while stroking me. "What the fuck, you got 350 last night for drinking Dom and having 2 orgasms, plus a free car all day long, I'll only give you another 100 bucks, that's it." I was a tough negotiator.

"Okay baby, that's fine, thanks." She was okay. When we woke up the next morning, I walked her to the door.

"How come you decided to bring everything back, anyway?" I asked her.

She told me, "I was driving down the strip with your car, and all I could think of was, how can I do all  this to that nice little old man?"

Ouch. 

(Images from Pixabay)