HUMOR: Stuff Grandpa Says Part 1

Prologue:
This book is a compilation of excerpts from real life conversations with my father who we will call Grandpa. Born in Eastern Europe in 1944, Grandpa has been living in California since the age of 18. He still retains a strong European accent, but can speak very good English. He can’t spell a word of English however, and we he writes anything sounds like a Nigerian scammer. Although he isn’t outwardly racist, he often uses very politically incorrect terms for certain ethnic groups, without even realizing he’s being offensive. If you are offended by any of this content, please understand he doesn’t actually have any feeling s of ill-will towards any racial group, or any sexual orientation, this is purely for entertainment purposes. He went blind recently from having two rare strokes in his eyes, and has only maybe 2% of his vision available. I decided to compile some of the conversations we had, because you just can’t make some of this stuff up.
Enjoy

Stuff Grandpa Says
Me: Dad, you better change your pants before we go. There’s brown spots on your butt.
Grandpa: Are they shit stains or just dirt?
Me: I dunno, they are brown spots.
Grandpa: Where are we going again?
Me: Home Depot and the Bank
Grandpa: I’m fine then. Let’s go.

Grandpa to Grandma: What’s that Smell?
Grandma: We went shopping, that’s the new Jennifer Lopez perfume.
Grandpa: It smells like horse piss.
Grandma: It’s $60 a bottle and the most popular new fragrance on the market
Grandpa: Why did you pay $60 for horse piss?
A yellow jacket flies by
Grandma swats it away. : Go away bee, don’t sting me.
Grandpa: it’s attracted to that perfume you have on.
Grandma: No it’s not.
Grandpa: Yes, it’s a well known fact that bees are attracted to horse piss.

Phone rings:
Grandpa: Hello.
Telemarketer : We are calling to see if you are interested in a unique special offer.
Grandpa: What’s that?
Telemarketer: sir, a unique special offer from New nations bank
Grandpa: Say again, I’m having trouble hearing you with all these cars going by
Telemarketer: Sir? Are you interested in hearing more about….
Grandpa interrupts.
Well, I’m living under the bridge right now, the cars are so loud I can barely hear you. Can you come visit me personally and tell me about this offer. It’s the big underpass in Los Angeles with lots of cars going by.
Telemarker: Click

Grandpa: So, how is your new boyfriend?
Daughter: He’s great. We have been dating for two years. We would get married , but we don’t really believe we need to get married.
Grandpa: Where is he from?
Daughter: He’s from Huntington Beach California, but I think his dad is part Croatian.
Grandpa: Oh, you better be careful then, I heard those Croatians are all gay.
Daughter: Gay?
Grandpa: Yeah, you better be careful , he may turn out to be gay on you.
Daughter : rolls eyes. Dad. I really don’t think there’s any possibility he can be gay.
Grandpa: Well, I would watch out, If I were you. You never know.

Grandpa: Good morning girls, you want some sausages for breakfast?
Friends: Hey, why is your dad wearing tighty whities?
Me: I don’t know. Dad, will you put some pants on?
Grandpa: Why? It’s a nice day outside.

Grandpa: I’m really annoyed at these credit card companies. They just keep insulting me.
Me: Insulting you? How?
Grandpa: Well, they wrote that they won’t raise my credit limit. It says because I don’t have enough experience using credit. I’ve been using credit for almost 40 years.
Me: dad, it says that you are no longer credit worthy.
Grandpa: Yes. I can’t take these insults anymore. I’m going to call them and let them know I can’t take their insults anymore.
Me: Good luck. You will just get someone overseas who won’t care anyways.
Grandpa: I think they have something personal against me over there. Maybe they don’t like foreigners.

Grandpa: Hello.
Telemarketer: Good morning sir. Is Mr. Rukhaus available
Grandpa: speaking
Telemarketer: Yes sir, I’m calling to let you know about our very special offer from National Geographic.
Grandpa: Yes , I watch that channel often
Telemarketer : oh good. Then you will be most interested in our new video series, the Great Pyramids of Egypt.
Grandpa: Are there any naked ladies in this show?
Telemarketer: ah… no sir, its about the pyramids of Egypt
Grandpa: Don’t call me unless you are selling nudie films. I like to watch naked ladies better than I like watching about pyramids.
Telemarketer: ah.. yes sir, well we have this special offer for only $19.99 with free shipping and handling
Grandpa: You will send a nude lady to my house for $19.99 and free shipping?
Telemarketer: no sir, the pyramids of Egypt video will be sent to your house for $19.99 and free shipping . Can I go ahead and charge your credit card?
Grandpa: I have lots of videos about airplanes, there’s no naked ladies in those either. Why don’t we trade?
Telemarketer: Click

