"My First Date On Tinder" ... Writing Prompts Contest (Week 2) + ComedyOpen Mic #41steemCreated with Sketch.

in #writingprompt5 years ago (edited)

My First Date On Tinder

“Hi, you must be Quill.”

“Ah … yes, yes I am.”

“I’m Jan,” and, after a moment of silence, “May I take a seat?”

“Yes, yes, of course,” I recovered enough to stand, walk around the table and pull out her chair. I returned to mine and sat down. I was reeling. Flabbergasted really. Movie-star good looks, gorgeous long black hair and porcelain skin. Classy clothes, hair perfectly coiffed and nails manicured to perfection … painted in an ultra-feminine shade of pinkish-pearl.

That was Jan’s Tinder profile picture.

The Jan sitting across the table was decidedly not that Tinder Jan.

This Jan had the geometry of a giant pear. Her hundred pounds of surplus were distributed as if by gravitational lensing. Yes, she had an hourglass figure, but the upper part of the hourglass was her Churchillesque jowls, which tapered down to where most women have breasts, before again flaring out into an ass the size of a Volkswagon.

She had scrawny collar-length hair, the color of dishwater following a feast, and the nails on her ham-fisted clubs were chewed back to the first line of knuckles … and what little was left were painted a sold-only-in-Dollar-Stores sky blue ... a fact made all-the-more glaring given she eschewed all other make-up.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you. And let me say, Quill, you are as handsome in person as in your profile pic.”

Social custom required a rejoinder of equal or greater magnanimity. But I knew pulling off a bald-faced lie, dressed up like a compliment, was beyond my current ability to articulate. Taking stock, I recognized that my IQ had plummeted and the gears were working as if greased with glue. It was as if someone had walloped me with a 2x4 across the skull … several times. So, with a weak smile, “Thanks. You know … I don't think I would have recognized you. Have you, perchance … changed your hair?”

Women change their hair all the time and it’s not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. Although, many women will infer a compliment merely because a man noticed. Such non-compliment compliment was the best I could ad lib with a straight face.

“Oh, my profile pic. That’s not me. It’s Sela Ward when she was younger. You have to be careful about putting real pictures online … there are weirdos everywhere. Besides, no one believes those profile pics anyway. Profile pics are just clickbait.”

I’m in advertising … and it became apparent that the universe had just opened up a can of kick-ass Karma in revenge for all the hyperbole, exaggeration and ‘selling the sizzle, not the steak’ in which I’d engaged over the years. The hypocrisy of it prevented my protesting the poetic justice upon which I was about to dine.

“Anyway, beauty’s skin deep. It’s what’s inside that counts. Right?”

The waiter showed up. I ordered a Double White Russian, a drink containing four shots of alcohol. Jan ordered likewise. Before long, she was a lascivious lush. Lecherous, lewd, lustful, licentious, libidinous. Alliterate all you like. The Virgin-Whore complex of the male imagination requires contrasting duality and, with each additional drink, she proved herself utterly incapable of multi-tasking.

I, on the other hand, was descending into my own private Hell, free-falling as I desperately searched for an off-ramp ... no longer even concerned about the mixing of metaphors. No matter what I tried, I could not make myself sexually un-attractive to this demon, determinedly pulling me in, hand-over-hand, towards the raging fires of her libertine loins.

For a brief moment, I thought I’d found a path from perdition. As Jan started regurgitating the finer points of feminist doctrine, it occurred that offense-to-ideology might be my salvation.

I informed her that I'd voted for Trump and that there were only two genders. I doubled down, arguing that the Wage Gap had been disproven on countless occasions and that Rape Culture was utter lunacy. After a moment of shock, her eyes narrowed, she smiled and stared deeply into my eyes: “Well, opposites attract, don’t they? I guess it would be like sleeping with the enemy. That … is so HOT.”

All the fibers in my body cringed in unison. Jan seemed unable to articulate a sentence not dripping in sexual innuendo and with each such utterance, I took another 2x4 to the skull. I was constantly off-balance, incapable of recovering from the blows mercilessly raining down upon me.

I’m attracted to classy women, women with a manner of comportment reflecting a bit of pride and nobility … and hence, the swiping right on ‘Sela Ward when she was younger.’ Jan was the ultimate un-Sela and I felt naked and afraid in the face of her relentless onslaught.

