The Silence I Keep In My Mind

Suck it up
Do you need medication?
Why can’t you be like me?
Learn how to control yourself!
You’re too grown to act like this
How are you going to live your life?
Do you need to be institutionalized?

STOP!
How about taking a moment to COMPREHEND, then PSYCHOANALYZING ME!
I’m just a reflection of her, him, them, they … YOU -
I’m just a reflection of each problem you had
You just didn’t realize how your actions affected me
I’m you in a different body with your emotions because you didn’t know a healthy way to express yourself
Or - you simply did not like me
I. Am. You. If you look into my eyes you will somehow see yourself:

Insecure
Livid
Mortified
Petrified
Impulsive
Isolated
Apathetic
Culpability -

The list can go on
What you see, is also me
I collected emotions of each individual and made it my own
I made it my own because I was slowly drowning in the ocean I created
As I drowned, I started to feel a sense of anger that I began to sink from trying to get rid of the rage
The rage of unable to get out of this conflict because those who saw me struggling thought it was for attention
I would apologize for how I am but, I didn’t ask to be this way
My diagnosis is far more different than yours
The feeling is mutual, but there’s differences on how we respond. How we react. How deep in the blue ocean we are in -
What I’m saying is - my depression isn’t going to be like yours or anyone else’s
No, I’m not sick
What I have is a permanent wound that can only be stabilized
My neurotransmitters ostracized the nerve cells
The antidepressant I have been prescribed can’t increase the substances concentration that’s between the neurons

Lexapro - 500 mg
Prozac - 35 mg
Zolof - 50 mg
Fluoxetine - 50 mg

I don’t want to feel the way I do. I want to feel the sun within me … Just in my way
You see, I don’t want to be medicated
I don’t want to rely on medication
I want to learn how to manage my diagnosis even if I’m burning
How will I know if I’m naturally happy when I’m getting help by the tablets that probably contains nothing but powder
I rather trick my own brain then allowing particles travel within my body
Some medication can damage certain parts of my body, like the liver
It can also affect you in the future
I rather find a natural and healthy way to sustain myself
But no one understand what is going on in my head
They want to be my psychologists by diagnosing and saying what I need
I have no voice, and when I do it’s a controversy
I'm up at night due to the silence I keep in my mind