About the body

where to begin.
what can one do.
well, that's a silly question, dear, there is nothing one cannot do. There are a couple of things one might want to avoid doing, because these might bring a bunch of uncomfortable social and personal reprovals and overall uncanny situations.

now having said that, i suppose i can rely on your sensibility, ladies and gentlemen.
This time i would like to talk a bit about booody. On a quick notice it appears to be the direct link between us and others. only, is it?

We shake hands, we hug, we have sex, we don't deject or pee in public places (or socially we're not supposed to). All correct.
Except for getting stuck in an image of a person one is. To be more specific, I grew up in a low-middle class family, where the choice between physical activity and "practical" subjects has never stood. I started having two english classes a week (out of school) and that would cover up all of the other things that might've intersted me. Actually, no one was specially interested in knowing what motivated me until i was in my late teens.

Coming back to body. My body was not athletic, as you can imagine. Still isn't, and i'm not sure it will ever recover completely. I would shy away from shared trips to beaches, short tops and uncertain relationships. Let's just say it didn't help to improve my social, emotional or love life.
But the more i would detach from my parents' inherited habits, the more i would notice differences in my body. Experimenting with different diets, having different life-rythms, having different kind of physical activity- all of it made me see that my body shape is the reflexion of my general life circumstances. If i ever wished to be in better shape, i might've as well wished for a better life. Everytime i tried to become slimmer, while seeing it as an isolated fact, i failed miserably.

One day, (a recent at that time) friend asked me to nude-model for a painting of his. I agreed straight away. The truth is: minutes later i was freaking out, but deep down i knew i had to do it. Ideas like: i gotta exercise, i have to eat less during the next days, and so on kept pumping in my head. He was a pro, and called me twice before the actual session. First time to say he was actually interested in painting me, second to schedule the first session. Everything happened in 4days or so. No time to think or act too much on the subject.
Now, two months later, I did two live-drawing classes in the local fine-arts faculty, and the number of proposed classes has been growing. Part of this decision was good money (not easy money, don't make it a dream job ;) ), but the main reason I guess would be the idea i had that it is not your naked body in front of someone's eyes that makes you vulnerable, it is your self-disrespecting head. These people do not know the piece of history they have in front of their eyes. You should know better then them that every little part of your body, every aching muscle or bone, every scar, excess fat- all of them make sense in the realm of your own story. Your body is an accumulation of a big part of your life information.

                                                                           E   Kuzubova