Last Week I Attempted to End My Life and Woke Up in the Hospital.
I have debated writing this blog all day because it is so vulnerable and raw but I decided I want to be honest and shine a light on mental illness and it has a happy ending, so maybe it can help someone?
So, my roommate comes home and finds me in the same position as when he left and then finds the suicide note I scrawled on one page. I was going to photograph it but apparently police took it with them when my roommate called. It was mostly I am sorry and please, please take care of Mouse. I just can't take the pain anymore. Part of it was being so tired of this relentless disease but obviously some of it was early childhood trauma related.
What I remember from the first night in the hospital.
I had taken probably like 50 elavail and 13 xanax bars and other random pills before passing out so I was barely conscious but do remember repeatedly asking for my phone, which much annoyed a nurse and asking for water because my mouth was so dry. They couldn't give me water for some reason at that time so they kept giving me ice chips? I think I was IV'd to fluids though.
Also my veins are always the hardest stick so now I look like a fat heroin junkie.
I slept for the next 3 days with someone constantly watching me and a sign on the wall that said I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom alone. I had a doctor come in and ask me why I had tried to kill myself and I mentioned the physical pain and the mental trauma and all of it. I was very honest. I had two chaplains come in while I was there and I am a staunch atheist but still welcomed them in and they were both wonderful, pure people that clearly took the good lessons from the bible and truly just wanted to listen and help. I feel like they touched me deeply in the short time we spent chatting. 40 year age gaps and polar opposite religious beliefs but just two humans connecting on the foundation of one wanting to help the other who is hurting. It is truly beautiful.
I felt a bit dehumanized in those first days. Constantly watched. Having to strip down. Catheters going in an out. Being poked with IV's. It was surreal and I was in a daze but once I was coherent I found that, unlike in FL, these people genuinely wanted to help me even though I told them I have no money. I started the process of emergency medicaid, was set an appointment with a urologist next week, have a therapy appt in a month, and am going to get a primary care doctor.
A faulty heart?
They decided they didn't need to send me to the psych ward once they found the reason for my wanting to end my life was really just a lack of medical care and once I seemed coherent and happy but they noticed any time I stand my heart will go from like 60 to 160. This alarmed them and they made me stay a few days until the cardiologist could see me. He sent me home with a heart monitor and a prescription he told me was $4 but ended up being $40 but hey, a working heart is worth more that $40, right? It's pretty damn vital to being as a human.
I was very happy when I saw this sign that they trusted me to be alone with myself again.
Really I just want to express that I went from done and SURE I wanted to die to having a lot of mental health and physical health check ups scheduled. I was supported and kept alive by strangers. I wasn't tossed aside because I had no money. This experience changed my life. The St Cloud hospital is the best hospital I ever had the pleasure of being lugged into half naked and OD'ing. (Yeah, it wasn't the first time...) I also avoided all IC triggers and haven't drank now in a week again. I think with all the support I got I can really stick to it this time.
My plan is to continue therapy. Take whatever meds professionals tell me to take. Be honest about my flaws. Work really hard on them. Change my lifestyle entirely because if you want to die you aren't living right. I am going to do what I can with my body even if it isn't what I used to do. I am going to meditate. I am going to lose the unhealthy extra weight (already 5lbs down!) and yeah, that's where I have been this past week...
I'm also really fortunate to have a roommate/best friend who still loves me after I subjected them to such an awful image. When he picked me up from the hospital he told me it was "Laura" day and we would do whatever I wanted. We did. I peed a lot but I had a great time. I got a book about living in the slums in India that looks like a book that will change a person's world view, a chrome fancy razor with a little stand, we went to starbucks and I got steamed soy milk trying to avoid IC triggers but ended up confirming soy DEFINITELY irritates me.
All things considered, I feel pretty damn lucky right now and I am glad I failed at ending my life.
edited to add the first entry of a daily sketch journal I bought today.
edit I found out after writing this that I was actually most likely a few minutes from brain damage or death. My blood sugar was dangerously low. I had like a mental breakdown and sobbed at the thought of this intruder murdering me when I was away. That is what this felt like. I think this has solidified the sober path for me. This is no fucking joke anymore. This is my life.
