Thursdays With Uncle Boom #48

A vampire? Are you pulling my leg?

The man behind the desk of the quaint little country Inn quailed before my wrath.

No milord. We will have to close down. The area has been plagued by a vampire for weeks now. None of the Inns around here are taking any guests!

I looked at my good friend Dobson Dobberson, who had accompanied me on a little sojourn to the countryside. He was a fine fellow despite having a face like a cat's arse eating churros.

He was rubbing the side of his head in puzzlement.

Well Dobson, you are the bloody scientist around here. What say you, Vampires?

Well, there is a school of thought that says the legend of the Vampire, that is, the creature of the night who...

Fuck sake Dobson, shush. You are boring the living tits off me. Yay or nay? Is there such a thing?

I don't think Science should ever say no.

Dobson sulked.

I turned to the innkeeper.

Right, give us your best room and make it quick or I will get this man here to wank you off.

Dobson reeled back.

Boomy! You bloody will not!

He turned to the Innkeeper.

I can damn well assure you, my good man, you are in as much danger of getting a wank from me as your pet crow over there on the windowsill is.

The Innkeeper whipped his head round, the Crow was gone. He moaned dramatically.

Oh my goodness me, it's his familiar! He has seen you! Quick sirs, leave whilst it is still light! I beseech you! Save yourselves!

I walked past him to the small bar area.

Not fucking likely old fellow. We are out of booze.

I and Dobson settled into a pair of comfy chairs in the bar with several bottles of Balvenie which the Innkeeper said were on the house.

As we finished the dregs of the last one I pulled myself a little a little unsteadily to my feet.

RIght Dobbers, time to hit the hay. It has been a long day.

Dobbers looked up blearily.

I guess so. I say, should we sleep together in case there is a Vampire? I mean, not biblically of course...

He looked at me with a strange gleaming in his eyes as if he were a gerbil, freshly shaved for the insertion.

Bugger that Dobbers, you snore like a horse. Lock your door. You will be fine.

We made our way along to the rooms, they were just a short walk from the bar on the ground floor.

I prepared for sleep by taking off my shoes and lighting a pipe. In mere moments I was asleep.

You shouldn't smoke and sleep you know.

Intoned a cultured and deeply old sounding voice.

I snapped awake and waved my now extinguished pipe around.

What's that, who said that?

There, in the gloom, perched on the arm of the chair next to the bed was a man in a splendid black morning suit. He waved a hand back and forth with a regal air.

I mean, it could be quite bad for your health.

He expelled a rich, baritone chuckle as if being tickled by a Welshman.

Oh, you must be that pesky Vampire fellow? Be a chap and fuck off and let me sleep, won't you?

The Vampire flowed upright like ink spilling in reverse and loomed over the bed. His mouth stretched opened to reveal a nightmare of blackened gums and long razor sharp fangs.

I don't think you quite understand the situation...

He hissed malevolently.

His arms stretched outward clasping at a cape behind him, raising it up like raven wings.

I am Lord Ruthven, the most feared black-hearted Vampire in these isles. I have lived for 200 years and you think you can tell me to just FUCK OFF?!?

A snore escaped from me.

He leant over slightly.

Hey, HEY! Wake up damn you. No-one falls asleep on Lord Ruthven, the most famed and deadly of the British Vampires, seducer of a hundred virgins, taker of a thousand souls!!

He leant in further, fangs bared, mouth gaping, ready to strike.

And you tell me to fuck off?!?!? Prepare to die the death of a ... URRRMPHH!!

The mighty and famed Lord Ruthven reeled back from the blunt tip of my cane which had smashed into his cocky girlish mouth.

My teesh, you'sh shmashed my teesh!!

I stood up, cane in hand and roared like a Lion struggling with a tin of Tuna.

A thousand souls?!?! Is that all? That's pathetic you bloody peon. Get over here!

My cane raised up, its silver tip flashing in the moonlight...

I threw our bags in the car. Dobson came out of the Inn stretching his arms up wide in the crisp dawn air.

I say Boomy. I slept like a fucking log. So much for Vampires eh! How about you?

I took a deep puff of my pipe.

I had rather a good sleep myself old fellow. I feel quite refreshed!

Dobson moved forward and peered at me more closely.

I say, is that a new cape? I have never seen it before, it is really rather becoming. Where did you get it from?

I gave the cape a theatrical twirl.

Where did I get this old thing? Oh Dobbers, I couldn't possibly say, after all...