Find Your Holes

Greetings and blessings brothers

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There are days when we seem anesthetized. In those days we feel nothing, it seems that we do not live our own lives, it seems that we are in another dimension, just observing that "I" perform their daily tasks, as if it were not part of it. We are in a hiatus, in a vacuum.

We do not prejudge those hiatus and, generally, we do not perceive them approaching. When we realize we no longer live, we just breathe and eat. We do not know more about who we are, what our purposes are and we do not know where we forget the "I", whether at work, at school or if we just lost it and we do not even know where to look for it.

You, like me, must have those moments when you suddenly realize that you are not existing. And it's funny how perceiving that scares us and creates anxiety. We are afraid of losing more days and of not being able to return to ourselves. We are afraid of not being more "I", but another unknown person, who lives in the third person.

And reading the Bible this week I was able to notice something I had never noticed before. I realized that God considers these hiatus.

At night, in my bed, I looked for the beloved of my soul, I looked for it and I did not find it. Ct 3.1

Imagine newly married with the loved one and do not find her on any given night. Here I do not want to emphasize the gender, but the fragility that this situation would cause. Think of the pain, of the anguish, of the desperation of not finding more of the one we love. Certainly we would be lost, desperate, confused, it would be a painful breach in that relationship.

And that hiatus in the life of that girlfriend of Cantares is curiously similar to ours. The bride, at the moment when she is without the boyfriend, loses her identity. We can not know, just because of this verse that she is a bride, because she does not have a boyfriend. She is no longer beautiful and beautiful, as the groom describes her, because she is not observed. She is no longer loved, because the object of love left. She is nobody in this verse, only someone in an interval. Someone undefined, with undefined emotions and without a direction.

And, like us, the bride of Cantares despairs. She says, in the following verses, that she gets up at night in search of the beloved, without finding him. She says she looks for the guards of the city and only when she leaves them finds and from there on, she no longer lets him escape, taking him to the house that belongs to her and her family.

In the same way, when we get lost, we can search the entire city, the world and the entertainment it has. We can ask others what they did to reunite, what they did to stop this hiatus and find the purpose, the reason for their lives. But the truth is that we will only find that "real me" when we stop asking and start looking for ourselves.

As in search of a secret city, that so many films narrate, I can not point a way, because it does not depend only on the route to find it. They are not sympathies or tactics of pilgrimage that will make you find. You do not need a compass to find it, but from a heart.

And find, as with the bride, find who defines us, to show us who we are or how much we are. Someone who tells us the beauty that is in us, so that we are beautiful and someone who loves us so that we are characterized by that love. We need to be someone and someone who makes us be. When you find that someone, we will no longer be someone else, because that someone will say who we are and we will recognize and return to the path of happiness.

In my hiatus I am looking for Jesus. I look for him because he defines me as someone loved, because his life gave for that love. I look for it because He sees beauty in me, although in the darkness of life I do not find more beauty. I am looking for him because he being God, he reminds me that I am a man and I depend on his mercy to be with the Lord, what He gives me of grace, by Grace.

But that meeting is not given by my experience, it is not given by my words or texts, it is given by his intimacy with him, by having him in his heart inhabiting.

In your hiatus, look for the One who makes you be and not only exist, look intimately to Jesus and you will be.

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