I used to suffer from recurring UTI's so I can't imagine what you must be going through suffering chronically from similar symptoms 24/7. Painful diseases are the worse thing that can happen to you. I will not tell you not to end your life, because you are the one who should be deciding this and I can't step in your shoes living a healthy painless life myself. However you can decide to try to stay strong and work against your illness as much as you can. Diet, exercise, mental health, setting small goals each time. Seeking the best medical attention. I have a friend with a painful medical condition as well. You cannot imagine how many doctors one has to visit until they can find one who can actually help them. It needs persistence and you often need to do your own research and see what helps your own body. Causes for IC are not clear, so try to find out what might be causing this on you. It could be spasms. It could be neurological. It could be autoimmune. Look for any domino effect. Each cause has its own treatment or at least helpful medications. Continuous efforts often pay back. I'm with you.
Thank you. Your mentality is exactly where I am and I agree with literally everything. I have been doing my own research for almost 2 years and now am going to finally get a cystoscopy to kind of confirm what I know but you are so right about different causes. Mine flared from stress and over-drinking when my best friend died and never went away. So, I am finally being really serious about the IC diet and trying to reduce stress. I think eventually my life can be livable but meds and surgery can help too so I am going to explore all options. Thank you for acknowledging that as a healthy person you can't get it. You wouldn't believe how many people call me lazy or judge me because they don't get it.
It's difficult for people to empathize with someone in pain since they are not feeling the physical symptoms themselves. Body and mind are not two separated entities like we used to think. You secrete different hormones when you are well than when you are sick, your neurotransmitters have a different balance. Your body prioritizes different tasks and that reflects on your everyday actions and feelings.
People falsely assume that if they get sick their body will deteriorate but their mind will keep the same mental state. It doesn't have to do with lack of will but with human physiology. That said, a positive mental attitude actually helps in many cases, in a similar way to placebo effect. Especially if you recognize that stress played a big role in the development of the condition.
The thing is now, it will have turned into a vicious circle. You will be stressed and/or depressed, but it's natural to feel that way when your body is sick. One will cause the other. Try to keep stress in check by finding activities that you can enjoy that are somewhat compatible with the limitations of your illness (i.e. a hobby you can do at home). And yes - keep researching and insisting. Only you know your body. A solution can be something that a doctor hasn't thought of. For example, if alcohol was a big factor, your body might have learned to react to alcohol or a substance you associated it with in consumption. This is only an example. The body is an structure made of millions of tiny microorganisms. You'll never guess how they react sometimes.
My advice would be to explore all non-invasive options first and take as many opinions from different doctors as possible, leaving surgery as the last option.
Ive done all non invasive options mostly. I need medical help now. I will try the least scary meds but would sign up for surgery in a heart beat if it even minimized this pain by 40%. I have been like this for almost 2 years and can hardly bare it. But I definitely will try instillations and meds before surgery and diet. I plan to meditate daily again and be as active as I can even if its just a 20 minute walk outside with music. That used to really elevate my mood. I would walk for hours. I can't walk for hours now but that doesn't mean I can't walk at all! :D
Offing yourself is a waste of potential lovely..!
Can't say I didn't have a few close calls when I was younger but the fact you are still here means something. Take from it what you will. As a guy that lives with constant pain and a touch of the crazy I can imagine how it is.. Hell I can still remember how it was.
Chin up. If you need to talk let me know. No need to keep to yourself if you are hurting silly girl.. You've got support / friends here.
Aw thanks so much Klye.
I am actually still alarmed because I looked up what I OD'd on and it is very often fatal and surprising I am alive but heart issues and failure are an effect of overdose and I have this heart issue and was sent home with a monitor so I feel like any minute I might plop after having changed my mind....
But hopefully these are unwarranted fears. I have been alive for 6 days since taking them? ( ._.)
Thanks so much for the comment and support. :)
Let the anxiety go.. :D If you're anything like me (which you are) you are your own worst enemy and freak yourself out more than needed. Breath, relax and realize it's all just experience.
Humans are incredibly resilient against death for the most part. Spent years on a self destruction path when I was younger and the age old "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has some sort of truth to it. Take care of yourself and appreciate the little things.
Shit gets too stressful or shitty reach out. Nearly always around and a simple message away. Glad you are still around. :)
I felt pretty indestructible until my best friend with identical lifestyle choices to mine died in her bathtub at the age of 27. Now, I know I am not indestructable. But you are right, anxiety is the LAST thing I need. :) Thanks.
