THE PRINCIPLES OF A GOOD MATCH
I. WHAT WE SEE IN EACH OTHER
READ 1 SAMUEL 16:1–13
“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” — 1 Samuel 16:7
Let’s talk
• What characteristics initially attracted us to each other? What qualities do we treasure most today?
• The blind woman never saw her partner’s appearance. Like God, she only saw his heart. Would we rather have people look at our appearance or at our heart? Why?
• What steps are we talking to improve our faith, our character and our commitment to God?
Samuel was sent to the house of Jesse to find a new king. When he got there, Samuel saw Eliab, one of Jesse’s sons, and thought that he must be the one God has chosen to be the next king. Evidently, like the previous king, Saul, Eliab was tall and striking. But Eliab was not the one God had in mind.
God warned Samuel not to assess people by their physical appearance. God reminded the old prophet that he doesn’t look at the outside; he looks at the inside. So, each of Jesse’s sons passed before Samuel, but God did not indicate that any of them was the man God had sent him to find. Finally, David, the youngest son, came in from the fields. Then the Lord spoke to Samuel, telling him this was the right one.
When we look at someone’s outward appearance, we often fail to see what God sees. This message was clearly illustrated to John Fisher when he was speaking at a seminar. “A couple came in late, and I could see that they were in love,” Fisher said. “I couldn’t help but notice the woman was very attractive, while the guy was a real nerd.
“What could she see in him?” Fisher wondered. From the outside, this couple didn’t look like a match. “Then I realized she was blind,” Fisher said.
“What did she see in him? She saw everything that was important in a person. She saw love. While another woman might not have gotten past this man’s unimpressive exterior, she was blind to that. She only saw his heart. Blessed are the blind, for they can see people as they really are.”
Like Samuel, we often make judgments based on what people look like. But God doesn’t use looks as his criteria. He evaluates people by what’s in their hearts. He sees their character, their faithfulness and their commitment to him.
During courtship, we can be charmed by someone’s good looks, attentiveness or flattery. All of that can be fleeting. Over the course of a marriage, the real person breaks through. Perhaps as your marriage ages, your spouse’s outward appearance starts to change. Your spouse grays, loses hair or gains a little weight. Perhaps the two of you fall into a rut, and the special treatment that marked your dating period begins to wane. That’s when we need to remember what the Lord said to Samuel about focusing on what’s in the heart rather than what’s physically noticeable.
The success of a marriage comes, not in finding who we think initially is the “perfect” person for us, but in our willingness to adjust to the real person we married.
II. PRINCIPLES OF A GOOD MATCH
READ GENESIS 24:34–67
Laban and Bethuel answered, “This is from the LORD; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master’s son, as the LORD has directed.” — Genesis 24:50–51
let’s talk
• Some people think there is only one right person to marry. In what ways do we agree with that? Disagree? Why?
• How does being committed for life to someone influence our actions toward each other?
• Before we met each other, what ingredients did we think were essential in a person before we’d consider marrying him or her? Which of those “essentials” were no longer important when we fell in love with each other? What caused the shift?
The story of Abraham sending his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac illustrates several Biblical principles for marriage.
The first principle is that prayer is important in all stages and in all decisions regarding marriage. Abraham’s servant prayed that he would find the right wife for his master’s son. Instead of relying on his own judgment or opinion, the servant let God guide his actions. And the Lord gave him success, leading him to Rebekah.
A second principle, one that Abraham insisted upon, is that we should marry a person who shares our beliefs. Abraham sent his servant hundreds of miles away to find a wife for his son Isaac among his family, knowing that would be the best place to find a woman who would share Isaac’s faith. Today, we know that God wants Christians to marry those who also follow Christ.
But even when we fail to heed that principle, God can still work in marriage. He did in my life, since I was an unbeliever when my husband, Grey, proposed to me. Grey said he sensed I was seeking Christ, but that’s not how I remember it. It was God’s grace alone that brought me to Jesus. Still, I doubt Grey and I would still be married had I not become a believer.
A third principle of marriage displayed here is that commitment is crucial. Amazingly, Rebekah agreed to marry Isaac without ever having met him. She didn’t say, “Well, I’ll see if I like him” or “I’ll give it a try.” She made a commitment and stuck with it.
