Thursdays With Uncle Boom #38
My good friend and fellow gentleman Humphrey Badgerbast called me today. He is a splendid fellow, despite having a face like a Spaniel's quim.
He was in quite the dither.
Boomy old chap, I need to call in a favour. It's a fucking old biggy so I don't mind if you turn me down flat old chap, like a pretty maid in a foreign hotel.
I looked up from my journal where I had been penning my latest entry.
A favour old fellow? Well, let's have some brandy and discuss it. After all, us gentlemen need to look out for each other!
Oh I know Boomy but I fear this one is beyond the bloody pail. I mean, if I were you I would get that bloody cane out and start thrashing at my buttocks right now. Thrashing them hard!
I raised an eyebrow at Humphrey and poured a couple of brandies to calm him somewhat.
He downed the first couple quickly, as did I, to smooth the way for the favour. Once he was calmer, I filled up my pipe and offered him some of my baccy.
Now old fellow, what is this dastardly favour that you fear I will be getting the cane out for?
I contentedly chortled out a big puff of smoke.
Humphrey chewed his own pipe a little.
Well, it's like this Boomy. You know my son, "Little Humps?"
I nodded. We all knew Little Humps, he was fucking massive.
Yes indeed, Little Humps. Still chasing the maids with his tommy knocker?
Humphrey puffed up a little with pride.
Chasing them? That's one way to put it! Anyway old chap. It's like this. He has to bring someone to school tomorrow. A respectable chap, you know the kind of thing, someone to inspire. Do a little talk and I thought. Bloody Boomy, he's perfect for this!
I wrinkled my lips slightly as if kissing a baboon's pineapple ring.
Hmm, well. If it were anyone else I would say no but as it is you Humphrey... Why the hell not!
And so I found myself staring out at a gaggle of ten-year-olds. Little Humps caught my eye and shot me a big grin. I winked at the porky little bastard.
The teacher, Mr Myres stepped up to address the class.
I looked at him disapprovingly as he introduced me. I had mistaken him at first to be one of the children. Bloody youngster, I had eaten cheeses older than him.
Without further ado, let me introduce, Uncle Boom, Captain of Industry, Trader and Gentleman!
He smiled at me, as if I had just spagged a dollop of gentleman's tartare down his front.
I pulled a chair over and placed a foot on it.
So, children...
I looked around them all.
Have you ever stood at the helm of a ship, bloodied sword in one hand and the severed cock of the pirate king in the other?
Good grief man... You can't swear in front of the children!!!!
Interrupted the baby faced Mr Myers.
I rolled my eyes.
Fine fine... Well, in that case, let me begin again.
I pulled my hip flask out to moisten my throat.
Mr Boom! You can't drink alcohol in front of the children either!??
I swerved an eye full of impatient bile at this impertinent Mr Myers. He held my stare, the way a dog would if you were tugging at its foreskin.
Alright alright.
Impatiently, I pulled out my pipe, swiftly lighting it and having a good puff.
Mr Myers leapt forward and struck my pipe from my hand.
For god's sake man, smoking!? In front of the... Aaarrk!
My cane had lashed out and whacked him on the side of the head.
What the bloody fuck!!
I roared.
You lay hands on a Gentleman!?!
I set about giving him a resounding thrashing with my cane.
Some time later the headmaster knocked on the classroom door and entered. His eyes almost fell out of his head as he surveyed the carnage before him.
Mr Myers lay bloodied and still on the floor. The children were taking it in turns to jump up and down on his corpse.
I sat at the now deceased Mr Myers desk observing the goings on whilst puffing at my pipe with a satisfied smile.
Good lord!? What the bloody hell happened here?
The headmaster bellowed.
Little Humps looked up from a particularly squelchy landing on Mr Myers.
Sorry sir, can't say!!!
He giggled.
Why on earth not!?
Yelled the headmaster incredulously.
Little Humps looked over conspiratorially at me, I nodded paternally.
Well sir...
Little Humps beamed.
Never a dull moment with Meesterboom stories.
🤔🤔🤔How much effort, knowledge and time is needed, one face like Spaniel's quim to be created...?
