Be Vewy Vewy Quiet, We're Hunting... Comedy Open Mic Round 18

It's been such a long time since I have actually posted something, but when you get nominated for something you should follow through, right? But what if your sense of humor is an acquired taste? Anyway, let's give it a shot. Thank you @diebitch for nominating me.

The events you are about to learn of are based on the true story of a little boy. A boy who lived in a second story apartment. An apartment that had no fireplace, no real chimney. Just one door that led to the stairs to the apartment, another door that led out onto a sort of balcony, and windows all the way around the house.

This young boy, like every other child almost anywhere in the world, was taught of things like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny -- tales of characters that come into your house while you are sleeping. While there, they eat your cookies, drink your milk, dye some of your eggs. Who knows what else they do in silence while you are asleep? If it weren't for the fact that these home invaders left gifts and delicious solid and hollow chocolate and white chocolate bunnies, and those chocolate covered coconut egg thingies behind, it would all be a bit terrifying. Honestly, it still sort of was for this young boy.

Being the intelligent and industrious young boy that he was, he devised a plan to capture these breaker and enterers red-handed. Each year, much to the despair of his four older brothers and sister and his mother, this young boy would set some traps and different alarms to alert him from a sound sleep that the jolly old man in the red suit and that bunny with the fake grass were there in the house with him.

Of course the little boy had no fireplace and no chimney, so how was Santa getting into the house each year? And that damned bunny, where was his point of entry anyway??? Well of course, they had to come in through one of the fourteen windows or two doors of the apartment. It couldn't very well be the narrow exhaust pipe leading out of the roof from the furnace. If Nick tried coming in that way, it would certainly lead to a sudden death and incineration once he was trapped in the furnace.

So each year, the little boy would save empty cans as the particular holidays approached. He would hoard some string or beg for his mother to bring some home from the store. He would string all of these cans together in an elaborate makeshift alarm system. A few cans attached to each window, half a dozen attached to the doorknob of the upstairs door leading in from the stairway. An occasional pot with a carrot and an egg under it with a stick holding up, all in an attempt to lure the bunny in if he managed to covertly avoid the alarm system.

One year his one brother (who was 10 years older than him) pointed out how that small pot would never trap the Easter Bunny because he was MUCH bigger than a normal bunny. Time to revisit that terrifying angle. A bunny the size of a small child or maybe an adult? How would the little boy ever get to sleep on Easter Eve again? His brother soon regretted making up these stories as he was sent across the street to the nearby convenience store to retrieve a box. One of those cases that contained many packages of diapers. That should be big enough to trap that damned scary bunny!

After many years with little luck on discovering the bunny or oversized gift-giver, the little boy's mother tired of the madness. She limited the little boy to alarming just the door at the top of the stairs and two windows. The little boy gave in after throwing a fit and running away to the weirdly-placed kitchen table that always sat in the corner of the living room covered in junk --the table the little boy would cover in a sheet so no one could see under it, a table where he could now run away from home underneath it - yet still manage to see the TV while roughing it on his own in the world.

He soon emerged and agreed to the two window plan, but insisted that every other window be locked tight!

Alas, more years passed. No confirmed captures were ever recorded. Although he will share with you, if you ask, that there were a number of times those alarms were set off, the carrots and eggs mysteriously disappeared, and even Santa tore his jacket or pants once on one of the alarms leaving behind a swath of red fabric.

And thus ends our story. Don't look at me like that! I was a weird little kid! What did I know? It definitely didn't help to have siblings that were 10-15 years older than me. They loved to add to the tortured youth of a terrified little boy worried a giant bunny was going to stuff him in a basket under some fake plastic grass as a treat for his own kids at home.

I nominate @llfarms and @vadimlasca to make an entry for COM.

Images from Pixabay - Santa Giant Bunnies