Afraid of Stepping

Poor morning. When the weak man sips his bitter coffee with a feeling of hesitation. He hadn't felt the vibrations he felt right now. Vibration that makes it like being in a position in the midst of sadness or happiness. He hesitated, he was fragile, he felt this should not happen to a twenty-one-year-old man. "I shouldn't be carried away." He muttered while continuing to curse himself.

Poor morning. When a weak human is hesitant to take steps just because he believes in the nonsense he created himself. Dirty assumptions overwhelm his steps to take changes in life. Carried away. Dragged. Don't know whether to go back or move on. He understood the conditions in which when he returned he would only be a coward, but when he stepped he would fall down. Difficult choices for a weak human. And that weak man is me. Eyun.

Love. It's about love. I have been trapped in a relationship better known as PDKT. Actually it's not new to me. But this is something that I have left so long that I am not very good at playing such things as love.



The problem started since everything just started a month ago. I met a woman who was pretty, not tall, and pretty cool. His name is Aily. At that time I was on my way to Bali to go back to college. I crossed from Lombok to Bali by boat, across the distant Bali Strait. On a ship that I don't know its name, we met for the first time. In the left corner near the buoy storage in the lesehan seat for passengers I saw him sitting alone. Not mode, nothing, at that time only my instincts worked so I immediately approached him and sat right next to him.

"Empty?" I asked, hoping that it was empty.
"Oh, yeah, please!" Oh, man. It turned out that his voice and smile were congruent. Sweet.

I sat casually next to him. There was no conversation until a few minutes the ship left the port. The situation is the thing that best understands the current conditions. The reality is that I will not start a conversation because I have long been single and the reality is that he will not start a conversation because he thinks that I'm pickpocketing. I just paused, letting everything pass.

But luck or something, but at that time it was the first time I was grateful the Bali Strait was having a bad flow. Our ship swayed like a dangdut singer who made everyone on the ship remember God. Everyone panicked because they were afraid the boat would turn up and sink. No exception for the beautiful woman next to me. At that time I wasn't worried at all because I was used to the sea and I thought that if the ship sank I could still survive. But he was scared to death and finally greeted me in a low, trembling voice.

"Mas. I may borrow her thigh to lie down. I am dizzy."
Fix. At that time the world stopped spinning. I can only answer by nodding and smiling. Can not. I can't say "yes" even though I'm too happy. My heart struggled and forced me to celebrate but I could still hold back and indeed I had to hold back. It is difficult to explain but at that time the conditions that best understood the situation.

There. When our head on my lap we started to run out. Meet and tell a lot of things until we don't feel that in a few minutes our ship will be docked at the port of Padang Bai, Bali. At that moment I believed that love can defeat the storm though. The current calmed down, everyone prepared to get off the boat and he lifted his head from my thigh. Ah. Shit.

We separated at the port because I used a motorbike and he used a bus. We parted with a memento like a mobile number and a little selfie. That's when we began to close until now.

And now. Poor morning. I have to accept the fact that I'm just a weak human who doesn't dare to express love just because I'm afraid that he doesn't feel the same way. Even though remembering the beginning of our meeting, you could say interesting and full of romance.

"How did he not feel the same way if you just passed the storm alone?" Said the brave figure in my heart.
"But what if he already has a girlfriend?" Said a pessimistic figure in my heart.
"Come on, just try it first. We will not know before trying it, "said the brave man again.
Fix. I am crazy because love and my side of victory win.

I'm still confused. Often I ask opinions from my friends about this and all of them must answer "already, just shoot" as if shooting only requires preparation of words. Because in my opinion expressing love to someone is something that requires preparation that must be very mature. It can't be as easy as turning your palm. Love is something sacred in my opinion. The difficulty of love will be directly proportional to the length of time you don't know it. The longer you don't know love, the longer you will love to know you when you feel it. That's why I'm afraid, hesitant, and uncertain.

However. This time I have to try to state. Whatever the outcome is God's will and love itself. I must not disappoint the side of my rebels who have won. I have to say it. My determination is round and ripe as omelette. I encouraged myself then called him.

"Hello. Aily. "I'm scared.
"Yes, Yun. What is wrong?"
"I want to say if I like you, do you want to be my girlfriend?" I don't want to make small talk, because niceties will make things worse.
"Mmm, Eyun. I'm sorry before. Honestly I also like you, but ... I already have a boyfriend and I can't possibly leave him. We…"
Before he could finish the conversation, I immediately turned off the phone. Yes. So true. Congratulations. I was rejected.



A really unfortunate morning. Rejecting the reason I already have a boyfriend in my opinion is an act that is not commendable. I feel a little hurt by that. But at least I have dared to say and I have dared to make an optimistic decision to move forward. The point is like that. Although not in accordance with what I expected, at least I have managed to conquer myself and know love. At least now I am free from the shackles of doubt. At least now I can drink my bitter coffee calmly. At least I'm not afraid to step.