My Date with Elmo

My Date with Elmo
8/20/2017
By Melenie Blanco

Someone once told me true love changes you for the better; I can’t help but wonder if that person has been shot by now. What a load of crap that statement is! I guess my bitterness is starting to take a toll on me. I mean can you blame me? I’m 24 years old, I have a great job, my own apartment, I dress to impress, cute face, chubby waist and I’m intelligent (yes I toot my own horn, so sue me). You would think that I would be a guy magnet. What man doesn’t want a chick that has it all together? Who isn’t a “hood rat”, “bird”, “pigeon”, or whatever they’re calling it now-a-days, I have trouble keeping up with the lingo. But no, I seem to be a guy repellant.
Don’t get me wrong, men like me; they find me gorgeous; they think I’m funny. They love to be around me, but apparently all the things I’ve busted my behind to achieve, have made me into something unattainable. Like, how the hell is that possible? Can you see where the bitterness comes into play? Every man I meet is a stalker, crazy, a loon or a liar; in that exact order as well, no exaggeration. I guess the problems started 6 years ago, when I was 18 years old and dumb. I met my son’s father in a park and fell for him because he liked me and made me laugh (not very good attributes to commit yourself to someone) and for two years, I went through him cheating on me with woman ALL OVER THE USA (that is NOT an exaggeration) but like a MORON, I truly believed that one day, he would see that I never left his side and finally settle down with me (did I mention that I was a MORON)?
Apparently, my little dream was short lived, for a week after my 20th birthday, I found out I was expecting, my initial reaction? Get a credit card and charge an abortion. You can’t blame me for it, I was in college, working & earning good money, I had friends, dreams, goals & a lousy boyfriend. This lousy boyfriend of mine convinced me to have a baby with him, that he would always be there for me and blah, blah, blah (again, MORON) I believed him and nine ½ months later, I gave birth to my darling baby boy, my true love & inspiration in this world, Alexavier Robert Rodriguez (no he does NOT have his father’s name, would you name your child after a loser? If you say YES, you’re lying).
Of course you’re probably wondering what happened between us in those nine months of pregnancy. Well when I was eight months pregnant, my “darling and concerned” baby daddy told me he was going to stay with an uncle (who I never met, nor knew he existed) in Pennsylvania for the weekend & wouldn’t be able to call me because there is no service (MORON). Of course, against every one of my instincts, I believed him and funded his trip. Sad to say, he NEVER CAME BACK! The real story? He found a girl on this website named LOCALHOOKUPZ.COM. (Need I say more?) She had picked him up that weekend to spend with her in New Jersey & he never came back. Last I checked, they were homeless, unemployed and working on baby #2 (love truly is blind).
Did I suffer? Of course, and every woman out there can relate. When you love so hard and so deeply, you refuse to see the signs and the flaws, the harder it is when it all goes to shit (pardon my French). But I mourned for that loss. What really hurt the most was that I was so young with a baby and lonely. I fell into a deep depression; I seriously thought about ending it all (suicidal much). Then one day (a year later) that pain turned to anger and I lashed out on every man that came my way. Eventually my attitude, sarcasm, bitterness and bluntness got the best of me and the men stopped coming. I turned many good ones away; I was so determined not to let myself get hurt. My only goal was to continue on my path to success
Success came in waves; I achieved everything I ever wanted, in rapid succession. Nothing was impossible for me. I mastered the basics to genuine success, sales, marketing, finance, advertising, it was all so easy, it was unbelievable. Money was my new love affair (still is, I can’t lie) but I was still underneath it all, very lonely. After much consideration, debates, and advice from my best friend, Melisa Castillo, I decided what I needed was a whole new attitude. It was time to re-invent ME, so I did what any woman would do. I shopped, bought new clothes, shoes, make up and then I found a salon a block away from my apartment where I started going on a weekly basis and thus, the new ME was born.
First up on my list of dating disasters was a guy who I renamed “ELMO”. Why “ELMO”, do you ask? For starters, because on our first date, he was dressed COMPLETELY IN RED; His hat was red, his scarf (mind you it was summer) was red, his jeans were red, his sneakers were red, his shirt was red and his jacket was red (again, still summer) but this isn’t the reason why I named him “ELMO”, the deciding factor was when he opened his mouth and the voice that came out WAS ELMO’S! I was MORTIFIED to be seen in public with him. I bet you’re wondering why I would go out with someone like that, didn’t I know what I was getting myself into? The answer is quite simple, he used a voice changer for his voice, so what I thought was a sexy voice, was ACTUALLY A MACHINE. Also, the pictures that I had seen on Facebook (Yes that should’ve been a clue from the start, seriously, Facebook were taken from afar; some were not even pictures of him, but of his friends, SMH. But since I was turning over a new leaf, I felt that I should not be so judgmental and just give it a shot.
So we went on our date to Applebee's in Parkchester the good news is that ELMO had a car, so no one had to see me walking besides him. ELMO drove an all black car with black-out windows. Inside the car the seating was black as well and he had gadgets hooked up everywhere such as a mini TV, iPod dock, GPS and of course, the infamous voice changer. I was starting to feel like I was in a futuristic sesame street episode with ELMO as the starring character.