Jan’s dining etiquette seemed reminiscent of the sensibilities one might expect to find at the court of Henry VIII: Chewing with her mouth open, an seeming aversion to the use of cutlery and, not just sucking her fingers clean, but tonguing them … while casting wanton glances in my direction. And, she was a veritable eating machine. No morsel of food went to waste. She cleaned her plate, and mine, like a bear packing on the pounds prior to hibernation.

I began to pray for Divine Intervention. Or a Terrorist Attack. Anything to change the dynamic. The waiter wheeled up a dessert cart. Jan helped herself. This was the last course and my panic had become palpable. I knew EXACTLY what Jan had in mind for post-gorging recreation.

I excused myself, proferring that I needed to use the Men’s Room. Jan giggled, “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.” I had not harbored any such concerns but fawned as if it was nice to be reassured.

When I entered the Men’s Room, I glanced at the urinals. I passed them by and headed for the stalls. I entered into one, closed and locked the door and sat down on the toilet. I needed to think. To gather my wits and come up with a strategy. “Come on Quill, pull it together. You’re a smart guy. What would Napoleon do?”

Artillery barrage ... and bayonet charge. I imagined myself atop a great white steed at Austerlitz, commanding my right flank to advance.

“You’re wasting time, you fool! Focus. Extricate yourself!”

I stood and peered over the walls of the stall. There were no windows in the bathroom. Nothing's ever easy. I sat back down to think some more.

Eventually, I came up with a plan.

As I hurriedly approached the table, I put on the best 'desperate and distressed' look I could muster. I did not sit. “Jan, I’m sorry … I’ve gotta run. I just checked my messages,” pulling out my wallet and laying down enough cash to cover whatever the bill. “My younger brother has just been in a terrible car accident. He’s in the hospital. I’ve got to leave.”

“Oh no! That’s terrible.” Jan began standing as if to hurry out with me. Thankfully, I’d anticipated this move. Napoleon had counseled his generals to always consider not just what the opposing force would do, but could.

“No, no, Jan. You stay here and finish your dessert. My younger brother lives in Nova Scotia in Canada. I’m off to the airport.” The idea was to create and maintain momentum, an inertia that precluded idle chit-chat. Don’t give her a chance to fall back and re-group. Duck and dive. It's harder to hit a moving target. And, I felt certain, that giving her the choice between abandoning her Crème Brûlée or unplanned cross-continental travel, she would opt for a spoon. She did.

“You’ll call me when you get back?

“Of course,” I lied with a determination unequaled in all the annals of human deceit and deception.

I strode out of the restaurant without so much as a backward glance. Outside, I broke into a jog as I headed for my car. The feeling of victory, snatched from the jaws of defeat, began coursing through my veins. Freedom. “Don’t get cocky!" I chastised myself. "You’re not safe until you’ve cleared the airspace.” I shifted my car into gallop and channeled Napoleon on his way out of Russia with an army of Cossacks at his back.


Quill


This post is an entry into @themarkymark's competition: Writing Prompts Contest (Week 2): "Your First Tinder Date."

It also serves as my entry in @ComedyOpenMic #41.

For participation in both august contests, I nominate @old-guy-photos & @cryptogee.

*****


FYI: I have never used Tinder, or any other online dating app, and now, having contemplated the consequences ... never will.

You guys know the drill. Be verbose ... but articulate.

And remember ...

Go Love A Starving Poet

For God's sake ... they're starving!


Sort:  

Hi quillfire,

Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)

Judges:

If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here

Click To Vote @ComedyOpenMic For Witness And Disrupt The Steem Blockchain With Laughter!
Support COM Banner

Thank you to @matytan for the great banner

@steemcomedyclub,

As always, thanks for the support. ComedyOpenMic is one of the best ongoing Contests on the blockchain. Whales, listen up, humor is the kind of thing that can go viral off-chain and bring in new users ... so, it's in YOUR best interests that it succeeds.

Put some bullets in their six-guns.

Quill

That was quite magnificent! Having done online dating personally and met the horseradish maker, I can fully appreciate this deception. I can tell you I never swapped my photo for another's, but I met a few who had. Thanks for the humor.

