A thing about cowardice

-As related to photography which is my main activity and thing I think about now-

I mostly try to do street photography and street portraits which come with a special kind of challenge: the fear. I am not sure if this kind of fear is experienced by other photographers but I am sure is not quite the same. The fear here is very special and has many facets. One reason for it is that you don't know what will happen if you take this photo. You'll photograph real live humans doing something probably at least a little interesting - why else would you take the photography?! - and that might have various consequence.

Many street photographers try to stay hidden and unnoticed and they go on with their day after they take. Some are more daring and don't care and deal with it later. But they all experience this fear. Are we doing something illegal or imoral that should make us feel exposed to people's reaction in this way?

I really don't think so. Yet a man with a camera is still - in the age of ubiqutos smartphone - a little dangerous and suspect. Why is he taking that photo?

So this fear is something that all street photographers will have to deal with and work against. It's never an exercise of walking, seeing, clicking, improving. Most often, the sequence is something like this: walking, seeing, hesitating, missing the moment. Or maybe: walking, seeing, almost taking the photo but getting a dirty look, pretending to take a different photo. The fear which leads to hesitation, indecision and ultimately not doing anything is what keeps us with nothing to show for it after long walks through the town.

As my main thing is portraits, for which I need to actually talk with people. I ran into this problem even more acutely While you can still take a cool street photo even with hesitation or by finding a situation that has no anxious context attached ( some pigeons fighting over a hamburger for example ) I never run into an easy portrait. Each one is earned and each one requires me to fight myself, my natural shyness, my hesitations and assumptions and open my mouth to say:
"Can I take your photo?".

It's not getting any easier too which is baffling.

Today I've seen a few people that were really interesting to me and would have been good to take their photos and yet, I could not say anything. I hesitated, debated internally and missed the chance.

On going home with the camera on the same position (which is depressing in itself) I realized that while I tend to wallow over missed opportunities, this is really not that tragic. Opportunities for portraits abound. Every corner, every minute, every day brings more and more, an endless stream of people looking interesting. There will always be people to photograph.

No, the issue is one of cowardice. I don't have an opportunity problem. I have a cowardice problem.
If I can get over my fears and be bolder, I will be able to grab more opportunities and take more photos, improving faster and gaining more confidence which might lessen my cowardice even more.

That's what I should work on. And every day I start with this in mind and end with this in mind.
Because you see, the fear manifest differently when you're at home making a plan vs when you're in the town approaching strangers. As Mike Tyson said: "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth".
Well, I have my plans..until the fear starts rumbling in my stomach. I know it, I am prepared for it and yet the punch still dazzles.