I once heard marriage compared to buying a car. If you know this is the only car you will ever have, you will take very good care of it. If, on the other hand, you buy the car thinking you can always junk it and get another one, you’re less likely to change the oil and pay attention to the warning lights on the console.
While we want to heed the Bible’s principles on marriage, we don’t have to follow some of its customs, such as arranged marriages. In American culture we value individual choice and generally shun matchmaking, unless it’s on the Internet and we control the criteria. In finding a spouse for his son, Abraham would have listed such requirements as “relative” and “follower of God.” His servant might have added “kind, generous and hardworking”—someone who would respond to his request for water by providing enough for him and his camels to drink.
Whether or not you’re sure you married the one and only person in the world for you, once you’re married, that person becomes your one and only. Once the choice is made, all other choices are off the table. No matter how you and your partner came together, you are now one flesh, a unit, a team. Let God help your marriage become all that it can be.
III. THE TRUTH ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP
READ 2 CORINTHIANS 4:1–18
“We have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God.” —2 Corinthians 4:2
let’s talk
• Were there times when we’ve been tempted to give up on our marriage? What were some things that brought us to that point?
• In what ways have we been challenged to “speak the truth in love” to each other? To family and friends? To coworkers? How did that work out?
• What secrets or underhanded methods can tear a marriage apart? How does truth inevitably counteract them?
“There’s a sucker born every minute,” said the great nineteenth-century huckster P. T. Barnum. A brilliant and shameless promoter, Barnum established a circus in 1871 that he billed as “The Greatest Show on Earth.” Barnum’s entire career was plagued with accusations of fraud and scandal. One of his working philosophies was that there was no such thing as bad press.
The apostle Paul would not have agreed. He was well aware that there are naive people who are easily duped. However, Paul would have said that giving the gospel bad press hurts not only the followers of Christ but Christ himself.
As Paul wrote 2 Corinthians, he undoubtedly thought about the damaging effects of false teachers upon the new Christians in Corinth. In addition to the church’s problems concerning disunity, spiritual arrogance, abuse of spiritual gifts and misunderstanding of basic Christian teachings, Paul’s credibility as an apostle was being called into question by these false teachers. What right did he have to call himself an apostle when he had not been one of Jesus’ chosen Twelve? How could he tell others to live a life of victory when he had experienced nothing but trouble, trial, suffering and pain? Why should believers follow him when all he did was criticize what they were doing?
Paul did not lose heart. Knowing that his hope was in Christ and not in the things of this world, Paul refused to give up, and he encouraged the believers in Corinth not to give up either. He rejected the underhanded methods that false teachers had been using to establish their authority. He set forth the truth plainly, even when it wasn’t popular. Truth was his credibility.
As couples, we might be tempted to lose heart. The world attacks our purity and commitments in marriage, scoffing at the roles God has given us in our relationship and tempting us to be less than truthful with our spouses and others whom we encounter on a daily basis.
But as Christians committed to our Lord Jesus Christ, we, like the apostle Paul, reject all shameful manipulation, deceitfulness and underhanded methods. We tell our spouses the truth about the people we are with, the money we spend and the ways we spend our free time. We witness to our co-workers through our honesty and the way we talk about the people we work with. We show Jesus to our friends and family by “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). In short, we refuse to give the gospel bad press.
The truth that we speak and live out will be our credibility in building up our marriages and in witnessing to those who don’t yet know Christ, and it will help us share the Good News of Jesus Christ.
IV. BUILDING OUR RELATIONSHIP
READ 1 CHRONICLES 22:2–19
“Then you will have success if you are careful to observe the decrees and laws that the LORD gave Moses for Israel. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged.” — 1 Chronicles 22:13
let’s talk
• How has our love for each other and for God deepened as a result of persevering through struggles in our marriage?
• Which one of us needs the most help now, and how can the other best provide that help?
• What can we do today to build a strong marriage relationship?
“Marriage is a most remarkable and courageous human act,” says Ernest Boyer in A Way in the World (Harper San Francisco, 1984). “It’s the promise of two human beings to share life together on all levels, physical, economic, and spiritual. It’s a promise made despite the certainty of death, the certainty of change, and the uncertainty of everything else. There is nothing else we might choose to do that is quite like this act, nothing so foolish or so profound.”
