After Reading Too Much Dave Barry

I have something to say. It may not be well-received by some. I was warned that I might even lose friends over it. But after a lot of thinking, I've decided to say it anyway, and let the chips fall. So here goes:

I just don't think it would be a good idea to take a giraffe on a sailboat.

And don't give me any hedging little exceptions like, "Well, what if you just didn't go in water that was over its head?" No. Slippery slope, my friends. Besides, aquatic terrain can change very quickly. One minute the giraffe is plodding along, trying to get the heck away from you, and then: Right into a hole. See ya, buddy!

Plus, the average lake or river bottom has some sort of plant life growing on it. It always weirds me out a little when my foot brushes against that stuff, and I already know it's there and what it is. How do you think a giraffe is going to react? First, it was already skittish because in your brilliance you decided to take it sailing, something it was never intended to do. (Plus, it can't really duck under the boom, now can it? You really didn't think this through.) Next, the combination of the pitching and rolling of the boat and the giraffe's top-heaviness sent it careening into the drink, disorienting the beast for sure. And then here comes the icky-feeling plant life brushing against its legs. Really? You want to heap insult on top of injury like that? Why do you hate giraffes so much?

Note that I referenced lake and river bottoms, but not ocean floors. I would hope no one would ever even consider taking a giraffe out to sea. Do you really want to ponder a giraffe trying to swim in the ocean? With that neck? Goodness, the sharks would be re-telling that story for years.

So, there it is. I'm drawing a line in the sand. And then I'm putting my foot down. I'm putting it down at the end of the line in the sand, like an exclamation point. And I'm wearing boots, so the imprint of the raised heel is separated from the imprint of the rest of the sole, so it even sort of looks like an exclamation point.