How to Criticize and Still Be Nice

No one enjoys criticism. From a child, humans are conditioned to reject it. One reason humans routinely reject criticism is because of the form it often takes. Loud admonitions, snarky comments, unhelpful jests and corporal punishment only serve to harden our defenses. What was clumsily intended to be a learning opportunity has become a debacle and sometimes even an argument.

Cartoonist Gary Larson drew an often-referenced cartoon that cleverly illustrates what humans say and what cats hear and what humans say and what dogs hear. The cartoon hinges on what humans often say to their pets and what pets can comprehend. Invariably the human message is completely lost on the innocent and clueless pet and no lasting changes are made.

Against that backdrop humans should consider a new paradigm for criticism. Criticism that is harsh, repudiating, demeaning and hurtful rarely produce the intended results. New circles of thought center around something more positive. The concept of allowing individuals to self-evaluate has gradually taken hold. How much better it would be if the individual being criticized could be taught to critically evaluate their own actions?

It is one method that would allow someone to criticize someone, and still be positive. One such method involves requiring an individual to list 3 things they did correctly while performing a task and 1 thing they think they could have done better on. This allows the person to open the door to where their behavior might be modified. Again, that person is asked what they think they could have done differently that would have produced a better outcome. In this way the self-criticism is produced by the individual who will feel more empowered that they have found a better way of doing something. It has been found that this approach has much longer positive implications. Others might choose to make a very simple statement, when you do XXX it makes me feel XXX, fill in the blank. In this way the listener is trained to empathize with the feelings of the individual who has been impacted.

My mother often said, “One can catch more flies with honey than vinegar”. No truer words have been spoken. In life instruction and criticism that can be paired with something positive is more easily digested. Humans that are made to feel empowered through such helpful criticism are more likely to enact lasting change. They are more likely to feel good about themselves and they are more likely to be receptive to such conversations in the future.