Why do so many of us enter into this “foolish and profound” commitment when we realize that it is such a difficult thing to unify two separate individuals? Why do we assume we will have success when we know that others fail?
Before his death, David shared his vision for building a temple for the Lord with his son Solomon, to whom God had entrusted this sacred task. David had spent countless hours collecting and preparing all of the materials his son would need to build a house worthy of the Lord. Then David told Solomon that if he was careful to observe the laws of the Lord, he would have success.
Likewise, we too, need to take great care in preparing for the construction of a marriage. Marriage is like a temple—a magnificent living, breathing house for the Lord. When we stand at the altar exchanging wedding vows, we’re essentially agreeing to erect a temple in which to honor God. By following God’s plan for marriage—loving, honoring, and remaining faithful to each other—we will have success in honoring him. When we’re strong and courageous, we’ll be able to overcome obstacles and persevere. Sounds easy. But it’s not.
When you and her/her were preparing to get married, you all spent an entire year budgeting, envisioning, and getting quotes on bands, caterers, cakes and invitations—planning all of the elements that go into making a wedding day a success. Soon after we walked down the aisle as Mr. and Mrs., we realized we would need to apply that same kind of care to building our relationship for a lifetime, not just planning for a day.
Marriages often include struggles. Changes in career aspirations, guilty feelings over past mistakes, conflicts in other relationships—these and a myriad of other situations present many opportunities to be either the afflicted or the comforter within marriage. In these periods the one doing the supporting may begin to think, “I am not being helped by this person, only held back.” But because of that foolish, extraordinary vow of marriage, he or she keeps going.
Through the ordinary pains and sharing of day-to-day life, marital love matures into a love that models God’s own love for us. It is in this temple we call marriage that God profoundly manifests himself, giving us the tools we need to be successful as husband and wife.
V. PLANNING A MARRIAGE
READ NUMBERS 33:50–56
“But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those you allow to remain will become barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will give you trouble in the land where you will live. And then I will do to you what I plan to do to them.” — Numbers 33:55–56
let’s talk
• What are some potential stumbling blocks for us in our relationship? In what ways should we confront them?
• What are some of the unique challenges we face as a couple? Are there experiences or patterns from our past that might be threats to the health of our marriage?
• What dramatic action should we take to address these issues to ensure the longevity of our marriage?
In the months, weeks and days leading up to our wedding, we were blown away by the amount of work it took to pull off that single day of celebration. But we also remember the irony that struck us when we first started to settle into our new life together: besides a half dozen sessions of pre-marital counseling, we had done very little planning for our life beyond our first week together.
Now imagine for a moment the excitement of the Israelites who, after a 40-year journey, were finally preparing to enter the land long promised to them by God. God had led them through the wilderness, and now everything was culminating in this final conquest.
On the eve of this momentous invasion came a sobering message from God (see Numbers 33:50–54). God said that when his people took possession of the land, they were to run off the inhabitants of the land and destroy their religious symbols.
Why would God utter such harsh words and follow them up with such a harsh warning (see verses 55–56) in the middle of all the joy and excitement? The answer is simple: The Israelites’ emotional excitement about moving into the promised land had made them nearsighted. They weren’t thinking about ensuring their longevity and blessings in the beautiful land—they weren’t thinking that far ahead.
God remained farsighted, however. And what he saw made him warn his children about the dangers that could have devastating effects on their devotion to him. God didn’t advise the Israelites to just politely address the issue; he commanded them to deal with it violently and dramatically.
God is similarly farsighted on our behalf when it comes to marriage. When we join God in taking the long view of our marriage, we begin to see that amidst the excitement and joy of wedding festivities, we have a serious calling. We must address marital stumbling blocks such as bitterness over past hurts, dysfunctional relationships with our parents, critical attitudes, memories of sexual sins, or unhealthy habits and addictions. We need to meet those stumbling blocks head-on.
One night our friend Sarah called us in tears. She had just found out that her husband, Michael, was addicted to Internet pornography. At first Sarah seriously considered separating from her husband. But over the next few weeks, she watched as Michael changed from a guilty, defeated, self-proclaimed loser into a warrior. With great courage, Michael took dramatic steps to fight his battle with pornography. He spoke frankly with his pastor and asked to be held accountable. He installed pornography-blocking software on his computer. And he began intensive professional Christian counseling every week.
