Jammed

Aye aye, what going on here then?

I barked at the exposed buttocks of the Bear-Man.

Bloody thing is jammed!?

The buttocks growled back at me.

I made a face as if my aunt was discussing her collapsing mimsy again after she'd had a few too many gins.

I squinted around the gigantic hairy buttocks which was no easy task. Underneath them the Bear-Man crouched, fidding with the bottom of the roller shutter blocking the door of his beer shop.

You should pull your jeans up, someone might park their bike up there.

I gestured distastefully at his shameless buttockery heaving out above the waistband of his trousers.

Urgh..

I flinched as he continued to rummage about on all fours at the door. It was like watching a shaved ape clad in denim attempting to twerk.

Ah can't fookin get it. It's jammed. You fancy a try?

The Bear-Man straightened up to his full height. Glowering, he turned to face me, his fearsomely bearded face scrunched up in annoyance.

It was only a marginally better view than the buttockery had been.

Aye, let me have a shot?

I took the offered padlock key and bent down to peer at the lock the Bear-Man had been fiddling with.

A shadow fell over me as I crouched forward and I felt the Bear-Man's breath huff hotly onto the back of my neck.

SHIT!?!

This was it. I cursed at my foolishness. It had all been a ruse. A clever trap to ensnare me. Even now I could sense the coarse sack descending toward my head.

Surely, it was mere moments before I found myself bundled into an unmarked grey van and driven off to the coast then being loaded onto a container.

No doubt, I would wake up to find myself wearing lipstick and being fed lentils before being rode like a donkey by heavily bearded men.

Dammit. This was no way for such a figure of mannity as myself to meet his end.

CLICK

The padlock that was jammed turned and popped open.

You've got it!

Shouted the Bear-Man exultantly.

Slowly, I stood, dusting my knees of imaginary desert sand.

It was no bother.

I said as the Bear-Man hauled up the shutter and opened the door to his lair.

Come in, come in!

He cried, disappearing into the shops murky depths.

I followed, ready to buy beer but also ready...

For anything.