Confession of a sinner

Afraid to tell.
Afraid to bare my heart.
My soul.
My inner meanings.
Afraid that you won't undersand.
For I, even have a hard time grasping what I'm dealing with.
On how I could help you understand what I'm feeling, how I could explain.
You really won't understand, until you're in my shoes.
Afraid that you'll critizicize.
Say that I'm weak.
To think positive.
That it's just a phase.
It'll go away.
Afraid that you'll give up on me.
Be disappointed.
Be burdered and worried.
Afraid that you'll see me differently.
We'll I am different.
I changed, not for the better.
Afraid that you'll think of me as being ungrateful.
Making excuses for my laziness and insensitivity.
I am not.
It's just that I don't know.
My mind messes me up.
In a minute, I'll be fine. I'm happy, laughing and socializing.
In the next minute, I'll feel the world crashing down, that it's even hard to smile nor even give any emotion.
Fighting myself drains me.
Being alive drains me.
My condition sucks all the life out of me.
It's like I just want to be alone.
Stuck in needing to be alone but feeling lonely.
It really drives me insane.
The only thing that keeps me from holding on, is the fact that I'll be leaving all of you.
The consequences of my actions.
The fact that I know that I'm alive but feeling dead.
I need it to be the same to match my own emotions.
It's really hard, wanting to be the reflection of my own feelings.
It's really hard wishing that you only feel physical emotions, when you feel very emotional and the reverse effect.
Choosing emotional rather than physical.
But both, diminish my longetivity.
I'll end up dead anyway. We all are.
I often despise myself. I'm very insecure.
I often wonder how someone could still love me, even if I don't love my own self.
The hardest struggle for me is knowing that I am not alone.
That when I'm gone, someone will search for me.
I'm sorry mother, for not being better.
For not being the daughter that you wanted.
For being selfish.
I'm really sorry.