How To Be a Guru

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” ~ Steven Wright

How To Be  Guru

I went to the bookstore, to buy me a book. 

To buy me some pages.

To find me a hook.

To give me a reason why nothing seems to make sense.

And find what I'm missing.

What makes me so dense.

I once went to the preacher and asked him to pray.

I said “pray me a river, as I can't cry today.”

“I still haven't found what I seek for my soul.”

He said “just double yours tithes, I’ll make sure God knows.”

I signed up for classes to learn how to be.

Make me more like a man.

And less like me.

Studied Law of Attraction to bring money to me.

But had nothing left, once I'd paid the fee.

I just wanted to learn how to live the life of my dreams.

Before all came undone and I fell apart at the seams.

I read all the books to teach me the rules.

Followed them carefully like a hapless damn fool.

I made the bookstore some money.

I made the preacher filthy rich.

So I decided I would start my own little course.

And perhaps my own religion too.

It beats working for a living.

That's not something I ever want to do.

Retire to an island in the tropics well hid.

They'll never find me, I know it.

They'll never find me for sure.

I wont reveal my location as I sail round the shores.

And in looking I see.

I have no idea who I am.

But it matters nothing any longer.

If I have the money I'm after.

Then I'll write the book.

The self-help best seller.

And I'll be the guru all the Stars come to see.

Just don't look to closely or you'll see it's still me.