Sad Times

Hi Steemit,

I have written before about how I suffer with anxiety, I feel I have another bout coming on.

Suddenly this afternoon I started to feel sick and upset. I don’t know why or where it has come from, but I just feel like I need to let it all out. I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it now, so this is why I am writing to get it off my chest. I have a worried feeling in my heart. I feel like I have butterflies fluttering around and I can’t make them stop. I feel alone. I can’t talk to my husband because he is busy with work and I know his life is pretty stressful. I don’t talk to my friends about it as they all have kids and I wouldn’t want to put my issues on them, plus hardly any of them know I suffer because I keep it to myself. I can’t talk to my mum as she is away in another country on holiday for 3 weeks. I would normally talk to her as I know she won’t judge me.

I do think this has stemmed from a number of things going on that I have become quite jealous about. I’m not a jealous person, but over the past few weeks I feel everything has been shoved in my face. Someone I know just finished off their garden and it looks amazing, especially with the hot tub. I was looking at getting one but now they have got one first. Their garden is spectacular whereas mine needs a lot of work. I found out someone quite close to the family went out and bought a car I was looking at, same colour and everything. Again, this got my back up as I need a car and I wanted to be the first one to shout about it. My best friend told me she is pregnant too. I know I am supposed to be happy for her, I am, I really am. I just don’t feel it deep inside. I was contemplating waiting for her to be married first. She always told me she wanted to get married before having children. She has started planning her wedding but told me out of the blue she was also expecting. The plan was for both of us to be in sync to start trying so we would bring up our children together. I never really wanted children but I thought maybe by the time she gets married, which is 2 years away, I might have come round to the idea.

I just feel like everything I have hoped for has been whisked away, right under my nose! Why can’t things just go my way for a change? In the last few months the job I loved was gone and I was made redundant, my granny who is like a mother to me has been taken in and out of hospital numerous times, I lost my auntie and my cat who I’ve had since he was 13 weeks old, is now 12 years old and is like a son to me has been diagnosed with a tumour.

I just want to be back in a happy place. I’m sure by the time tomorrow comes, I will feel a whole lot better. I know my suffering usually lasts a day, but it feels a terrible place to be in. Especially when you are on your own. Everything seems so dark and it doesn’t matter what anybody says or does, you just can’t snap out of it.

Thank you to anyone who is reading this and can understand what I am going through. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone.

Much love,

Platinum-blue.