Word Vomit: Episode 3: "Revenge of the Sith"

For those reading- this is my last of a three part series of posting some old journal entries that is a catch up of where I stand today...

Timestamp February 19, 2019

Can I be honest with you?
I’m really sad, and really scared. I have so many marks and bumps on my back and neck, and I’ve never been one to keep track of them. It makes me feel guilty and blamey- but the truth is, my mom never told me she had cancer in her twenties- and didn’t tell me it came back until it was too late. And my dad.. he never talks about himself. So I’ve learned to just avoid everything- ignore it. They have modeled god awful self care... I’m so lonely. I’ve had a subconscious layer telling me I’m not worthy, and I deserve to get cancer after leaving Krystal for hers. I don’t feel like I can pursue a relationship because I’m just so fucked up in my head. I can’t stop these defense mechanisms that keep me in self sabotage mode. Yes I’m clearly aware of every single one of them- and yes .. it’s fair to say.. then just change motherfucker.. I need help, and I just can’t ask. It’s so foreign to me. I truly feel I would be a burden, nobody wants to deal with such a weak needy depressed human being. I mean really?
I don’t have insurance , and I’m afraid of getting results back and not having anyone that I'd feel comfortable asking for help. I’m paralyzed. (metaphorically) And I don’t want to get a job, because I don’t want to stay here, but I don’t want to leave because I convince myself “this is where I have roots/ connections.” I feel I can’t just turn into “the guy- who just gets up and leaves”- even though I’m probably in the best position to now- with money in the account and “no ties”- but what if “I’m sick”.. all those what ifs- keep me trapped- here- trapped in this stupid fucking place of misery. Of feeling pressure that I “have to stay the same me”- self fulfilling prophecy of what I project everyone to think about me.

upon reflection, that was pretty heavy.. here are a few pictures of friendly geese at a local park to help lighten some things up...thanks for listening.