A few months later, Sarah again called us in tears, but this time was different. “I love Michael so much more now than I ever did before,” she said. “Seeing his courage and his passion to fight hard for our marriage has made us so much closer. I know this sounds corny, but I mean it: Now he truly is my knight in shining armor.”
VI. Conquering Fears in Marriage ( Read Hebrews 11:1-12:3)
Hebrews 11:1 NIV “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
Let’s first pray to ask God’s wisdom, talk and learn altogether about the “The Conquering Fears in Marriage” in Hebrews 11:1-12:3. And I am a listener, learner, and God’s messenger (Psalm 119:33-35 NIV “ “Verse 33 Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees, that I may follow it to the end. Verse 34 Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Verse 35 Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.”)
Only Lord Christ Jesus is our resources, and He is can do all things possible:
- What are the toughest choices or biggest risks we’ve ever had to take in our lives? In marriage?
- What is our vision for our life together?
- What fears do we have?
- What hopes do we have?
- How can we help each other live like heroes of faith as we face fears and risks in the years to come?
Well, it’s scary to tell someone, “I love you.” It’s even more frightening to ask, “Will you marry me?” Still even more terrifying answer, “Yes.” Think about the sweat weak-in-the-knees words, “I do” and can follow them: buying a house, having children, moving the family to a different state, taking a new job… The list of intimidating, heart-pounding, fear-provoking aspects of marriage goes on and on. When you stop and think about it, though, all of the Christian life takes tremendous courage as we commit our lives to God and join others who are called to be God’s people. Though we cannot see God, we can be confident of God’s goodness, God’s power, God’s presence, and God’s wisdom. And yet we still must take that fearful first step of trust. As Christians, we trust the unseen and base all our decisions about love and marriage on God’s invisible reality and the promises He has made. To live the Christian life and to make choices (not only for me, but for my entire family) based on God alone we can’t see is tough, but the Bible tells us that this is the only wise choice to make (Hebrews 11:31-38). As we face the risky and intimidating aspects of married life, we are to trust God. For as Hebrews 12:1 assures us, we surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, and therefore we have the strength and courage to throw off everything that hinders us and move more forward in love, confidence, and trust. This is the unseen reality that makes sense of our choice to step forward into despite our fears.
VII. HONORING OUR BODIES
READ 1 CORINTHIANS 3:1–23
“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?” — 1 Corinthians 3:16
let’s talk
• What does each of us love about our own body? About the other’s body?
• In what ways do we show that we honor each other’s bodies?
• In what ways could we improve our health habits? How do we sabotage those efforts? How can we support and encourage each other in making healthy changes to our individual lifestyles?
The human body is indeed sacred because each one of us is made in God’s image (see Genesis 1:26–27). Furthermore, as believers in whom God’s Spirit dwells, we are God’s “temples.” Paul valued this concept so much that he used it twice in 1 Corinthians in relation to the church collectively (1 Corinthians 3:16–17) and to believers individually (1 Corinthians 6:19–20). As God’s temples, we are to consider our bodies as holy places, set apart for his honor: “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies” (1 Corinthians 6:19–20).
Marriage brings an additional dimension to the concept of the human body. When God made Adam and Eve, he said the two would become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Jesus reiterated this in Matthew 19:5. That means that, in essence, my body no longer belongs solely to me; it also belongs to God and to my husband.
Therefore, I have a responsibility to honor my body for the sake of God, my husband and myself. For me, that means controlling what I eat (I struggle with my weight). It means exercising to keep myself healthy. It means not flaunting my sexuality before anyone other than my husband.
For my husband, it means quitting smoking. It means avoiding salt and caffeine and fat. It means taking daily walks to improve his cardiovascular system. It means finding ways to ease stress and put limits on work. And because we are two who have become one, it means helping each other struggle with lifestyle changes that will make our bodies strong and healthy.
We could have reacted to my husband’s heart condition with a cavalier attitude: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow both of you die.” But you owe it to your spouse and to the God who made me in his/her image to care for your body as best you can—and to care for my spouse’s too.