Homerdormer syndrome. Or 'Dead man walking', disease...comedyopenmic#34

A new study just published has revealed some startling facts and insights into modern day living and it's effects on the males of the species.

This detailed study has been following over 20 million males , worldwide, for the last 60 years. (continually).

It has been discovered that all males have a microscopically thin sinew, that is connected between the penis, and the spinal column.
While a fascinating biological discovery in itself, it has raised some worrying and far reaching implications. It's much more than than just finding a 'dick string'.
(interestingly, over 55 million women - when told about this penis/spinal column connection, said 'Tell me something I don't know').

Scientifically known as 'The dick string', it was found that some males appeared not have this string, but this was a misleading conclusion.
Further tests found that the dick string is in a constant growing and melting, cycle.
And men seem to have radically different regeneration times, than others...

It was found that this biological process had been completely interrupted in the males with lawns.

Some men's 'dick strings' were just not regrowing !

Homerdormer ( 'dead man walking', disease)

These two photographs are of the very same man. These pictures were taken only 6 months apart .

Symptoms of 'dead man walking' syndrome include:

Significant ageing and hunched backs are prevalent.
We found that all sufferers over 28 years old were unable stand up straight any more.

Wearing wool products for almost every occasion, and an insistence of specific footwear in the house. (or 'slippers').

A need to build sheds. When we inquired about this feeling, the overwhelming response was ' I dunno, I just want to build stuff, then I have somewhere to put more stuff, in'
Connected to this obsession with sheds, is the almost addictive behavior of 'The Sunday morning hardware store, walk' .

It was initially thought that this was a contagion found specifically within the lawn environment. First studies found overwhelmingly- that 99.4536% of males with lawns, suffered from this debilitating illness.
They had no dick string, whatsoever!

It was also noted that men without lawns- but still having plenty of access to open fields and lots of grass environments- almost never suffered from it.

Then an even more startling picture started to emerge, as more information came in.

It was NOT just limited to males with lawns!

Males from all walks of life appeared to be affected with this disease.
With some notable exceptions:
These included men who work in all male environments, and men without partners.

Pictured below are sufferers of 'dead man walking' syndrome in the urban environment, and the stark contrast of a uninfected villager, in Africa.

All three men said ''whats a lawn?', but only Nigel was single.

It now appears that the 'dick string' is an essential male component in maintaining a dignified poise, and once not active, men just seem to want to- literally- 'curl up', and die.

Initial trials are now taking place with sufferers, to see if any remedy can be found to this ailment.
The results, so far, seem to be quite promising- but there is no definitive conclusions as yet.

The trials so far include:
Female free environments for a full 7 hours a day - no exceptions!
And quite paradoxically, environments full of females for 7 hours a day.
(it must be noted that the 'female heavy' environments must never include females that are already known to the sufferer of the illness.)

I nominate @dexterdumb and @doomsdaychassis
(with 3 free therapy sessions, if they are sufferers of this debilitating disease).