Rowing Back

What do you think, will he be a bastard or a bastard?

Muttered my work-mate BinJuice as we helped ourselves to coffee in the Board Room.

Hey, I like to be optimistic so I think that he will be...

I paused for dramatic effect like a Windows machine booting up on XP.

An utter bastard!

I finished with a teaspoon waggling flourish.

Today, we were one of many groups booked in to hear the new CIAO speak. We had been told:

There is free coffee so bring an open mind and lots of questions!

Myself and BinJuice were loading up on the free coffee. As for the open mind and lots of questions bit, we were dry.

I snaffled us a pair of seats near the back where we could do the office equivalent of smoke cigarettes and snogging bad girls.

Sadly the office equivalent is to tap our feet and sneakily peek at phones.

A trampy looking guy walked into the room. He had on red corduroy trousers and brown shoes. His shirt looked quite un-ironed.

Worse still, he was wearing a bowtie.

He reached the small stage at the front that had been hastily assembled and bounded on to it hitting us with a big claymation grin.

Hello, guys. Welcome. Welcome. I will keep this short. I know we all have our oars to row on this big bloody boat were traveling on.

He gazed around at the slightly crowded silent room as if expecting applause or a random twitchy handjob from a DBA.

None were forthcoming.

So. Here I am. The new CIAO. I understand you will be wondering what's coming. What's happening?

Again he looked around eagerly, I noticed he had an eggy looking stain mid-thigh on his trousers.

Perhaps his missus had a vagina like a yolky volcano and he had dipped his toast soldier this morning?

Let me tell you a bit about where I am. How I lead. Let's take it back to my little opening joke about rowing...

He winked.

Left-field, I know. Did you know, in ancient Greece, people who manned the oars on their boats were professionals. They weren't criminals as you see in the movies. No. They were skilled oarsmen and they were paid according to that skill.

He rubbed his hands together and hopped endearingly from foot to foot before continuing.

They were trained. Like you will be trained... They had to work as a team... Like you will work as a team... And most importantly of all...

He paused and rapidly tried to look everyone in the eye. Given that their were almost thirty of us in the room it made him look quite epileptic.

Most importantly of all... They were valued. As you will be valued.

He stopped and bowed his head.

The crowd in the room went bananas at this awe inspiring speech. Hats were thrown high up into the air and men wept as if receiving the news that their wives period had finally came.

Ok, scratch that bit. That was a lie.

The silence that met this bizarre nautical-themed speech was broken by someone coughing nervously.

The new CIAO smiled and nodded.

I thank you for your time. Let's take this ship forward.

To a deafening roar of silence he walked back the way he had came. Smiling, ready to shake hands with anyone in the audience who looked willing.

No one was.

This place is going down the pan.

BinJuice said forlornly, arching an eyebrow.

Aaaar matey. That be true. Mibbe it be time to walk the plank?

I spat, twisting my lips up in a pirate snarl.

Maybe.

BinJuice sighed in reply.

Then we both sat for a while, on our big boat, in silence.