Posted using Partiko Android

@wandrnrose7,

Thanks W.

... and met the horseradish maker,

I hope you'll forgive me if I steal that expression for use in a future post. :-)

Quill

Welcome, Quill. Feel free.

Posted using Partiko Android

I always heard karma can be a bitch at times lol.

@old-guy-photos,

I couldn't help but laugh myself when I came up with that bit. Advertising people getting a 'taste of their own medicine' ... their 'Just Rewards.' In fairness to me, I have, for years, been telling clients: "Don't Lie." The most powerful technique in advertising is "force-multiplying a self-evident truth" ... not "camouflaging a self-evident lie." You'd be surprised how hard it is to get people to believe that.

STEEM/Steemit needs to take this to heart. Either we're serious about content be compensated on the basis of quality ... or we're not. If it's the latter, the entire premise of the blockchain evaporates and what then becomes the appeal for new users (that we desperately need)? If we are to grow, we have to adopt some self-discipline.

Whale/Orca upvoting capital MUST be concentrated in supporting Manual Curators, not delegating to bidbots and other vote-gaming mechanisms. The model Whales/Orcas employ for generating Passive Income has to change. If this doesn't happen, we'll quickly become the MySpace of crypto-currency-backed social media platforms. Viable competition is right around the corner.

The inevitable is the inevitable.

Quill

Haha @quillfire you're the funniest lad I've seen on this platform! I can only imagine the shock and horror when your Tinder date appeared looking like a "less than optimal" version of the profile picture. I think you should now change your profile picture to Napoleon ;)

@nickyhavey,

Haha @quillfire you're the funniest lad I've seen on this platform!

Thanks mate.

I can only imagine the shock and horror when your Tinder date appeared looking like a "less than optimal" version of the profile picture.

Although the Quill character is real (and I do indeed have the hots for Sela Ward):

FYI: I have never used Tinder, or any other online dating app, and now, having contemplated the consequences ... never will.

I'm old-fashioned and I like Romance to proceed according to the Old Rules. Hopping in the sack with someone whose name I have to struggle to remember, is of no appeal.

You can take the comic out of the poetry, but you can't take the poet out of the comedy. :-)

Quill

Ah, just seen the bit about you never using the platform, probably blinded by the tears streaming down my face.

I was on that platform for a few months and it appears that was just TOO good looking for the users of the opposite sex. They must have just been too shy to swipe up for the "super like" 😉

I migrated over to another platform called Elite Singles and seems the only thing they are Elite at is not finding matches anywhere near where I live - talking at least 30 miles away and for a small country like the UK, that's as far away as the moon.

I agree with the sack hop and rump philosophy, not for me at all, never done that, never will. I have enough things to take up my time such as the music and radio shows (soon to be travelling to the other side of the world), got to take someone pretty Elite to hop themselves in to my sack (OK that sounded more crass than I intended but you get the gist).

Posted using Partiko Android

@nickyhavey,

... at least 30 miles away and for a small country like the UK, that's as far away as the moon.

You Brits are spoiled.

I'm a Canadian ... 30 miles is your next door neighbor. We're like bears ... we can smell a potential mate on the other side of a mountain. And so, once we get a whiff, we go loping over hill and vale in pursuit of a mauling ... girl bears are notoriously hard to seduce. From lessons learned the hard way, one ought always approach from downwind.

Quill

We're like bears also in the UK, except we had pegs put on our noses from birth which ruined our sense of smell.

No further questions your honour.

Posted using Partiko Android

Outstanding hilarious entry my friend. Gracefully you've become a very nice threat to me making the road more and more uphill to try snatch you off the Court Jester prize throughout these #comedyopenmic squabbles & brawls. LoL

You undoubtedly are raising the level of competence on these contests quite a bit!! 👍

You have to be careful about putting real pictures online … there are weirdos everywhere.

Definitely not been there, not done that. But yeah, I've never used Tinder either. };p

Before long, she was a lascivious lush. Lecherous, lewd, lustful, licentious, libidinous.

Ah Come On! @quillfire. Don't be shy mate. Admit and tell us that while she was gradually transforming herself in the proud recipient of all those so many adjectives. You forgot to add that she instantly was also highly exotic, immensely voluptuous and bizarrely attractive as to become a succulent little prey before your eyes.

