Traveling Made Me Homeless

I've slept on a rooftop with homeless people once.

And I actually felt more at home that night than I do right now.

Because that night, I was with people who understood me. They were there by choice because they wanted to be free (they were young and they told me they were homeless because they wanted to be). Just like me. Unchained by the shackles of society, we could go wherever we wanted, at any given moment.

We understood each other. I felt a sense of belonging. Of home.

At least for a moment...

I woke up feeling very homeless today. Not in the sense that I don't have a roof over my head. Because I do. But I was thinking about the next steps in my travel journey. I know I'm going to Malaysia, and then Vietnam.

But what next?

I feel a little weird about posting this because normally I just show the happy side of myself so that I don't bother people with heavy or sad thoughts.

But hey, I guess I'm going to be a party pooper for once and talk about some real sh*t (This is my party pooper costume from Halloween a couple of years ago. Red eyes not included):

Each step on my journey takes me further away from home, from the place I grew up and my loved ones that are still there. Not only physically, but emotionally, too. Each day I spend without spending time with the people I love disconnects me just a little more from them.

"How can you stay away from family and friends for so long if you really love them?" These are some of the questions that people ask.

I love them more than anything in this world. Yet there is something inside me that compels me to go. I can't quiet the voice in my head telling me to leave until I obey it, and then the voice goes away and I finally get some peace.

But days like today, another voice pipes up. It says "You left. Now you're alone. You don't belong anywhere, anymore, and you did it to yourself."

Now, don't get me wrong. I like my alone time. Singing at the top of my lungs, jumping on the bed like I'm not "supposed" to, dancing around the room and not wearing any pants? Yeah. Alone time is great.

But being alone isn't the same as being lonely.

Being surrounded by people and being unable to connect is the ultimate form of loneliness. You can connect with people for a short time on the road, but just as you were about to forge a close friendship, one of you leaves.

And trying to find a home after traveling is like trying to make an android phone cord fit into an iPhone socket.

It just doesn't work...

It's impossible to recharge.

The more I experience new things, the less I belong when I go back "home."

I go back "home" and find that I feel like a stranger there.

I go "home" and everything's the same while I've changed so much.

I go "home" and while everything's the same, a lot of time has passed, so it's different somehow while being the same.

I question everything. If this is the place I'm supposed to belong, but I don't anymore... then will I ever be able to belong anywhere again? Is this the price of being free? I panic a little.

After all, this is where my friends and family are.

This is the side of traveling that you don't see as you scroll through beautiful travel pics on Instagram or posts here on Steemit. I dread the thought of ever going home because I don't want to have to face this all over again.

But it's okay to have these feelings and to just accept them and let yourself feel.

Traveling changes you in ways that you could never prepare yourself for (no matter how hard you try).

I used to think that it was only your first "big" travel adventure that changes you...

...but I was wrong.

The more you go, the more you open up your mind and soul. It never gets easier going back home though. The initial excitement is great, of course!

Opening your closet and seeing all these "new" clothes is exciting! It's like Christmas morning! Your bed is so soft and cozy. The bathrooms are so clean, and you don't have to pee in a hole in the ground. You don't have to figure out how to use a dang bedet (those things that squirt water on you so you don't have to use toilet paper. I still don't get it lol).

Seeing your friends and family again is amazing!

But then suddenly this out-of-place sensation sinks in that you can't really understand. But just like every moment, this too will pass. These are just fleeting emotions that are not permanent.

One thing is certain, though, the only thing in life that is constant is change.

Just know there are other travelers who feel the same way as you (I think).

Any travelers here who struggle with this? Let me know!