Disruptor #1

Eggs and coffee for a very special man!

The Good Lady chirruped happily, clanking a plate down in front of me that looked suspiciously edible.

Ah thank you my little buttered scone! At last, a breakfast fit for a king!

I seized a fork and speared some of the tasty looking egg into my mouth where it lasted precisely half a second before I let it tumble wetly back onto the plate.

In the name of all that's holy, what in the fuckity baws is that!?

I pointed at the egg which now quivered jelly-like where it had flobbered back onto my plate.

Do you like it?

Beamed the Good Lady manically as if I hadn't just regurgitated the foul muck back up like a mumma-bird feeding its young.

It tastes of feet!? Bad feet. That's not egg!?

I sputtered.

The Good Lady clucked happily.

Of course it's not egg, silly. It's "Megg" - Mung beans and rice starch. It's very good for you.

I stared at the mung bean and starch concoction masquerading as eggs on my plate in disgust before lifting my head to give her the vinegar-eye.

Mung Beans?? Dung beans more like. That is bogging.

The Good Lady laughed.

You are always so resistant to change. Go on, live a little.

I stood, my chair scraping out with a scrawking noise as if it were an Alabamian pensioner being given a prostate exam.

No thank you. I prefer to live a lot and that means not eating strange, thickened, half-vegan shit.

I gave a self-satisfied half bow and grabbed my coffee taking a deep swig as I headed for the door.

Pfwooohaar!?!

I ran back to the kitchen and leant over the sink, heaving the imposterous brown muck that claimed to be coffee into the drain.

I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and glared at the Good Lady.

Chicory.

She stated with a grin as if she had drunk some high-grade petrol and was being enthusiastically revved up by an oily fingered mechanic.

I spat into the sink and stomped back to the door. What the fuck was Chicory!?

Chicory, schmickory. I'm out.

I slammed the door behind me and settled my Fedora jauntily on my head. Time to find some real coffee and whilst I was at it, maybe a new case to get my teeth into.

Arriving in work, I had barely enough time to shuck my long coat off before a white-faced El Jefe appeared, his mobile jammed against an ear.

Yes yes, I have someone in mind. Of course not sir. Don't worry, you can depend on me.

He ended the call and looked at me as if I were some soft and doughy Chicory he had just stood in.

Up, come with me.

He snapped his fingers annoyingly at me as if I were a young Spanish waiter paying too much attention to his auntie.

In return, I waggled my coffee cup at him.

Gimme five minutes, boss man. I just sat down.

He reared back, casting a nervous look around.

Now. It's important...

He hissed.

I sensed his desperation. Idly I contemplated getting mycannon of beef out and firing it at him disdainfully.

El Jefe grimaced and stepped forward, his voice low and urgent.

I need you?

He growled.

Any thoughts of cannon firing flew out of the window. He needed me!? Eeww. I don't know what I found more distasteful, him needing me or his out and out desperation in declaring so.

No can do, Boss Man. Ladies only.

I pointed pinkie and forefinger at my crotch in a universal gangsta salute.

El Jefe turned his eyes heavenward then reached forward and grabbed my collar.

There is no time to waste, we've lost another one and you're coming with me to find out what the fuck is going on.

I struggled a bit for show before giving in. We've lost another one...? This sounded suspiciously like I had a new case...