Cheers contender! Keep the good work!! :)

@por500bolos,

You undoubtedly are raising the level of competence on these contests quite a bit!! 👍

Considering the source, a high compliment indeed. Thank you.

Before long, she was a lascivious lush. Lecherous, lewd, lustful, licentious, libidinous.

Remember, I'm a poet ... I can't help myself. :-)

Gracefully you've become a very nice threat to me making the road more and more uphill to try snatch you off the Court Jester prize throughout these #comedyopenmic squabbles & brawls. LoL

The trick is not for comics to figure out how to get a bigger piece of the pie, individually, but rather how to grow the size of the pie for everyone.

If there is one thing that is universal amongst human beings, it is their desire to laugh. To get more users streaming onto STEEM/Steemit, which is in everyone's best interest, we need a 'universal appeal' ... something that has the ability to 'go viral' off-blockchain. Humor is likely our best ticket.

Our comics, though, have a lot of competition and so they'll have to be 'extraordinary.' 'Extraordinary humor' takes a lot of effort and a lot of time to create. Indeed, it is every bit as effortful and time-consuming as writing 'great poetry.' I spend a lot of time on these posts: Writing and re-writing; editing and re-editing ... weighing every word and phrase so as to create the maximum effect. It is EXACTLY like writing a great poem: The effect, hilarity, is in the 'multitude of nuances.'

For this to occur, Whales and Orcas MUST be more supportive. Simply following ComedyOpenMic's Curation Trail would be of enormous benefit ... and with more than 0.5% of their upvote. As I opined in @old-guy-photos comment, SP upvoting capital in limited and Whales/Orcas control 85% of it. Without them, STEEM/Steemit cannot grow (or survive for that matter).

Pragmatically, this means changing the way in which they seek to generate Passive Income. Instead of delegating to bidbots and other vote-buying/selling mechanisms (and collecting interest), their SP capital MUST be repurposed to supporting Curation of Quality Content (and collecting Curation Awards). In this respect, supporting Manual Curators and/or Contest mechanisms designed to ferret out extraordinary quality ... such as @comedyopenmic, @curie, @c-squared, etc. ... is the key.

Quill

Humor is likely our best ticket.

Oh! no doubt about that. Just look at my most 'serious poetry' on my blog. I can't help but always sprinkle a formidable dose of humor over all that overwhelming 'seriousness' on my posts all the time. };)

multitude of nuances.'

¡Holy Moly! my friend. The whole paragraph from where I've extracted this short quote is just solid gold. It actually deserves an entire post on the matter.

As for the following paragraphs and specifically on the subject of Whales and Orcas upvoting with such absurd & ludicrous percentages of VP... I've previously posted so many articles on this topic without no one having been alluded to in this regard ever, that I'm now convinced that not even a lobotomy will save them since clearly they have no 'mass' left on their pin heads as to practice so finicky surgery. };)

Hi quillfire,

This post has been upvoted by the Curie community curation project and associated vote trail as exceptional content (human curated and reviewed). Have a great day :)

Visit curiesteem.com or join the Curie Discord community to learn more.

@curie,

Thanks for the support, guys. It means a lot. STEEM/Steemit needs A LOT more Manual Curation ... and Curie is the tip of the spear.

Keep up your great work ... and Whales/Orcas ... give them more spears. It is in your own best interests to do so.

Quill

Man, what a freaking great story! It made me laugh out loud quite a bit! You definitely exceeded my expectations on how would contestants take over the theme. Congrats on the Curie upvote, and I hope you win the damn thing(s)!

@zoexantelamv,

It made me laugh out loud quite a bit!

Music to my ears.

You definitely exceeded my expectations ...

Beethoven to my ears.

Congrats on the Curie upvote, and I hope you win the damn thing(s)!

A greatly appreciated comment.

Thank you.

Quill

This post was nominated by a @curie curator to be featured in an upcoming Author Showcase that will be posted in about 12 hours on the @curie blog.

NOTE: If you would like us to NOT feature your post in the Author Showcase please reply, or DM me on Discord as soon as possible. Any photos or quoted text from your post that we feature will be properly attributed to you as the author.