When we got to the restaurant, I didn't even wait for him to fully park the car, I ducked and rolled as the car started to slow down, before he knew what was happening, I was already inside Applebee's waiting on a table. Every available guy in there had an eye on me (and no, for the haters, that is not an exaggeration) I had my eye on a couple of them as well, but before I could make a move, ELMO joined me and we were seated promptly. It was just my luck that the waiter who was assigned to our table was God's gift to women. Tall, dark and handsome he was, with a pearly white smile, dimples and sexy voice. I'm sure his first assumption, was that ELMO was gay. After ELMO insisted that the waiter took his beautiful date's order first, the waiter's assumption quickly turned to disbelief (literally, I could see the change take place on his face, it was scary to actually witness something like that).

The waiter stared at me for what seemed like hours before ELMO cleared his throat & asked for a diet cherry coke (which they didn't have) the waiter took a deep breath, scribbled something down on his pad and gave it to me. When I gave him a look, he told me it was his number and if I was that desperate for a date, he knew plenty of people. And then he walked off, leaving poor ELMO (whose voice was drawing UNWANTED attention) calling after him for his soda.

Someone else (a woman waiter now, I guess because woman are supposed to be more sympathetic, again) took our orders and served our food. ELMO chattered on and on (much to my ever growing annoyance) about his job in airport security (which he worked nights alone, well, who would want to work in the day time with him), how his ex played him with some other man (can't say I blamed her, yes I know it's horrible, but don't act like you won't do the same), to how he was looking to settle down and start a family (in case you're wondering, I was 22 yrs old at the time and he was 26 yrs old)

     Throughout the entire, mortifying date, I kept my head down, I couldn't make eye contact with him (see I don't have a POKER FACE, I knew my eyes would betray my disguise). My only hope was to wolf down my food, turn down his offer of dessert and claim a stomach ache and asked to be driven to my BFF's house, Mellisa Castillo (HELLO, you can't expect me to CALL her about this date, this is something you have to say in person, you know I'm right). He agreed and FINALLY, we were leaving (of course everyone was watching us leave, didn't I mention ELMO was LOUD)!

     Even though Melisa lived only 15 minutes (yes I timed that shit, pardon my French, I was dying to get away) from Applebee's the drive there felt like 3 hrs, the whole way, ELMO was insisting I watch comedy shows on his mini TV, which was a welcome distraction from his constant chattering in that ANNOYING ELMO voice. Finally, we pulled up to Mellisa's house and before I got out the car, ELMO cleared his throat.

      Apparently he had something urgent to say, so I sat back and kept my eyes down, waiting for that infamous "CAN I KISS YOU?" question and just as I was bracing myself to reject him, ELMO stunned me. He said that although he had a nice time talking to me on the phone, I was much too beautiful for him. He felt that my beauty was leading me to be conceited (What the fuck!) and he didn't want to be with someone like that (again, WHAT THE FUCK) then he wished me a good night (no attempt to kiss me, which left me kind of angry) and patiently waited for me to exit his car. Although my ego was severely bruised (seriously, I did not see that coming, and I know you didn't either) I managed to make a classy exit (by classy, I mean I stuck out my tongue and exited, hey, I'm human). 

    For any woman out there who has been dumped by a dude who was "reaching" (Definition: someone who is trying to be with someone who is way out of their league, i.e. work wise, looks wise, education wise, etc) it's not something that is easily acceptable, I mean hello, you're trying to do something nice, grant someone, "reacher" , a taste of what it's like to be in your awesome presence and HE turned YOU down, that goes against the constitution of dating standards! (Yes, that constitution actually exists). Thus ELMO was the first LOON I dated, sadly, he wasn't the last.