Thursdays With Uncle Boom #97

I reached forward and yanked the phone from a trembling Jessique.

Who the bloody hell is this?

I barked.

The voice that answered was cold and metallic, yet also eerily familiar.

Never mind who this is. What is important is that you listen to me and do exactly as I say.

A hideously theatrical chuckling followed this.

I pulled the receiver from my ear and glared at it the way I would at a Labrador slurping away at its own balls.

I put the phone back to my ear as the chuckling stopped.

Did you hear me? You will listen and do exactly as I...

I cut the mysterious voice off.

Will I bloody fuck. Now fuck off.

I slammed the phone down.

Jessique squeaked in fright.

Oh my goodness, who was that? They sounded awful like, like a monster?

Sshh, Jessique. I must think.

I frowned as I bade her silent.

The phone started singing again.

I frowned.

Jessique. Pick it up. If it is that man again, tell him I gave you strict instructions to jam the phone up your arse and walk to the nearest River and throw yourself in.

Jessique gaped at me and not in a naughty party way.

You want me to say what? You are joking, right?

I rolled my eyes and picked up the phone myself.

Hello?

I said with a voice so bored sounding it could have come from a carpenter's van.

YOU HUNG UP ON ME!? ON ME? HOW FUCKING DARE Y...

The phone clacked as I hung it up again on the silly voiced bounder.

Fucking arse-face.

I murmured.

Jessique looked from me to the phone and to me again, confused by whatever was happening.

Boomy, shouldn't you listen to the man. It seems to be important?

I made to reply but the phone, rather predictably, started ringing again.

I made an exasperated clucking noise with my tongue that sounded like two octopus mimicking vaginas with their beaks.

If I must.

I took a moment to light my pipe whilst the phone clamoured away. Eventually I was ready.

Hello.

The metallic voice was calmer now.

Very well played, dear fellow. You almost had me frothing with rage. But, now. It is important that you listen to me.

As the voice paused I butted in.

You are boring me. I do not like to be bored. I am going to hang up now. Do not bother me again or you will be sorry.

WAIT! WAIT!

The voice squawked.

I paused.

What for?

I sighed.

There was a fumbling noise on the other end of the phone, two voices talking then another voice came on the line.

Boomy?? Boomy, is that really you? Listen, you must do what he says, he's a madman!?

I almost dropped the phone. An icy prickling washed down my back.

I knew that voice well. It was one that I had never expected to hear again.

Dobbers?? Is that really you? It can't be? What foul devilry is this? Am I being tricked? You're bloody dead, they found you in the river, all bloated and torn up.

I felt mildly unsteady on my feet. Could this really be my old friend, alive?

It's me, old chap. That wasn't me they found, some other poor bugger. But listen, Boomy. You have to do what this man says or he says he will kill me. This time for real?!

Put him back on.

I said grimly.

I felt both a strange relief that my old friend Dobbers could be alive and at the same time a hollow cold rage that someone sought to play me for a hairy banjano.

Do I have your attention now, old fellow?

The voice hissed, the metallic overtones barely disguising its glee.

Yes, just tell me what you bloody want, you fucking tit.

If you want to see your friend, Dobbers, alive ever again. Then come to the top of the Rich-Stream building, midnight tomorrow. Come alone.

I ground my teeth heavily.

But what do you want?

The chuckling began again and went on for a very long time before finally trailing off.

What do I want? Oh, this is glorious. Truly glorious. What do I want? Well, guess what? You will have to wait till tomorrow because for now...