Bricks, Sand & Snails
Daddy, I have been thinking about my Birthday?
The Little Lady perched up on the side of my chair and looked at me with her giant can't be denied eyes.
Hmmm.
I uttered in what I hoped was a gravelly denying Father kind of way.
Well, Can I get a giant African Land Snail for my birthday. No, actually, can I get TWO?
She bounced up and down, those eyes gleaming with delight at the idea of giant slimy one-footed monsters hauling their big shells about and trashing my house.
My mind boggled. What the fuck was a giant snail? Had I missed something Jurassic Park'y? Had we found one in amber and oh so foolishly resurrected it from the dead?
Should I be getting my gun out?
Did I even have a gun?
All this and more raced through my head before I carefully answered.
A giant what now?! Are you crazy? How big are they? Euugh. Snails?! Are you sure?
In my head, I had visions of the things the size of a large dog, heaving themselves about the house leaving big trails of slime behind them on the carpets before lumping themselves into my bed and forcing themselves upon my hapless penis.
A bit like one of my ex-girlfriends used to.
I shuddered and switched my attention back to the Little Lady who was gabbling away ten to the dozen.
Hang on, hang on, lass. This needs some investigation. I don't even know if you can keep these things as pets?
I hastily pulled the laptop out and hopped onto the web.
I pulled up a result for giant land snails and scanned it quickly. As my eyes roved further and further down the page my mouth gaped wider and wider.
These things were a fucking menace?! Invasive species. They carried diseases. They eat plants and each other and... hang on... They eat bricks and sand for their shell? For fuck sake? They eat bricks and sand?
They eat BRICKS AND SAND?!?!
What if they got out and ate my house?
That was it. Under no circumstances were we getting giant fucking snails. No way. No way on earth.
Listen, lass.
I began.
OH PLEASE, DADDY. PLEEEEEAAAAASE!!! I need them!! I have wanted them for AGES!!!! YOU PROMISED!?!?!
The Little Lady started to wail as If I was the destroyer of all that was good.
Um, erm...
I looked frantically about for the Good Lady for a bit of support but she was nowhere to be seen. Typical. The Little Lady's cries grew louder and more desperate.
I caved.
Ok, lass. We can get giant snails.
A puppy will always trump a snail!!!!
The little lady would love a puppy!!! Or a Guinnea Pig!!!
If the little lady can keep a goldfish alive for 2 years, then, she can upgrade to a ... (she'll have changed her mind by then). But Chameleons are quiet, clean and sort of cool. And you get to watch them eat bugs.
There are so many strategies .. but most of them involve you losing the "no pet" rule
I love dogs!! A puppy would be awesome but the Good Lady is mental against them. Bloody annoying actually. And chameleons, I would bloody love one of them as well. I will start to work my evil magic on her and I suspect it might start with fish!!!
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Lol. Don't. We have one and they breed like something I have never seen before. Unless you have somewhere to get rid of them this is a very bad idea. The snail has both sex organs and the last batch was something like 200 plus. Another batch arrived this week and god knows how many are there now. You can't let them loose in the garden as you won't have anything left. They grow up to be the size of your hand and may look harmless, but I advise rather get something that is going to be less destructive.
We have two ice cream containers in the freezer full of the eggs and that looks a little more than 200 and more like a few 1000. My daughters pet and I would get rid of it if I could. Would you like a free one as these things are rugged and would survive the courier trip from SA to Scotland.
That's what I have been reading. I am now thinking, will I fuck. They look a nightmare. I will have to back pedal somehow on getting them as I was put on the spot!! They should fecking horrid!!!
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How stupid I should have told you how wonderful they are and they just sleep all the time. Couldn't do that to you though as they are nasty big things and if let loose could just take over . Had no idea they are a "thing" over there now which is not good news.
They are quite big over here now. The more o look into it the more I see horror but they are damn popular.
Lol, that works have been hilarious if you had said they were amazing!!
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Dammit, looked it up because never heard of those greaseballs, some even as big as a face.
Here in Holland you pay around 10 Euros for 8 tiny escargots, drenched in garlic butter and some slices baguette as an appetizer.
But with just 1 of these monsters, you can skip the main course and pudding and ask directly for coffee and the bill.
Haha, that sounds awesome, man!! I think I would love one of those baguettes!!! As it is I might be in the garlic giant email market soon. Lol!!!
Hahaha.
'Each snail has both male and female parts, which means they can mate whenever they run into another snail.'
(Just also found this "remarkable" fact about the giant snail)
Oh boy, wouldn't it be nice to be one too?
I think I would be touching my tits all day long ...
Them you would be like, oh God... I'm pregnant... AGAIN!!!!
:0D
Nothing like some nostalgia then? Hope the good lady doesn't mind sharing you!
She's happy. After all, she's the one that's stuck with me now!! :0D
That kinda takes the concept of shitting bricks to a whole new level now doesn't it.
Hey if they shat out bricks maybe they would just be rebuilding it!!!
Dude you could totally put those things to work moving houses!!!
Cool. They produce about 200 young every couple of months. I'm gonna be rich!!!
Wow! How you going to move houses if all they do is fuck all day!
Tricky but easily solved.
I will command them to fucking build houses!!
That is genius. You were obviously made for this business. A natural.
This is the fucking top, baby!!
May I suggest a new kitten instead?
(also...fyi....https://steemit.com/life/@gardenlady/q5p5vw)
A kitten works be smashing but I think she is angling for something new because we have cats!!
here's to hoping that cats eat snails!
I hope they don't, the diseased little (or not so little) fuckers!! :0D
I never get wailing now because I basically quietly lose it (which as the kids found out is much, much worse than yelling and screaming losing it) and the chances of them getting what they want drop to nothing and then into the negatives when they rail about how unloved they are and how much their lives suck and how terrible everything is XD
I don't think that's a good parenting technique given that it stems from a brain glitch but it does cut down some on the whining >_>
I ended up with a mental image of an ex-girlfriend-snail lumbering menacingly after you and still can't decide whether it's hilarious or terrifying so opted for the former XP
I think that idea is quite hilarious too. But then I also picture myself atop ones shell with reigns shouting heeyaa, heeyaa!
Yeah, that is a way of dealing with it. I have been known to not be so reasonable and foldy but sometimes I just don't have the strength!
Let's look at the bright side. It could be worse. She could want a poison dart frog or something. When I was a kid my sister and I each had a hamster, and they killed each other. Seriously, neither survived the battle that took place at some point while we slept. And I still have dreams full of guilt for having forgotten to feed the fish for more than one day in a row. The only possible good pet is a dog.
Worst case scenario you get the snail, but also get her a "pet" chicken. The chicken will totally eat it. Whoops. And then she still has a pet...but also guilt dreams about dead snails well into adulthood.
Ah, those smashing guilt dreams. I have found the perfect way to convince her of something else and that something I am hoping will be fish. And also hopefully we won't forget to feed em!
Show the good lady all of the reasons, terrible reasons, snails are a bad idea...than show her how cute puppies are...here I'll help you, with the 'worst' dog known to man, a pitbull:
Lucy. Awww, how can you go with a slimy crustacean when you can have this?
Aw see. If only she could see sense. She things we have enough on our hands with our two mental children!!
That sounds like an excellent choice of pet. Imagine the uses!
Messy entry from super awesome beach day? Oy, go get Gary!
Accidentally screw up the pavers in the garden and you're too tired to fix it? Larry! Here boy!
Haha, will, when you put it like that it doesn't actually said that bad!!! ;0D