Too much too soon

playfulfoodie (68)in #life • 3 years ago

Aah, the treacherous waters of stress.

Playfulfoodie

It's been about four months since I called in sick and found I had fallen for it yet again: stress, resulting in somewhat of a burned out state. A tag, however, had not been placed on me. My doc said I was somewhere inbetween 'overworked' and 'a burnout'. So there I was, floating somewhere in the middle.

Being put inside these little boxes is not something one should aspire to. We are just ourselves and should not put too much effort into 'tagging' ourselves. It creates these small groups and groups can be defined and create sympathizers and enemies and before you know it, your group's identity becomes yours and your group's enemies become yours and that's just not an invitation for an inclusive and positive kind of world. And do you really want someone else's enemies?

I digress.

I don't generally need tags, but four months ago, I could have done with the tag 'burned out'. It would have made the severity of my condition easier to convey, which would have made communication with my employer easier and it would have made for less missunderstandings (like the weekly update saying "She's doing much better!" when I started two hours a week. I was not doing 'much better').

Alas, there was no tag, so there was misscommunication and missunderstanding. It's okay, I got through it with some frustration and clearing up.

Wait, that's not true.

I am not 'through it', I am still 'in it'. Except now, I am in this alone.

No, not alone, I have family, my husband. I will just no longer have an employer. I wrote about this. It was too much, having to reintegrate into a job I'm not sure I want anymore, all while trying to get through this 'burnout/not-entirely-a-burnout-but-let's-be-honest-it-is-a-burnout' thing. So I quit, wanting nothing to do with having to explain myself every step of the way.

I felt free!

I wanted to go back to blogging! Hoped I would some day regain some inspiration for designing. So I dived in! I blogged, I read, I currated, I commented, I... got tired, then I got a little nauseous and my head started spinning.

You're not healthy yet, moron!

Oops. Too much too soon.

This 'burnout/not-entirely-a-burnout-but-let's-be-honest-it-is-a-burnout' thing does not end just by quitting one's job. I definitely need more rest and less screentime. Yesterday, I took that rest. Ofcourse, that is not enough.

I easily forget myself when I'm excited about something. Once I set some kind of goal for myself, that's it. I need to reach it. And I just go for it without really taking the time to reflect and rest. Things get done when you take breaks. I need to remind myself, especially now!

Maybe writing about it works.

Who knows, maybe I'll remember now. Now that I had a little crash. A little setback. I'll try to remember now. At the very least, now you know. Don't worry, you don't have to drag me away from my screen, I'm not putting that kind of pressure on you. But see, I don't want to feel rude. So now that you know, you will feel less insulted when I don't answer right away. You might feel ignored, but you'll know why. It's for a good cause. It's not because I don't like you, it's so I can get better.

So there you have it. I did too much, too soon. I want to blog. I want to be active here. I just need to pace myself.

I hope you'll understand.