Negative C

What the hell is going on?!

Cried the good lady as she entered the living room. I looked up from the tins of tuna I was packing into an old duffel bag.

We gotta get out of here baby. It's happened.

I snapped.

Get out? Why?

She came in, treading carefully through the heaps of stuff that I had torn out of cupboards and had left strewn about me on the floor.

No time baby. We gotta dash, now.

I zipped up the bag and looked at her with love and compassion in my eyes. My beautiful princess. She had no idea. No idea of the shitstorm that was about to engulf us. A shitstorm of my own making and not the usual kind that I decorated the bathroom with after too much kebabage.

I don't understand, what has happened. What is all this?!

She waved a hand about at the mess like the limp tongue of an old shoe.

I took a deep breath and ssss'd it out through my nostrils.

We've gone NEGATIVE C baby. No time to talk. They could be here any minute.

Who could? Have you gone full bonkers again? What's NEGATIVE C when it's at home?

I shook my head. She had no idea. None. And I had to be the one to tell her. It was all my fault.

The cryptos baby. It's the bloody cryptos.

I muttered darkly, grabbing another bag and starting to stuff it with tins of mackerel.

The cryptos? I thought you said you were done with all that shit?

I stopped dead and looked at her grimly to make sure that she seriously hadn't just gone and assumed my middle name was Raul.

No baby. I am not done with them, not by a long chalk. And now, now, it's gone all Pete Tong.

You mean they have gone to zero like you always joked they might?

I made a flubbery-bubbery noise with my lips.

Zero?! Zero? HA! If only lass, if only. It's worse than that.

I said grimly.

How can it be worse than zero?

She said as if I had just tied a blue ribbon around my left buttock.

I shook my head. This was going to destroy her but she was my princess. My sweet sweet good lady. She had to know the truth.

It's worse than zero baby. They have dropped so much they have gone negative. It's what I have always feared. A full on NEGATIVE C situation. Now I owe them money. We have to get out of here. They will be coming for us.

The good lady looked panicked.

But where will we go?

Don't worry lass. I have prepared for this, you know all those long walks I have been taking with the dog? Down the old quarry nearby? We can hide there.

But we don't have a dog?

I stood, shaking my head again. Ah, my sweet girl. Of course we didn't have a dog.

No time for all this chit chat, lass. Come on, grab a bag. I have packed lots of fish, we can get by for months on that, fish is both a meat and a vegetable.

The good lady pulled away from me.

But what about the children? We can't make them live in a quarry eating fish for months on end?

I bounded over to her, cradling her cheeks in my hands.

We will have to leave them lass. We can't risk the baggage. They would slow us down.

But who will look after them?

She wailed.

I sighed sadly in response.

We can leave the back door open. Maybe the foxes will take them in. After all, the little boom has red hair, doesn't he?

The good lady gave a choking half sob that sounded like a cold spoon pressed against some testicles.

Is there nothing we can do? Is this the only option?! Can't you just sell the bloody things?

I reared back and whinnied like a mad horse given spaghetti instead of hay.

Sell them? Sell them? And go even more NEGATIVE C?!

An idea leapt into my head. It was crazy. It was beyond crazy but hey, so was I...

I ran over to the laptop and waited the interminable three seconds for it to boot up. Then I swiftly logged into Bittrex.

What are you doing?

The good lady asked fearfully, a tiny sliver of hope colouring her voice.

Well, baby. I just had a crazy notion. Call me a mad diddy but it might just work. What happens when you multiply a negative by a negative? You get a positive!

I hit enter on the keyboard.

_.
.
.

The living room was suddenly illuminated as the lights flicked on and blazed like seventeen suns. I let out a snort like air blown through jelly and jerked back from my laptop screen. The good lady bustled in.

Hey! Did you fall asleep staring at those crypto markets again?

I wiped the slabbery snail-trails from the side of my mouth.

Who me? No, don't be daft?

I closed the laptop before she could see all the red crypto shit floating about on the screen.

It looked like we were safe, for now.