I ALMOST DIED LAST NIGHT

So you might have noticed my absence here for some days now which is quite unlike me. Well, first of all, I have been having a good--too good of a time yesterday that almost cost me my sanity.

By this time yesterday, I was seeing in colour patterns. According to my friends, I had seizures for over an hour. Might sound irresponsible on their part for not taking me to the hospital but I guess everyone was scared and when people are scared they fail to be rational. 'We were minutes from taking you to the hospital, ' said my friend who happens to be a doctor. Probably if he wasn't around and I didn't fight for my sanity I probably would be in a loony bin today. It was the worst experience of my life. I can't even compare it to the last time I was really drunk which was about four years ago because this was far worse. At least I had self-awareness when I was drunk but this, what happened last night messed up reality in ways I cannot even begin to explain. My senses were messed up. What I saw and what I heard stopped correlating at some point but I still had my consciousness. It was like being stuck in my own mind in a continues loop of unending terror. My worst fears where amplified by a thousand times. Seconds stretched for hours. I totally lost it.

FEAR.

At some point, I thought I had lost it--my grasp of reality. I could not make sense out it. I tried to shut my eyes but the voices and conversation around me weren't making any sense. I could trust my sight and mind. At some point, to have a grasp of reality I began to isolate the event that was unfolding. The fact that we were in a room which means I wasn't causing a scene in public; also I had someone in the room who wasn't in an induced state as the rest of us, so he was my anchor.

I was stuck with my rational mind with an irrational world to comprehend and it messed me up enough more. Just thinking about the possibility of being stuck in your own mind for the entirety. No physical pain would compare with the sense of hopelessness I felt for God knows how long. At some point, I thought I was dead and the whole loop was what it felt like dying. Being caught in an endless and meaningless loop.

REGRET.

Everything made sense before the hours of 8. I remembered things--everything in bit and pieces. First of all, my family. What would my mum and siblings do? Would they be capable of dealing with the mad version of me? We struggled with my disabled sister for years before she died. Having to deal with an insane adult would be too much on them.

My girlfriend. I wasn't ready to let go, not of the beautiful thing we shared. I remember calling her and telling her to call the police and a hospital. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't even know if I was making sense until this morning when I gained conscious and a grasp on reality. That's was it--my life flashing before my very eyes in the slowest way possible and I had to watch.

I woke up to videos of me dancing hysterically. Possibly something that can go viral if released. It could have gone totally wrong. I take full responsibility for irresponsible curiosity. It was my very time and not the same way most people get introduced to such things. It was just a tasty cookie. Yeah, I almost went insane because of a cookie.

LESSONS LEARNT.

I should certainly never in my beautiful life come close to that cookie again or anything like it. It's certainly not for me. I'm quite sober on my own and I don't need any enhancement.

I am also predisposed to certain emotions: fear and anxiety. I probably need to talking more about some of the challenges I am facing because they are eating me up slowly and I do not want to wake up one morning with chronic depression. This used to be an avenue for that but I don't feel comfortable talking about my problems anymore. I do not like to be pitied.

In a nutshell, I will say last night was one of the scariest nights of my life and I honestly will not like to repeat that again. It is my hope that I did not damage any nerve-ending in my brain. I'm back to my rational self (I think). Well, this post will be the judge of that. If at the end of reading this it made no sense then chances are that I am mad and you probably should contact anyone that knows me, so I can go for a psych evaluation.