Is regret ever beneficial?
Lately I have been contemplating regret a lot. Whenever I evaluate my life, I always wonder what I could've done different. For example, if I could turn back time would I have still chosen to go to university, majored in my subject, befriended the kind of people I had, rejected some opportunities in order to pursue the kind of goals I eventually pursued? Would I have been a better daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend etc? Whenever I wonder about the decisions not made, the road not taken and opportunities not pursued, I reach two conclusions;
1. Knowing what I know now, I probably would not have made some of the choices I did in the past as I am now older, wiser and more life experienced. In a way, it's almost not fair to the old me because the choices I made in my late teens and all throughout my twenties made complete sense to the person I was then as they reflected my judgement, environment and circumstances.
2. As someone who believes in destiny, I struggle with the idea of even regretting some of the decisions I made in the past. The way I see it, every step I took or hesitated to take, was leading me to where I was meant to be. Whenever I was presented with the opportunity to choose options A,B or C, even if I look back now and think, 'I wish I had chosen option B,' I know that option would've taken me to another path that was not meant to serve me or my purpose.
So recently I reached an important decision; there is no point in regretting what we can't change, but we can focus on being more shrewd in the future when presented with life-changing decisions. In a way, a part me wishes that I didn't waste some of my youth pursuing useless things, or wasting my time on things that would not change my life for the better. But I believe one thing that we all regret or would regret (if the time hadn't come yet) is how we nurture or neglect relationships. Do we regularly talk to our parents and remind them how much they mean to us, do we forgive those who have wronged us easily, do we ignore the petty differences we have with family members or friends and realize that one day they (or us) will no longer be here? I believe these are decisions we can change because there is still time to have a different outcome; to not have regrets when it's too late.
Is there anything you regret? or do you think regret is a negative emotion that doesn't serve us in the present or future?
You speak out what I thought of many times.
I think regret is not so bad when it turns into actions which heal a wound or friendship in the present. If genuinely felt, it's good to regret otherwise things wouldn't work out within relationships which need a deepening or a bonding once again - or just something which needs to be freed.
When regret is combined with guilt it never will do any good. Guilt is the killer to every relationship for it prevents apologies or courtesy.
I also thought that I should regret things from my past. But as you say, you were young and dealt with what circumstances you lived in. The young are the ones who should make mistakes, take risks and know it all better. They should explore the world and at least get some close friends and love relationships on their way to adulthood.
Now that I am middle aged I would like to see my younger fellows to not to worry too much. I would like to watch them as they make decisions and steps towards a content life and if they fail to do so, there comes the next chance. Chances one can find all the way long.
I must admit though that life exhausts me sometimes a great deal. Then I must go slow, accept that my energy isn't as it used to be and make what I can.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I agree that that young people should make their own mistakes, but I think our world encourages them to make mistakes for the sake of it, rather than mistakes through informed decision or through sensible judgement. I think life is exhausting for all of us in different ways, but like you mentioned, it makes sense not dwell on it but instead, move forward. Otherwise we would be so busy correcting our past that we wouldn't have a future.
to be so wise in advance wouldn't suit a young person, no?:)
He or she would then avoid making mistakes ... I guess mistakes are like the bee to the flower. Without them nothing would ripe.
I think that nowadays the young are often so afraid of mistaking things (in school, within the peer groups) that the mistake itself got a real bad image.
But that is a very important way of learning. I think one is not able to make a mistake through an informed decision or sensible judgement. It seems a contradiction to me. .... What could you mean by that? Please help me or give me an example.
Or do you mean that young people stay young to long?
That's a good point, and it's exactly what I mean! Being wise or at least making sensible decisions should not something that is reserved for old age. There are many young people who - as a result of the wise decisions they made in their youth - are better adults. I don't agree with the way the world promotes stupidity and tells young people to be foolish because it's part of being young. Being foolish can put people in dangerous situations, and those mistakes can create ugly outcomes. I am definitely not against making mistakes in order to learn, because that's how we learn. But there is fine line between mistakes that can turn into life lessons and mistakes than can be tragic. For example, a mistake can be refusing to marry someone you later realized was the right person for you, or refusing a job offer that could've given you the right opportunities. But mistakes such as telling a young person to go and jump off a cliff (for the sake of fun and experience) when that can become fatal, is not that kind of potential mistake I would encourage. I hope I am making sense!
Oh, I see.
What you mention is though not so much part of my reality and experience. I rarely was in a situation myself or witnessed others by mistaking opportunities or throwing themselves in life dangerous activities - those things were actually the exceptions from the rule. Nothing bad happened, luckily.
When I listen to people who regret their actions or omissions it mostly could be seen otherwise. When I see another one struggling with his decisions made I remember the actual situation back then and most people had quite strong reasons for having themselves not put into what they later on may regret. Even their reasons were strange or not very smart to my opinion.
Do you have anybody in your circle who did something tragic?
For I do not see it as tragic not to have stick together with a man whom I formerly loved or admired so much. Actually I met a guy who I really was in love with back then and all the years I had this pain that I probably would have missed the chance. But after I met him almost fifteen years later, all the attraction was gone. I had changed meanwhile and afterwards I was free from this "loss" to my very surprise. :-) - So, you never know?
No, I would not encourage young people to go and endanger their lives but also I cannot prevent them from doing it. I do my very best to raise my son. That he will be able to distinguish the foolish from the good things. What I put in him is my very trust. That is the best one can do to encourage.
Stay well!
It's true, it's not part of many people's reality but it's still happens more often than we realize. I have known those who chose to spend their youth on constant drunk state because they thought it was fun and that it was justified since they were 'young.' Of course they did not realize the health risks or even recognize how many life opportunities they missed during those times. Then they are those who are today still making choices that are more common with 15 year olds than 30+ but somehow society is geared towards keeping dumb for as long as possible. But I completely agree with your point about making a decision that you feel is a mistake but in the end turns out to be a blessing. And your example of the man you once loved demonstrates this. For me, I rather make a mistake that will later turn out to be a blessing in disguise, than a mistake that I know will bring about negative outcomes. For example, loving someone and then realizing that it was a mistake for you to leave them, is not as destructive as putting your health or life in unpleasant or dangerous situations. But I agree with the way you are raising your son. It's important to give children the tools to learn from their mistakes, but instil in them the confidence to distinguish between mistakes and MISTAKES.