Hey guys, I've returned from nothingness

I remember nothing from last night. I must have been completely immersed in nothing. Nothingness. It's almost like a black-out. It's just nothing. And it feels good. Hard to recall, though. Why do I not remember it? Is sleep really nothing? What is it? It is so normal I don't even think about it, but really, for 8 hours every day, I just lie down and something just shuts off by itself. That off switch. From on to off. From something to nothing. No wonder I don't remember it. How could I remember nothing? There is nothing to remember!

It's like thinking about life before life. Or the lack of life before life. Lack of life. Nothing. What the fuck. I cannot imagine it, yet I have been through it. I waited fucking 14 billion years for this. I was almost eternally non-existent until I just suddenly appeared. I. Me. So completely, out of this world random. That I am here. Just a small adjustment in my parents' life at ANY point or in the lives of ANYONE around them would have changed everything. I would not have been here. I would never have existed. Somebody else would. Somebody else. Somebody. A person who does not exist. Think about how many people could have existed if things were just a little different. Millions. Billions. Gazillions of people who never even get born. Not even close. I have already wasted billions of those people. And if you multiply whatever number that is with the number of egg cells in this world, holy fuck, that is a large number of potential people who didn't make it. Me and one random girl in Mongolia. She and I only are capable of gazillions of potential people. A lot of them would probably have come to be pretty awesome people. Business owners. Musicians. Sports people. Astronauts. Hippies.

But they never exist. I will never even meet or be close to this girl. For all I know, if I ever go to Mongolia, she might be traveling in Thailand and we never meet. She and I could have so many kids. But all these people are pretty far away from making it to existence. They aren't. They will never be. They're forever asleep. Not dead, not born. Just empty space.

And so, I was the one in a gazillion who made it from empty space to filled space. I made it from fucking nothing! But still I am mostly nothing, of course. I am nothing. Just like all those potential others. And I join them every day. In my sleep. Entering nothingness of some kind. No difference between us there. It's just that they won't wake up again. But in that moment of deep sleep, nothing separates me and all those other people who never got to live. Nothing separates us. Nothing separates me and other people asleep either. We're just all empty space. No thoughts. Like infants. Completely without a thought.

But they're awake, of course, all those little human creatures. Awake, but can't remember anything. That's weird. They're just there, doing their thing. On a moment-to-moment basis. Just present. There. Like all other animals and plants and rocks and things with atoms. They're just like the rest of nature. Nature doesn't remember. Children are kinda like that. Just nature. With no memory. They're just there with the nothingness. Connected with the nothingness in them. Sounds negative, but I mean it in a good way. Nothing can be quite enjoyable. And I like children. They can be challenging, but at least they're real. They're real. Real in their nothingness. They don't hide the fact that they're nothing. Nothing to hide. How the fuck can nothing be real, by the way. It doesn't exist. I mean, kids are something, but they just don't have that many thoughts about it. They're more nothing. And you can't really remember nothing.

I remember nothing from those early years. Not even getting born. Fuck, why did I forget that. One of the most memorable moments of life. I hope at least I remember my death.