Me via skype: Hi dad, hows it going?
Grandpa: Oh, pretty good. I’ve got a hemerroid again, so I can’t sit in this seat very long.
Me: That’s gross Dad. Is it dinner time?
Grandpa: yes, about that time. By the way, I’m waiting for the telemarketers to call so I can mess with them.
Me: dad, why don’t you just hang up when they call?
Grandpa: Because they are purposely calling just to bother me.
Me: I don’t think they are purposely calling just to bother you. Why don’t you put your number on the no call list.
Grandpa: I’m waiting for their call right now. They usually call me around this time.
Grandpa’s Phone rings
Grandpa: Sorry, Can I call you later? I gotta take this. Click

Knock on door:
Grandpa opens door: May I help you
Lady: We are from the Kingdom of Jehovas Witnesses
Grandpa: I ‘m blind. I won’t be very useful as a witness. Can you have them take my name off the list for Jury duty?
Lady: I’m sorry. Sir we are from the kinddom of jehovas witnesses spreading the word about God.
Grandpa: Well, I’d love to talk to you, but I’m just in the middle of butchering chickens so I can use the blood for my spiritual rituals. Would you folks like to come in the back yard and watch?
Lady: turns and runs
Grandpa: slams door

Grandpa calls via phone:
Me: Hello.
Grandpa . Hi hows your dog . Is he shitting everywhere?
Me: No. Dad he goes outside to use the bathroom.
Grandpa: What kind of dog is he again?
Me: Dachshund.
Grandpa: Oh those Chinese dogs.
Me: No, weiner dog. German.
Grandpa: Oh, sausage dogs. I bet they are shitting everywhere.
Me: Hows Grandma?
Grandpa: She’s working like a dog.
Me: Is she shitting everywhere?
Grandpa: No, only in the back yard.

Grandpa: My internet is slow
Me: Did you try resetting the router?
Grandpa: It’s not that. I think they are doing it deliberately.
Me: I don’t think so dad.
Grandpa: They almost cleaned out my account twice, and now they are making my internet slow.
Me: Just remember not to enter your personal information into any emails. They are phising when they do that.
Grandpa: Never mind fishing. I could care less how many fish they catch, I just want them to stay out of my bank account.

Grandpa: How is my grandson Current doing?
Daughter: Dad , his name is Curren. No “T” on the end
Grandpa: How do you say it
Daughter: Curren. Sound it out Kurr….ren
Grandpa : Koooren
Daughter: Yeah curren
Grandpa: So when does Kooorent turn one years old?

Grandpa: I’ve been buying some stuff on ebay lately.
Me: Yeah. Like what?
Grandpa: Airplane parts and stuff.
Me: That’s nice.
Grandpa: Ebay is good for buying , but not very good for selling.
Me: I sell stuff on ebay all the time. What are you trying to sell?
Grandpa: Airplane parts, but nobody is bidding.
Me: Well, are you clearly explaining all of the details as well as the cost for shipping. Those parts must be heavy, maybe nobody wants to pay for shipping.
Grandpa: maybe
Me: I can look at one of your auctions and see why nobody is bidding
Grandpa: Ok, here take a look
Me: ok, well first of all you have no picture. Nobody can see what they are buying
I scroll down:
Fer sayl,
Erplen part off cesna 150. Gud Kondishin. Will ship to yer lokashin
Me: dad this looks like a Nigerian scammer wrote this. It’s all in broken English.
The sad and honest truth discovered at the age of 32, that my dad has no idea how to write in English.

Me to my brother:
Hey, are you at Dad’s house now?
Brother: Yeah.
Me: What’s he doing?
Brother, he’s in the back yard trying to dig a hole for the swimming pool.
Me: But he’s blind.
Brother: yeah, but don’t say anything. It’s keeping him busy.
Me: Ok, whatever.

Grandpa: Do you want one?
Me: no thanks, I don’t eat sweets anymore
Grandpa: But you are so skinny, it would do you good to eat one, once in a while.
Grandma: I’ll take one
Grandpa: These aren’t for you
Grandma: Why?
Grandpa: Look at your Butt-skee in the mirror.
Me: Dad!
Grandpa: What? Have you seen her butt lately?