  • If you would like to provide a brief statement about your posting, your life or anything else to be included in the article, you can do so in reply here or look me up on Discord chat (@ Zoe Anavid#9686). This personal addition to my article can be of great value.

You can check out the previous Author Showcase I wrote to get an idea of what we are doing with these posts.

Thanks for your time and for creating great content.

Zoe (@curie curator)

@zoexantelamv,

Zoe, let me start off by saying thank you ... I am greatly honored.

If you're looking for some meat with which to cook, I could do no better than to point you to a recent post:

https://steemit.com/steemitbloggers/@quillfire/10-random-things-about-me-french-forign-legion-fatherhood-and-flatulence

A few missing details of that post might be found in my IntroPost:

https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@quillfire/introduceyourself-be-legend-in-your-time-poem-written-to-inspire-steemians-and-ancient-the-curse-poem

And, perhaps, for an insight into my priorities in life, here's a poem I wrote for my daughter's 16th Birthday:

https://steemit.com/poetry/@quillfire/words-instead-poem-advice-from-a-father-to-his-daughter-her-16th-birthday-gift

And lastly, for a good laugh:

https://steemit.com/comedyopenmic/@quillfire/bring-back-the-bullies-some-of-us-self-evidently-need-an-ass-kicking-comedyopenmic-39

Keep up your wonderful work ... the future of Steemit depends upon it.

Quill

Chunks of meat received! Let's see if I can cook something nice with them... ;)

Keep up your wonderful work ... the future of Steemit depends upon it.

Same goes to you, my fellow writer :) Greetings!

It sounds like you had similar experience already Quill :D

But this is what you get when you do online dating. I don't understand why people are uploading photos that are not theirs.. do they think that the other side will not notice? :D I would never do it but I know that it's happening.. I feel sorry for that Quill in your story :D But I must admit that he constructed a great escape plan.. like a Napoleon :D

Great article! I had a lot of fun :) Thank you for sharing and congratulations on your curie vote!

@delishtreats,

It sounds like you had similar experience already Quill :D

The Quill character (me), and my unapologetically having the hots for Sela Ward, were real ... the rest was pure fiction. :-)

FYI: I have never used Tinder, or any other online dating app, and now, having contemplated the consequences ... never will.

I'm old-fashioned ... I prefer slow-Romance as it is the 'process of mutual seduction' that creates the fire and, eventually, the 'ties that bind.' Our brains have evolved, over millions of years, to make sex the dessert, not the apéritif. I've studied too much psychology, sociology and neuroscience to believe that we can change the order of things without short-circuiting the system.

Seduction and romance take time and effort and are supposed to be Curation processes.

Look at this gal ignoring this poor fella. Personally, I think he's doing a great job and I hope she, eventually, acknowledges his efforts. One way or the other, though, this is the way it's supposed to work and it's hubris to think that we can, or ought try, to 'fix it.'

Swipe right ... please ... that's not how we were designed to dance.
.


.
Quill

Ok, ok, I do believe you then :) I agree with you. I'm also not an online dating type - even though it doesn't really matter since I'm married for ages now ;)

Oh, she looks like he didn't even existed, lol. She wants him to do his best! Like a real woman :)

@delishtreats,

Damn women! That guy deserves at least a gobble gobble. :-)

Quill

Hahaha, even a gobble gobble must be deserved ;) He should try another time again ;)

Brilliant piece @quillfire! Thanks for the laugh haha!!

We are SO proud to have you as a member of our
FANTABULOUS @steemitbloggers family!
uvoted and resteemed!

❤ MWAH!!! ❤

interested in joining the Steemit Bloggers Community?

@steemitbloggers ,

Thanks SteemitBloggers (The Power House Creatives). As per usual, greatly appreciated support from the finest group of writers and content creators on the blockchain.

This group never fails to amaze, the exemplar that sets the Quality Standard by which others are weighed. Instead of re-branding as The Power House Creatives, the group could just as easily have assumed the moniker, "Hot & Trending."

Special thanks to: Our Commander-In-Chief, @jaynie; artistic-genius and ever supportive, @zord189; and @bluemist (@appreciator), the guy who puts ink in our pens.

Quill

hahahahahahahaahahah!! whoa ! :D that is sure a Tinder experience hahaha !

@pechichemena,

Thankfully, it's fictional.

Quill

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