Thursdays With Uncle Boom #34

I stared at the smoke curling up from the ruins of one of my warehouses down at the docks.

This is a bit bloody shit.

I remarked to my good friend Carter. He was a fine sort despite having a face like a dog's arse drinking lemonade.

Absolutely old fellow, such a tragedy that your warehouse would bloody burn itself to the ground.

Hmm, yes.

I pulled out my new pipe; it was a lovely piece, carved from a stork's thigh bone. It was a bit whiffy when hot but this made it appeal to me even more. I puffed some Plum 'n Rum and looked on at the charred remains with a gnarled eye.

Boomy!

A fellow in a dapper little suit approached, accompanied by a uniformed policeman.

Georgie. What brings you here?

Georgie gave a faux perplexed grin and looked mischievously to each side as if expecting a puppet to appear from the wings and start clubbing him to death. He was an old friend, a Detective Chief Inspector for Scotland Yard. A good man, despite being a touch simple and having a chin like a parrot's tongue.

What brings me here? Really? Someone sets your warehouse full of valuables ablaze and you ask what brings the police??!

He leaned forward and poked me in the belly.

Arson, Boomy... ARSON!

I took my pipe out of my mouth and waved it airily at Georgie.

Oh come now old fellow. Arson? In this day and age?

Georgie pulled out his own pipe and gave it a light.

Most indubitably so old chap. Why it's obvious!

The Policeman beside him nodded frantically as if he were being rudely buggered with some fruit.

We have evidence!

Bellowed the Policeman.

Yes, we do that.

Grinned Georgie, who seemed to be taking quite the delight in my misfortune.

Evidence that someone perhaps has it in for you Boomy.

At this I threw my head back and laughed.

Someone has it in for me? Why, if that were so, I would bloody kill them!

Carter guffawed with me.

HA! Good one Boomers!!

Georgie looked uncertain for a moment before he too joined in.

Hahahahahh, yes. That is quite hilarious. Kill them indeed...

The laughter subsided. Carter fingered his beard thoughtfully.

So Georgie old chap... This evidence?

Georgie was gazing into the distance.

Carter nudged him.

The evidence?

Ah yes, sorry. I was miles away. Yes, come this way chaps.

Georgie and the Policeman led us over to what would have been the entrance of the warehouse. The doors were still standing despite the rest of the building being a smouldering ruin.

Is that enough evidence for you Boomy old boy?

I gazed at the door.

I jabbed at the scrawled message with my cane. The message a direct one, Burn Boomy Burn.

Georgie was examining me intently.

Does it mean anything to you Boomy?

Is it a race car?

Georgie looked perplexed.

A race car? It's a bloody cock and balls and it says, Burn Boomy Burn?!

Oh.

I smiled. Now it was my turn to poke Georgie in the belly.

I am not as familiar with cocks as perhaps you are Georgie. I thought it was a race car.

Carter leaned forward and inspected the drawing more closely.

You know Boomy; I think you might be right. It does look like a race car?

The uniformed Policeman shoved Carter out of the way.

It's a fucking cock and balls, it's obvious.

He declared.

Obvious? Did you study cocks in Police school? I hope you graduated with distinction?

The Policeman coloured purple.

Georgie placed a restraining hand on his forearm.

Race car or cock. The message is what is important. Does it mean anything to you Boomy?

There was a steely element in Georgie's voice that I was quite unaccustomed to. I didn't think I liked it.

No, it means nothing to me.

Didn't your old servant die in a fire not so long ago?

I gave Georgie a flat stare.

I can't quite recall, old fellow.

Georgie seemed dissatisfied.

Very well, please old chap, go about your business. We have some detectivity to be about.

Of course old fellow. Come along Carter, let's be off.

We headed toward my car. Carter blithering gibberish about a girl he had met that had a vagina like a cat's tongue.

We arrived at my car, Old Bessie. Carter stopped mid-chatter.

Look at this!

He plucked a piece of paper from the windscreen.

I say Boomy, do you think we should go back and tell Georgie?

I folded the note and put it in my inside pocket.

No old chap. I would rather not, after all...