Alone with my thoughts

She stared at the screen. She knew all the words she could muster together couldn't even begin to describe how she felt properly. But she tried, she needed to get it all out.

Everything she thought she knew, everything she thought she had felt had turned to a blurry mess. All she knew was that she had never felt these pangs of hurt before and she feared what laid ahead as the time drew closer to her losing him.

As the days turn into nights that is the time she is alone with her thoughts. Uninterrupted by the hustle and bustle of people resuming their normal daily lives, the people who pass her on the street not knowing she is carrying this overwhelming weight of grief, this excruciating pain she cannot even describe herself. It is here in the night she drowns in her tears and wishes things were different. Wishing she could take the pain away from him. Wishing she had mended things sooner.

She wonders how the years past by in her life without him in it and she survived. Because now faced with the realization he is dying she feels like she can never go on the same way she did before. She yearns for him, she aches for him.

The past is the past, it cannot be changed or altered and that burns a hole right through her soul. If only she know then what lays ahead in the future, would she have done things differently? What can she do now to make up for all the lost time? These are the questions that play on repeat over and over again until the sun rises again.

The last time she saw him in the flesh she screamed at him, she pointed her finger in his face and told him he meant nothing to her and she didn't need him. She ran away countries to escape the heartache of not being close with her family anymore. It was dirty and messy and was easier to walk away from the chaos.

After 7 years, she received that message that changed everything.... Your father is sick, it is serious, he doesn't have much time.

Now, she is too far away to touch hold his hand on his final weeks, touch his face or smell his cologne. Unable to change the past and given little time to share in the future over facetime.

Her daddy is dying and she is dying inside too.

pintrest

A huge thank you to all my ladies from the @steemitmamas discord group who have been a huge support to me during this difficult time. I love you all <3

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