Automaton #1

It's nice when you don't have a case isn't it?

Chirped the good lady as she set a Victorian Sponge down on the table. She sat down and happily began to slice into it, dividing it into nice even pieces.

I tilted my fedora up with one hand and eyed her suspiciously.

Indeed and why would that be?

The good lady finished slicing and carefully set down the glitteringly sharp knife beside her.

Well, you know. You are not running about shouting about time travel or vampires and what not. It's all very peaceful. Would you like a slice of cake?

I made a noise as if I was trying to saw my own leg off without whisky.

She ignored my gruntiness and passed me over a slice. The jam, oozing out the sides of the slice bought back painful memories of Korea in '58. I had a bad sandwich there once. I started eating it wondering what on earth possessed her to bake cakes for breakfast and worse, what possessed me to eat them...

Listen, lady. A man like me needs a case. Otherwise, what kind of detective would I be?

One of the cat's in the corner looked up in disgust at the audible pleading in my tone. As if I had failed the Cat-Mannity test once again.

Well...

Said the good lady quite smugly.

Perhaps if you find yourself at a loose end you could start painting the back hall? And that's just for starters.

Painting? Ah. Actually, I think there might be something I had to investigate. Will catch you later.

I wiped the last bit of cream from my chin before grabbing my coat and fleeing out the door.

I flopped down on the chair next to Mikey and wheeled in, yardboy close.

You like eggs for your breakfast, Mikey?

Mikey looked up in dismay as if he was reliving wiping his old Dad's arse again.

Oh, BoomDawg, haven't seen you in a while. Thought you'd left.

Never mind the flirting, Mikey. Serious question, you like eggs?

Um, I guess so. Yeah.

For your breakfast?

Well, yeah, I don't have them any other time.

I poked him in the shoulder, hard.

A bit of advice, Mikey-boy. In prison, you don't like eggs. You hear? You like eggs, you're gonna be guzzling hot salty porridge instead with your chin resting on ball pillows.

Mikey huffily turned back to his PC.

The only person who will see Prison is you. You're fucking nuts... Nutdawg.

He tittered slightly at that.

I readied to strike him with the Hand of Justice but thought better, he did have some uses did ole Mikey.

Anyway Mikey, I ain't here to talk about you sucking balls in Prison. I have a much more noble purpose. Tell me. What's the beef? What's the ramdamdoo? Who's bumping their gums, bad style?

He glanced at me, eyes narrow. No doubt thinking of big Prison men and yoghurt.

If it will get you the fuck away from my desk then you can have this... El Jefe has been very very quiet lately. Some have seen him hanging about in the basement. Up to no good if you listen to the rumours.

He turned back with a flourish fitting of a pelican dancing tango.

Now fuck off.

I stood. This was good enough. Looks like Mikey got to live another day. This sounded like a lead indeed. Something I could get my mitts on. Firstly though, I decided to make my way to the kitchen and fart in Mikey's favourite mug. The boy had to learn, everything comes with a cost.

---

After a successful mug farting, I hastened down the stairs to the basement. As I approached the bottom I was assailed by so many memories. I could almost hear Carlate's heels click-clacking over my heart. My body reacted accordingly and I had to bend over to avoid rhubarb'ing the door open with my penis.

I knew the need for subtlety and slid inside quietly.

Almost immediately I heard voices talking around the corner from the door. One of them was definitely El Jefe.

... Automation, yes. I can see the benefits now. And you are saying we can do this?

A sibilant whisper answered him.

Yessss, you can do this, we just need to start small and then...

Then?...

Said El Jefe, an unexpectedly nervous tremor in his voice. As if his favourite Gerbil knew what he had done last night.

Then we can Automate... EVERYTHING!

The snakey voice started to laugh manically.

Yes... Everything!

El Jefe joined in with the laughter which went on for so long I began to worry that they were examining each others giblets.

I snuck back in the door of the stairs. Good grief, So they plan to create an army of robots to replace us all? This was madness, hadn't they seen that movie about the robot something or others enslaving the earth!?

This needed some more investigation...