--- The Difference Between Saying Sorry & Meaning It ---

Not Sorry

We have all seen it before, we may have even been part of it at some point, one child does something mean to another, a parent tells them to apologize, and they do, but you can tell it is not sincere, the delivery oozes contempt. While the action of 'saying sorry' has taken place there is no genuine remorse for the action which has caused the issue.

Fortunately for parents children are somewhat easy to read due to the lack underdeveloped social deception skills at the time, however as they grow older this task become far more difficult.

Fight...

As adults we gain the ability to understand social norms, cultural structures, and interaction processes. We comprehend the means necessary to 'get by' with as little irritation as possible, by conforming to the social cues which have become expected from living within particular cultures... however, this many not always be reflective of the true thoughts and feelings of the individual

For example, many standard interactions may start with "Hi, how are you?" and a standard response would be "Im fine, how are you?" finished off with an "im good thanks... how can i help you?".

Most of us understand that it is culturally inappropriate to just unload your problems onto the cashier on at the service station, that its just pleasantries. However, there is a degree of casual deception which is taking place and this may be a key factor in understanding similar constructs in different settings.

Not Sorry

While it may be used in a few settings, generally the term "Im sorry" is used to express regret and remorse for an action we have taken which has inconvenienced someone else, what we are conveying is an acknowledgment of our mistake and offering an apology.

In an ordinary interaction if one person bumps into another at the local supermarket both may say "im sorry" as their attention may be on grocery items and not an awareness to their proximity to others. However, if one person bumped into the other every few minutes and said "Im sorry" each time... we would have no reason to believe their apology was legitimate.

Mistake...

It more than likely that this interaction would lead to an altercation, verbal or physical, as the person being impacted upon reaches the limit of their patience and understanding for the situation.

While a comical scenario to imagine, it is easy to see the reasoning within the ridiculousness, but this logic tends to lose its meaning in translation when we apply it to relationships with people we know, such as family, friends... even ourselves...

When we say "im sorry" to someone for something we have done it is an indicator that the behavior will change and not occur again, if the behavior does not change then the apology itself is worthless and loses any meaning.

A partner, friend, family member who continues to lie, cheat, steal, hurt, etc. if the patterns remain consistent after the apology has been made then there is no sincerity in what they have said. Further, our tolerance of this pattern of behavior only indicates that it is an acceptable means of interaction.

A true and sincere apology comes with changed behavior, in fact it could be argued that the apology IS the changed behavior the words expressed are just the promise to do so.

Best apology...

It may be that we just dont take the time to truly understand what it is we are saying sorry for, that we say it as a knee jerk reaction, as a means to achieve cognitive ease and go back to our lives. It could be that we need to utilize more empathy, compassion and understanding... to really put ourselves in the position of 'the other'.

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Conclusion

Unfortunately it seems we have allowed the social cues to take over the expression "Im sorry", this may be rooted in our upbringing where we are told to apologize when we dont mean it, it may be further reinforced though cultural/social norms, pleasantries, etc.

Wherever its stems from, what we can say for certain is that it is a common 'casual deception' to apologize for something then continue to repeat that behavior.

It seems that we have grown accustomed to accepting these false apologies from one another and enduring the pain and suffering inflicted by continuing these unhealthy interactions and relationships.

The only true means of differentiation between when someone is "just saying" im sorry and when they actually "mean it" when they say im sorry, is by observing a shift in their behavior... so watch closely.