Doularity
It's coming.
Said the good lady excitedly.
It was just after 9 PM.
What, Christmas?
Said I, quite joyfully.
The good lady was pottering about, gathering up things and sticking them in a bag. She looked up, her face all wobbly with excitement and trepidation.
No silly, the baby.
The last time she said such words to me I almost turned myself inside-out via my anus with sheer terror because it was her own birth, the arrival of the little boom. Strangely, I once again felt the same terror and had to clench hard so as not to end up looking like half-dried beef jerky.
Oh, the Doula thing? Right, what do you need?
She laughed.
I've got everything, just have to wait for a taxi.
I stood and then sat and then stood again. I felt very uncertain. Whilst I was jack-in-the-boxing, the good lady was tying her hair back. I nodded in approval. Yes, this was obviously so that she didn't get hairs in the vaginal canal of her client or some such nonsense.
The taxi arrived.
The good lady gave me a quick hug.
Take care of the little guys tonight, hopefully I will be back by morning.
I nodded again.
God Speed!
I boomed out loud as she left.
I think I was trying to be funny but it just came out as manic and weird sounding.
After she was gone, I sat for a while. Perhaps I should go to bed? After all the little boom was notorious for his night awakenings and it would be good to get some sleep in before he started. I headed up the stairs.
Just as I got to the top I heard the unmistakable WAH's of a toddler stirring in his cot. Dammit?! So soon? On some level he must have sensed that the boobs had left the building.
I went to his cot and picked him up.
His eyes popped open and for a moment he looked happy... This rapidly turned to confused. I rocked him and made shushing noises.
Normally I can settle him when he wakes but the lack of boobage in the house seemed to infuriate him. His angry eyes glared wide at me.
WHERE ARE THE BOOBS?!
They seemed to demand.
I ignored his boobish wailing and continued to rock him.
Eventually he went back to sleep.
Relieved, I placed him back in his cot. His nose twitched. His face reddened and once again his eyes snapped wide open.
BOOB ME!!
They seemed to scream.
I took him downstairs and attempted to feed him real food. Contemptuously he threw it all on the floor. Squalling with frustration he yelled at me and the world in general.
WHERE ARE THE BOOBS?! I DEMAND BOOBS.
His cries seemed to say.
I found myself some hour's later, little boom in my arms, pacing back and forth.
I'm sorry little man. I'm sorry I don't have boobs. I have failed you.
I mumbled repeatedly.
At about 3 in the morning the good lady opened the door and came in, she came upon me pacing back and forth in the living room, the little guy in my arms asleep.
I looked up at her. She wasn't covered in ectoplasm and dried shit like I had half expected. She was incredibly happy and proud looking.
It was amazing, such an experience. Thank you Daddy-bear, for all your support. You have been amazing. How was it all back here?
I contemplated telling her of the awfulness and how I hadn't slept since she had left because of the lack of boobs in the house. She looked so happy though I couldn't bear to. Instead I plastered a manic grin to my face and tried to stop my left eye twitching.
It's been fucking magic lass. Don't you worry about us. I live for this shit.
She took the little boom from my arms.
Better get to bed you, you have work in the morning.
I nodded.
All was well, the house had boobs again.
Because there is usually two of them, boobs are both the lifeblood and death of society. Fuhget 'bout money! Boobs are what makes the world go round. They have launch thousands of ships, and thousands more rest in the cold ocean floor because of them. They are everything and nothing!
On a more serious note, congrats to your good lady on her first successful doula-ing! It's been a long journey, and now the tent isn't the only one that's red! And congrats to you for making it through the night, corn-BRO-lio!
I made it!! Yay!!
Hehe, yeah, she is awfully proud of herself and I am too. It's been a short yet long journey. I will have to finish her bloody website now :0(
With one client down, it would be a crime not to!
It would, I guess I know what I will be doing this weekend!!
Every time you post something like this, I am sure that my IT team see's warning flags about the stuff I am searching on ...
Case in point. I had to choose my search words carefully. But I have a solution.
:-)
Haha, now that is a solution!!! You guys watch them it folks. They see everything!!! :0)
And just think, you and your mates could bring that vest out to the pub and use beer bottles instead of milk bottles. You might get kicked out of the pub, but you'd definitely have a laugh.
And the laugh is the most important thing!!
Why didn't you take out your blow up doll ? I heard the Scots are into those things or did you break it. Little Boom would have loved that.
Lol, we are most certainly not into such things!
One has to check. Thought I would make that one up and see if anything fell out the tree lol.
A sound and will tested technique!! Haha!
I am happy to say you passed the test and now we know what to get you for Christmas.
Hate, one of them dolls! I've always wanted one!!
@meesterboom is incredible the children have a sixth sense about the presenacias of the tits and the mother, here at home when the children were small the same thing happened, luckily the good lady come back quite early, everything that men do for some money Additional features
I wish you a good weekend dear friend
It's almost as if they can smell the lack!!
It is all about the boobs to keep the little boom and man happy. Hahahahah! Upvoted!
They make the world go round!
Did she not express anything before she left?
We gave up on the expressing, he went off it! Same happened with our daughter. They only seem to take it when they are younger
Maybe a gluten free jaffa cake would have shut him up then?
Hehe, far too crumbly. Think of the hoovering!
lol I think most men feel the same way...they aren't happy unless there are boobs in the house. For some, the more the merrier!
Yes indeed. A house is nothing without them!!! :0)
Can't you make a cast of one boob and trick the young one?
"One spare boob shall be present in the house at all times."
I have contemplated this one but he is a canny wee man. It would probably enrage him further
Ah, OK. You would still have a nice cast, though.
It would be great for me!
It would make a great book support.
I have many books. Yes, it will be so
I upvoted your post.
Keep steeming for a better tomorrow.
@Acknowledgement - God Bless
Posted using https://Steeming.com condenser site.
You did indeed, thank you!
Praise be the boobs!!
Boobs: solver of all problems!!
It's a wonder they haven't established world peace!
Hm, that might be the fault of Aunt Flo...
It's like Ying and Yang! ;0)