I stepped out of my car in front of my good friend Dobbers residence. He had phoned me in quite the tizzy, frantically warbling something about a missing timepiece, telling me I had to come over. I had instructed him I would be there as soon as I could and to calm down.

And here I was.

His house looked quiet. Perhaps too quiet? Given the state of Dobbers on the telephone, I don't know what I had expected, a gang of peasants chasing buttered pigs in his garden perhaps?

But no, nothing. A shame really. It takes great skill to catch a buttered pig and fuck it. It is a marvel to watch.

I took a big swallow of whisky from my travel bottle and threw it back into the car.

Right, time to see what this was all about...

What Ho, Dobbers old boy! What on earth is the matter?

I waltzed into Dobbers laboratory. The place was a state and Dobbers was running back and forth, opening drawers and lifting sheaves of papers, all the while looking quite distressed.

Boomy! You have come, thank heavens! I have lost it! I have lost my new TimePiece?!

Dobbers ran a hand through his hair, his eyes rimmed red.

A timepiece? A fucking watch, you mean? For goodness sakes man. I will buy you a new one. Come, let's go drink Whiskey and pay some lady peons to dance for us!

I bellowed.

He took life far too seriously, did Dobbers. Still, it was nothing that watching a lady shake her ham tambourine wouldn't sort out.

Dobbers took a deep breath.

No, Boomy. It's much more serious than that. I.. I have made a grievous error you see. And now we are all going to pay the price!

His voice rose to a wail and he threw himself onto a nearby chair.

I pulled out a chair opposite him and sat too, pulling out my pipe for a puff.

What on earth do you mean man. I can see something has gotten into you, this place looks like it has been torn apart?

Dobbers sighed, holding his head in one hand.

Today, I created a device. A most powerful device. The Probability Preponderance Cipher. And on the very same day I created it, I lost it! This is a calamity!?

I blew out an exasperated cloud of smoke.

The only fucking calamity I can see here is the fucking name you have given the thing? The Probability what? I mean, what the fuck does this device do that's so disastrous if you can't find it?

*What does it do? Oh if only I had realised what it did! I wished to create a device to observe the probability states of a given situation. A seemingly harmless trinket.

In fact, I had fashioned it in the shape of a pocket watch and had intended to give it to your good self. Perhaps it would have been an amusement to see the probability of a given action before it happened.*

He gave a loud sniff.

But I got it badly wrong. The very act of observation collapses the probability states of a given situation allowing them to be manipulated. Improbable situations can be rendered probable. If this falls into the wrong hands...I... I... I must find it.

He stood, looking determined now.

I must find it and destroy it.

I stood too and reached forth a hand, placing it reassuringly on his shoulder.

If it is that important to you then I will help you. Together we will find the bastarding thing. Now, you say it looks like a regular pocket watch?

Yes, a silver one. It is quite fetching. We simply must find it and soon.

My pipe had gone out. I tapped the ash clear and loaded it up with some baccy. A fine blend, Boudica's Cranny, a zingy number with hints of Woundwort and Dried Liver.

But first. I need a shit. Back in ten minutes.

I gave his shoulder a reassuring shake and made my way to his Lavoratory.

It didn't take me long to squeeze out a brown clown. I moved to the sink to give my hands a rudimentary washing when it caught my eye. There on the sink. A handsome silver pocket watch.

That bloody absent-minded idiot Dobbers. I chuckled to myself as I picked it up. I would tease him for this one, that was for sure. It really was a fine piece. I flicked it open.

It looked relatively normal. What was all the fuss about? I was about to put it away when I felt it warming in my hand. I peered at the face of the watch more closely.

Ah. Now that is interesting...

Dobbers! Come quick!

He came running through in mere moments, stopping dead at the sight before him and making the most awful squeak.

Boomy, What... Is that Simon, my Butler?

I stood, one foot on his Butler's corpse as if to hold it in place lest it rose up again.

I am afraid so, old fellow. I caught him trying to escape, escape with this!

I pulled forth Dobbers Probability Preponderance Cipher from my pocket. It hung there in my hand, glittering in the dim light of the hall.

Simon stole it?!

I am afraid so, old fellow. It is lucky I managed to catch him in the act of escaping. Luckily, I managed to wrestle him to the ground. I am afraid in the struggle that followed his head got stoved in and he is quite dead.

Dobbers aimed a kick at the dead Butler on the floor.

Bloody serves him right. If he had gotten away with the TimePiece who knows what chaos he could have wrought?

I nodded.

Exactly, old fellow. Let me dispose of this for you. I know a fellow with a smelter. We shall utterly annihilate it in the flames.

Dobbers nodded and looked sadly at his Butler's corpse which was now letting out the most awful of wet sounding farts.

Yes, take it out of my sight. I wish I had never created the damned thing. You are a true friend, Boomy. What good fortune led me to find such a friend as you?

I smiled, tucking the TimePiece away.

Such fortune indeed. Well, I couldn't possibly say, after all...