Fighting with yourself

I am very skeptical by nature but also very guillable. I tend to not believe conspiracies and other weird things, but tend to trust people maybe more than needed. This is an interesting combination - to me - that has some bizarre side effects in my life: I am risk-adverse but can invest in the most riskier things too if someone I trust can convince me is sound. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it's a pit of waste.

What I want to say by all this is that sometimes I feel that I'm actually destined to repeat the same thing over and over again. The only way to protect myself from this would be to be surrounded by the best people possible who also have my best interest in mind. That's not such an easy thing to happen as most people have their own interest in mind. Obviously.

But is my attitude towards all this: despair basically as the chance of escaping my own nature are slim : is warranted? I think not. Again, I think is another of my pre-dispositions.

What I'm thinking these days is that fighting your own nature is the only way to make any progress. Adjusting to this or that and being honest to yourself is a good way to stir into the desired direction. Reading, learning and applying is how the adjustment are fine-tuned. Ultimately, it's a slow grind to an improvement that will never feel enough. But ti's all we got, ain't it?

The good news is that almost everyone is in the same boat. We all have dark, toxic and useless inclinations and strengths. One need not cancel the other. We can fight for the side we want to win, and alter the odds. Is winning certain?

I am not sure. The stoic philosophy say that focusing on changing what you can change is the only good option in life. By this definition, some measure of success will come just by choosing - often - to do just that. You can only change two things: Your thoughts and your actions.

I find myself happy with the idea that we can change our thoughts and change our actions and improve. We might never be as good as the best, but we can be better than our worst. And that's not nothing.