Verotika (2019) Review

Rating: Negative 5/5
AKA: Danzig Turns On the Turn Off
Watch Here: [Psych! Don't watch this shit]

"First I want to fuck you in the ass - then I want to hear your neck snap" - Actual Dialogue from the Film More or Less

I have seen the future of horror, and it's name is not Glenn Danzig - Let me be clear, we do not hate Danzig. During workout sessions with Prince Pectorals we have listened to many of old school Misfits tunes & solo works of which Danzig was apart of. As a film maker he fucking blows. It's like I can see it all now, he saw Dee Snyder and Rob Zombie churning out movies (still waiting on Strangeland 2 Dee, you fucking promised) and was like "What about me, What about Danzig?!"

The film is horror anthology, I assume it has some relation to the Verotika comic? Look we don't like shitting on peoples work,unless its that dick that made Jason Goes to Hell or Jessica Biel or a few others. We also know that making movies is fucking tough, or any artistic endeavor where effort was put in. So we won't really be knocking Danzig or any of the cast or crew.

BUT THIS MOVIE FUCKING BLOWS - There may be titties, but you won't be getting stiffy one here. Schlong Long is still is still experiencing ED from seeing this shit. There may be blood, gore and organic FX, but it does nothing but make you wish you were watching a film that actually utilizes these traditional horror tropes successfully.

The "FILM" is setup as a horror anthology which outlines 3 very different tales. Here is a brief summary of the episodes with their titles. Listen I nor anyone here is watching this again, we can't remember the exact name of the titles so just when you see it, (if you choose to) then you'll know which episode were talking about.

1 - Eyeball Titties & The Spider Rapist

So this is basically about a woman who has eyeballs for nipples, and cant seem to land a cute guy because of it. So she with her tears or eyeball breast milk tears...(I cant remember were not watching it again EVER) lands on spider that grows in to a Goro-esque creature and begins raping and snapping necks while the eyeball titties lady is asleep. So basically think Freddy Krueger but he goes out and kills other people when you fall asleep....its stupid - Eyeballs decides this "has to stop" OD's on some pills and this allows French police to shoot the butt pump strangler. THE END

2 - Female Leatherface Does Stripping

Some Linda Blairish looking chick cuts off peoples faces...I guess wears them? She kinda just hangs them up on her wall. They call her mystery girl at the bar she strips at....Some Cop Sgt Anderson Fuckface (his words not ours) figures out who is taking girls faces after concluding that all 13 or so incidents are related (ground breaking and realistic detective work) In a very "tense" chase ol mystery girl slices Anderson's face and she gets away after being shot...She dances on a pole at a new club THE END

OHHH FUCKING wait! Sean Waltman AKA X-PAC is like the ticket booth guy for a strip club, that's kinda cool.

3 - Bitch Bathes in Blood for 30 Minutes, Looks like A Music Video that Doesn't Have Any Metal Music to Accompany It.

This is the final episode and lemme tell ya pals.....it's bad. First thing you will notice is that the bitch is dressed like Bavmorda from Willow.

She stays in this getup the entire episode, even while bathing in aforementioned blood. It's a lot of bring her to me, the "virgins, the blood, my youth, do I not look younger?" type stuff. This is followed by staring and making poses in the mirror over and over again, then we get some misty scenery and some chasing, some be-headings more blood bathing, a wolf gets fed...more blood bathing. Head dismemberment, the end.

I am truly fucking baffled that this didn't have Anglefuck (by misfits) or some other song playing in the background on repeat or a metal playlist featuring the likes of Peter "Big Dick" Steele. I also believe Peter is rolling in his grave at just how much this film is a missed opportunity.

Peter Steele would have made a good movie or at least a decent porno, both of which would be more enjoyable than this.

We get a send off by who I assume is the Verotika chick, as she's been "acting" as the crypt keeper the whole movie (she is at the beginning and end of each episode accordingly for setup and send off) as she bathes in blood.

THE END

FINAL WORD

MR.HELLBOX - FUCK THIS MOVIE - I don't care how accurate they have depicted strippers grinding and having fake titties - This is an insult to horror fans, and seems to be more of a fetish fap film for it's creator...not that I'm judging, fetish can find it's way in many films, but goddamn this is overkill.

Danzig is 65 and I'm not for sure, but maybe he needs an hour and a half film to get his boner these days, and that's why he made Verotika....Either way if you wanna see it...go for it...shit like this doesn't get made anymore and for good reason. LET NO ONE FOOL YOU - it is not funny bad, its not event train-wreck bad....it's just fucking bad. Negative 5/5

Schlong Long - Help Me - ?

Prince Pectorals - I don't get how the 5'3 monster of a musician could fail so miserably at this. I can't even work out now, all motivation is lost...fuck you Verotika - Negative 5/5

DANZIG - ALL OF YOU SHUT UP! This is a good movie! When I was directing I would constantly shout out "More Girls! More Blood! I'm Danzig!" If you thought eyeball titties were ground breaking, wait until you see the girl with 2 noses on her ass cheeks in the sequel! I'm Danzig! COLD-BURNING-STEEEEEL! - 10/10