Navigating Crossroads

How do we, I navigate crossroads in life when right in the thick of it?

In the past few weeks several close people in my life have found themselves at a point of crisis in their lives and I have too. Difficult truths have come to light and these have forced them to face themselves in a new way as well as make some tough decisions.

Although I've come to learn that support and undivided attention far outweighs advice when it comes to helping each other through life, within what's happening lately with friends I’ve found myself brimming with insights that I long to share as I witness and hear about each of their struggles with their situations and selves. I realized that in fact I’m the one who needs to hear my own advice! To hear it, I have to say it or write it so here I go.

The thing is, when things come to a head in life and we find ourselves facing big decisions, they have usually been a long time coming. Our minds and hearts have been “talking” around and around internally for awhile whether we’re consciously aware of it or not so it can be hard to decipher which voices within ourselves to listen to. Yet we desperately want answers so wind up feeling a sort of racing mind desperation trying to think through our situations.

Our racing minds however are not a great source of wisdom and can’t be counted on as a guide because they are usually embroiled in fear and flooded with old messages and socialized thoughts, rather than intuitive truths.

Our truths and insights need to arise from a knowing and inner clarity in our hearts, not from fear, so the sooner we can take our attention away from our racing or numb minds to feel and be present with ourselves, the quicker we can find some answers and relief.

And of course we're all susceptible to the very compelling temptation to dissociate during confusing times. We all have our methods of avoidance using extreme busyness, alcohol, drugs or some other kind of distraction. For me it’s an overwhelming desire to space out, get lost in the endorphins of social media or to binge-watch netflix. Basically stepping into someone else’s story is infinitely more attractive than what I’m feeling. Sometimes "checking out" is ok and I do it, but ultimately it doesn’t really help.

Truth is, my situation can cause me to find myself periodically in a panic during the day or night and in those moments I’ve found that bringing my attention to my body is the best place to start and is the only thing that really helps.

Taking care of myself on purpose with kindness is powerful, even if it’s the last thing I want to do. My methods are very simple and help to calm my anxiety and keep my focus small and sensory. If possible turning to mindfulness in action is excellent, but not always possible for me but one of the following always works:

• lying down on the floor and just feeling my breath for 10 minutes
• a 15 minute warm oil self-massage and shower is a really good one (I like the Abyanga)
• doing something useful yet mundane like cleaning
• of course Qi Gong and Yoga are invaluable even if only for 5 minutes.
• automatic writing is incredibly useful as well. I just write down everything in my mind without editing, without examination, without format, I get it all out of my head so my hamster wheel of thoughts isn’t knocking around inside anymore. Every time I empty out in writing, I get a little more clarity, and feel a bit more present.

The key is to stay awake metaphorically otherwise I can sink into my mind and hours can slip away. I let the feelings happen if they come, but don’t worry if they aren’t there. I alternate writing with at least one other tactic on my list to help me return to my physical body and these are my go-tos and each of us has our own ways that will work.

One of my best friends is going through a difficult marriage betrayal that’s come to light and I’ve watched a crippling numbing shock come over her. In this case again, loving care of the self serves as an active contradiction to what caused the shock and is furthermore a great way move out of shock and revive her capacity to feel. This friend’s situation is the most extreme but all of us are having to digest realities, feel through our feelings to navigate our respective crossroads.

Without going too deeply into my own situation I’ll just say that I am facing some tricky decisions with my work. Although I always have projects/orders and interest in my work, the amount of income I seem to be able to generate has changed significantly and the past 4 years have seen a trend of never having quite enough money to cover overhead and pay myself. I’m tired physically, disheartened, sad, and truly confused. Do I stay the course and step further into innovation of new products -and debt - to meet the changing economy? Do I downsize significantly to a small endeavor with an affordable overhead and give up my goals and the large scale projects that require a large space and team? Is it worth struggling for something that doesn’t seem to be coming to fruition or am I giving up just as things will begin to happen? I want to be smart and make good choices for my future, but I’m just not sure what those are. And honestly, I’m pretty scared about making the wrong choice.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for a few years now and have always had enough promising reasons to keep going and thinking that this scarcity is temporary. A few roadblocks have come up and have frightened me into reconsidering my previous hopefulness. Ceramics has been a true love and a catalyst for expression, personal growth and a livelihood for 25 years so this isn’t an easy decision to navigate. The many voices in me are so jumbled that I don’t know where my heart really is and it seems to be taking me awhile to figure it out. Therefore taking my own advice to do whatever I can to quiet my worries, and feel my feelings so that clarity can come is essential.

Something else worth mentioning is that crossroads and crises tend to have enormous gifts and potential for incredibly positive change bound up in them. While I know this, it can be an incredibly uncomfortable process! How best to face and handle the this so that we can find the gifts amidst the mud? There are no rights or wrong ways to deal, just effective and ineffective.

Are you or anyone you’re close to finding themselves facing difficult truths or having to reckon with themselves and life in a new light? Love to hear about it and your methods for helping yourself.

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