I am looking at the mind pattern inside myself where I go into boredom when I don’t have anything to do or work on in a particular time of day.

(Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash)

Do I really not know what to do? Nope. I do.

Factually, I have convinced myself, over time, to believe that I don’t know what to do, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is lots I can do: Practicing a skill, like painting, programming, working on some writing, doing a blog, and so on. I just need to choose, pick and do one.

Self-honestly, actually, I am indeed aware of options of work or stuff I could do and spend the available time on. Even if it’s just dedicating the time to more focused breathing sessions. Or working on expanding a skill. Learning something new. Working on a mind point or pattern, and so on. But the fact is that I resist most, if not all, those activities and don’t want to do them. So I end up procrastinating and postponing working on such activities.

Procrastinating and avoiding doing such things or activities. Basically avoiding being productive and doing something productive with my time, by telling myself through thought and backchat (inner self-talk) that ‘I don’t know what to do’. While in fact - I do know. I am aware of options that I could do.

When the feeling comes in as well...

Then, feeling comes in, lol, where: I also don’t feel like doing, let’s say activity A or learning activity, subject or skill B, expanding my skills of a particular area - or learning and building skills in an area. So, what I end up doing is: I go into postponement and procrastination and avoidance of those activities, because I feel a vast emotional/feeling resistance in myself towards them. And I project the experience of starting it - to be tough, hard, difficult and impossible. It feels like impossible to start to, for example practice activity A, B, C or something else after such a long time of procrastinating, postponing and avoid it.

What can I learn from this pattern?

It’s vital to see and realize that every time I accepted and allowed myself to give into and apply and live procrastination, postponement and avoidance of working on something, like on programming or painting or studying and building skills in, for example math, and so on - that I have added additional layers of resistance and energies (emotions and feelings), like for example disempowerment, laziness, fear, anxiety, stress and so on onto and towards doing or starting the activity. Thus I naturally made the resistance and my dysfunctional relationship to the activity and the process of starting or doing it ‘tougher’/’stronger’/’more solid’ to ‘take on’ and walk through in order to start an activity up again.

The more you invested in your patterns, the more you will need to invest of yourself to change it

Every time I spend thinking and reacting to a particular activity and ended up giving into the resistance and emotions towards it, and ended up postponing, procrastinating and avoiding the activity and working on it, the more strength/’solidity’/’toughness’ I have added to the resistance towards starting the activity up or up again. And it is going to thus, naturally, require a stronger push from my side to penetrate that ‘thickened’/’toughened’ wall of resistance to get to that point of starting something (an activity) or starting something (an activity) up again.

Conclusion

Therefore, it is not that it’s, in fact, for real, impossible to move through the resistance towards starting an activity or starting it up again, but that depending on the time (days, weeks, months, or even years or decades) that I have spent thinking and reacting in emotions and feelings to that particular activity or thing, and ended up giving into resistance towards it, and ended up procrastinating or postponing or avoiding that activity - the more power and ‘solidity’ and ‘thickness’ material and substance, so to speak, have I given and added to the resistance and the nature of my relationship I have towards that activity: The more or less effort, will, dedication and movement it will take and require from ME MYSELF to PUSH myself MORE in order to get through and penetrate that ‘thickened’ wall of resistance I have accepted and allowed to build-up and ‘thicken’ over the period of time I have spent giving into emotional and feeling reaction and resistances towards doing it and ended up in actions of postponement, procrastination and avoidance of it. Now, it will ‘just’ take more or much more effort and consistently applied willpower to push myself more to get through and penetrate that ‘strengthened’ or ‘thickened’ point of resistance.

Thank you!
Do well,
Nebi :)