Patience most essential when none seems forthcoming | Notes to Self
These days I gotta remind myself about the value of patience in uncertain times and I keep stumbling upon the curious sensation that patience is most valuable and useful in times when I don't seem to have any. It is the luxury my mind says I can't afford in just those moments I later look back on seeing all I would have needed was the "audacity" to wait a bit longer, to give it some more time, to not make things out to be as if they were too late already. To trust the extra mile.
And in writing this today it will serve a s a reminder to myself because today I don't feel so patient again. I feel driven and maybe even late. But I have been at this point so many times before that before becoming a headless chicken I am writing this to let it out and then get my mojo back, taking the opportunity of perceived dissonance to the odd road ahead to take another more resonant path for now. A higher-vibing one.
It's like the deadline for a major project that is coming ever closer and still affording myself the luxury of changing things towards the last minute. It's like a balancing act between a disciplined structure of holding on to a vision and the grand plan and still being able to move dynamically as information and the situation changes.
It's not getting ahead of myself on the mind-layer but instead trusting the meaning of revelations ahead, even if they look like a hurdle. Integrating them into my course of action, not fearing them and letting them make me feel caged. It's not attempting to jump over any fence too soon in order to avoid an issue with no substance.
It is listening to my inner compass when it orders me to act, especially when it keeps doing so. Especially when the mind can't comprehend the compass' "reasoning" (far beyond reason).
The mind tends to lag and hoard, it overprepares and yet is never really fully ready when sh** hits the fan. In hindsight the first impulse was often the most spot on, before the mind came in and took credit for solving any and all problems that in the end turned out to be just the mind's convoluted attempts of deciphering the language of life from a mathematical standpoint.
Guess I have a hangup for that sort of thing, regardless of how often I have already recognized it. Not a hangup, more like a latent old tendency that is slowly eroding with lots of hacking and slashing action on my part.
Tiny steps.
It feels I am getting ever closer to making that balancing act happen steadily and with less and less effort. Can't wait to have flow become the norm again, but I find myself oscillating between this old hangup state and effortless stretches of flow-states and bliss. I do know where it is I am going, energetically , and yet it feels like there is a tremendous distance left to go until I have found to my inner strength completely and with certainty.
It will be a glorious opportunity looking back and seeing how far I have changed through the trials and tribulations of the times we are living in. I'm not there yet, but I feel I am slooooooowly getting with it. I also feel this is precisely the lesson these times are crafted for... a major opportunity to discern even the finest misalignments in ourselves, made apparent through the challenges and insecurities on display in the exterior.
The moment I let go of that old worry path I saw as alternative-less mere minutes ago, I find it clls me back showing me more variations in acting towards it I could not even perceive moments ago when I was all in my head. Taking a deep breath when dissonance makes its loud booming entreé - that seems to be the wise lesson to remember here.
Note to self: Read this more often. Your stretch of remembering this will become shorter and shorter until it has been integrated into automatic modes of self-conduct.