Those kids had fun with Uncle Boom...Those teachers make themselves so cultural and they all do those things in front of children, swear, smoke, drink, kick,...what a paradox ? Like the one from Diogen...He was caring candle and He was looking for people with it...
The teachers are often the worst culprits when it comes to terrible behaviour aren't they!
Yeah, like Doctors...You go there and He advices You smokingly for you not to smoke...😄
Hahaha!! I have totally had that!!
Bahahahaha, I saw it coming from the moment Hump's said the kid needed someone to go visit the school. It went step by step the exact way I pictured it in my mind's eye. How dare he interrupt what would have been the biggest life lesson those kids might have ever learned!!! Oh, the life skills they would have walked away from that presentation with. At least they learned that you never mess with a gentleman's pipe, otherwise you get a bloody beatdown.
Fantastic as always my friend!!
Hehe, it was quite obvious that one!!! Never get in the way of a gentleman's pipe. It's common sense! :0)
Yet another tantalizingly twisty tale! It seems I shall become a regular visitor to Meesterboom's Enchanting Room.
Thank you, that's splendid to hear!
LOL, I am a teacher and I was sitting in my empty classroom reading that and laughed, just imagining it all go down right there at the front of my classroom.
Hehe, that would be quite the thing! Or rather quite the horrifying thing!!
Another fab installment of our Uncle Boom.You know @meesterboom little hump is reminding me of Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda.lol.Bless his chubby self.
Only Uncle Boom has the balls to go into a classroom, spark up, have a tot and physically scrap with the child in charge ( oh sorry i mean mr myers) 😉. The mad thing is the teacher is getting all irrate but you know the kids seen it all at home with there folks.lol.
My fave line;
I don't mind if you turn me down flat old chap, like a pretty maid in a foreign hotel.😂😂😂
Poor Mr Badgerbast he must have been turned down every time, it is the whole squirrel thing he got goin on🐿.oh hang on there is little hump, the squirrel eventually cracked that nut.🌰😂I wonder what the misses looks like then? 🤔
Hehe, I looked the line with the maid in a foreign hotel as well. Lol. Bogtrotter, yeah he is a bit I think!! :0)
Poor Mr. Myers looked like he met some tires...
As usual Uncle Boom never fails to, er, disappoint, LOL! And your yarn gave me an extra special laugh today, for the colloquial slang during my Southeast Alaskan upbringing for pink salmon was humpy, and the vision of an obese ten year old with a gaping salmon maw is now firmly stuck in my brain. Little Humps indeed!😆
You are awesome MeesterB!
Hahaha, that is awesome. Ads a while new dimension to the whole thing lol!!
Wow! another bloody episode in the life of Uncle Boom ... The journal! there, must be registered all the savage acts perpetrated by the Gentleman Boom; I wish Georgie could at some point have this journal in his hands ... It seems to me that Uncle Boom has a well defined personality, solid and overwhelming; but, you can not walk around the city causing major wounds to people...A case of double personality? ... Little Humps, could transform into another monster with this scene he just witnessed ...
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Greetings @meesterboom
I love that little picture!
Yes, perhaps he is a man of double identity!
The journal eh, so many things in it! So many deaths no doubt!
Yes, the correct concept must be double identity.
Holy Jebus, Uncle Boom is taking on more risk these days. First Gran in the park (although maybe she survived--she could have been an Olympic swimmer back in her day for all we know) and now killing in front of kids. Witnesses are going bound to pop up soon and start talking.
Maybe he wants to get caught! ;O)
Oh good-oh! A new generation of serial killers! Good Show ,old chap!
Hehe, you have to start em young!!
OMG! He has an army of little Boomers in training! Run everyone, run!!! (And don't think I didn't notice the couple of dogs in there, doing things they shouldn't be doing and insulting a Spaniels..ahem! Stop it now, or I shall have to borrow uncle booms cane... xD )
Hehehem the spaniels hoohaa, How I laughed!! :O)
hmmm, well rusty is not amused... This is her 'I am not amused Boomey' face xD
She's a little tease that one :0D
... and now we know... the true beginnings of
Michael Myers.
Source
He got his start after a few lessons from @meesterboom
Nothing wrong with learning from the best! :0D