"I am in love with my best friend - continuation"

Hi Nomad (again),

Thanks a lot for the advice you gave in one of the previous Q&As. It did help me to some extent.

The problem is that I used all the practical tools and suggestions you gave in the column like not calling her or seeing her and completely avoiding her for a day or two. But if I don't contact her for even a day she comes searching me out so I've no choice but to be in touch with her. Once I suggested to her that if we can't be together as lovers we had better avoid each other (I even quarrel with her for silly reasons just to break contact with her) but she got angry and told me that we have been friends for so long that it was impossible to go on our separate ways. So I have no option but to just be her friend and be there for her as I can't see her sad.

Regarding the new love, some girls did come into my life but when I started comparing them with her I lost all interest in them. So I come back to the same miserable spot where I was before.

XYZ

Credit: The project Water.Shapes.Earth

XYZ,

You said:

1. "I've no choice but to be in touch with her", and
2. "I have no option but to just be her friend and be there for her as I can't see her sad"

Those words put you in the victim role rather in the creator position. And therefore the big lesson for you in this "miserable spot" - as you call it - is how to be a creator, how to be responsible for your life and not let others decide how your life should be.

I am not sure that you really followed my advice. You tried the disconnection tool for a day or two and when the girl came back and was angry with you for wanting to detach, you immediately put her happiness and needs above yours.

But what about what you want?!! What about your happiness??!!

You see, here is another lesson you need to learn: to be a little more selfish. To take care of yourself first and be happy, and do the things that make you happy. There is really no point in staying in her life just to give her pleasure while all along you are miserable. Don't you think she feels it?!!... She does. And she doesn't care so much because you give her what she wants: attention, affection and a feeling of being loved.

Right now you two are trapped in a box in which each feeds the other. You give her your loving attention and she gives you hope that one day she will be with you. THIS situation is not healthy for you.

---

Why?

Because love doesn't work like that. Love is much simpler. Imagine a river. A river that is full of beautiful fish and flora and sweet and clean water. It is your private river sustaining you, that keeps you alive and brings you all that you want. The river doesn't want a thing from you. It only wants to flow and to give you its beautiful gifts, including a great TrueLove. In the past, you and the river were in tune and worked harmoniously. The river flowed and you allowed it to flow to you effortlessly and with no interruptions.

However, now you are blocking it. The river wants to bring you a new and greater love; a girl that will love you like you were never loved before. A relationship that is greater than what you can imagine right now. But unfortunately, you are not allowing the river to do so. You keep telling the river that it can't bring you that love, that you are still choosing to be the "knight on the white horse" for a girl who doesn't want a relationship with you.

And the river loves you so dearly that it obeys all your orders. So it listens to you, and none of the girls that come to your door can touch your heart. You are closing the door on love so you can't be surprised that love can't come. Do you get the picture?

In practical terms:

• First - talk to yourself. Decide if you really are ready to take the steps that are needed NOW in order to make you move to the next phase. Are you really ready to disconnect and break the box's confinements surrounding you, that keep a newer love from entering your reality?! Are you ready?
• Second - once you decide that you are ready, understand that it is in your power. Don't blame the "females" in our world. Don't blame this girl. Take responsibility. Remind yourself that you are solely responsible for your life. You are! And no one but you!
• Third - with all that wisdom tell this girl that you want to meet her. When you meet tell her about your new decisions. Tell her that you must begin to think about your life, about your happiness. Tell her that right now you are miserable and that therefore you cannot be a really good friend to her. Tell her that you realize that you must disconnect. That you need to break the emotional and mental ties that connect you. Tell her that she IS important to you and that you DO want to stay friends with her but first you must take care of your life. Tell her that you ask her to release you, to let you go. Ask her to not contact you so often until your heart heals.

And again - I would suggest you to avoid contacting her altogether. Give it time - weeks/months. Forget about her. Remind yourself that there is a greater and new love waiting for you and you just need to allow it. You simply need to allow the river to flow back towards you.

And it will. It will.

Trust yourself !