We are but mere mortals. Sure we can try and off ourselves but it doesn't work... something as simple as a bacterium can take us out n kill us.. 0_0
Life is to short to worry about dying. It's the only guaranteed thing in life.. Why rush it? :P The highs, lows, pain and bliss are all parts of the experience. Past is the past, Now is fleeting and the future is completely open for us to mold into what we like. We got this!
These chest pains tho. O_O
I agree. I just hope I didn't shorten my future to like next week.
but psychosomatic stuff is real...so... I should stop
Yep. Mind over everything. :)
I can understand with the devastating effects of over consumption of medication....make your mind such strong that no medication can give you any ill effects...life is such a beautiful thing, never ever think of taking such a step again. When you're depressed, you may feel like you can't accomplish anything. That makes you feel worse about yourself. To push back, set daily goals for yourself.As you start to feel better, you can add more challenging daily goals.And always be thankful for everything you have, in this way you can remain in a very positive frame of mind...Good luck and big hug!
The problem is I was very, very severely abused and really need psychological help honestly. I am finally going to get that. :)
There is solution to any problem... hope you find that very soon....
I agree. Thank you. :)
ACK!
Sorry to hear you got into such a state of mind D: I'm glad you got through it and even more glad that you're glad you got through it!
And yay for your friend, he sounds awesome too.
Thank you. I am glad I am finally getting real help. I couldn't in Florida but here I can and I am so willing to admit I need it. I need therapy. I needed it since childhood but better late than never! Very weird to say but this whole trying to die thing made me really value my life and want to live!
I suffer from a chronic painful disorder for many years now. I won't tell you that it didn't go through my mind to end it all because some days it was the only thing I could think of.
In my opinion this has nothing to do with psychology. Pain is pain. It is similar to getting tortured jut for being alive. You can't do shit because you carry all this pain with you. People won't be able to empathize because they don't know what you go through. You stay home all day, you and your pain become best friends and worst enemies.
My suggestion before you attempt something like that again is to exhaust all medical possibilities. Get surgery, go in debt, whatever it takes, just try to solve the pain problem first and let all the other psychological crap on the side.
If and when you get relief from pain, even from medication, then do everything else.
Keep us updated.
That's exactly what I am doing. I can't go more into debt but I moved here because they offer expanded medicaid and finally am taking advantage. I have an appt this Mon to see a urologist. I already used illicit measures to get meds in the past but decided I really DO need a cystoscopy and don't need to dabble in street stuff to try to get relief. I will be a solider and work through this. I never plan to let myself become inebriated again to the point that I lose control and give in to that voice which usually I keep at bay.
just make sure to stop alcohol completely. it works much like gas in a fire with infections.
Hey laura, we all love you, i know we won't be able to hug you physically but hey, we are still bunch of humans behind the screen, so you have no right to feel lonely.
PS - I love you guys too!
We know you do girl :) we know you do
I have a right to feel whatever I want? Physical contact and interaction is pretty important actually. But I am very grateful to have the internet to connect to other humans and voice my feelings, especially on steemit. :)
Thank you sharing such a personal story. I can't relate to much, but one piece of it really stood out. Your making a difference and I hope you know the importance of that!
Wishing & praying for the best for you!
It's awesome that you admit you can't relate. That is really self aware and neat. Most people try to paint complex emotions as black and white and they're not. We all have such unique stories. :) Thanks for the prayers.
I've got tears in my eyes...
Stay with us Laura, the world needs old souls!
I will stay!!! <3
<3
I'm glad you failed also. Welcome back.
Thank you. :) It's a bit ridiculous I am alive with how reckless I am and how many times I have attempted to end my own life.
My brother used to be very suicidal. He would write songs about dying . They were very beautiful songs. I would tell him if he could change the words and keep the melody he would have a really good song. He didn't want to change the words. Years later I get it. You see he put so much energy into writing those songs of suicide that he never got around to doing it. So maybe him writing those song saved his life. Later he told me when he was out of town he was on one of the bay bridges and was going to jump. From the water he heard voices saying, Jump, just jump, come on jump. As he was hearing those voices he heard another very calm voice, Are you sure you want to end it all this way? You will never get to do all the things you are supposed to do. When he heard that very calm voice he got off the bridge and drove home. I am so glad he listened to that very calm voice.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate story. Your brother sounds like a very thoughtful, strong, creative man. I am glad he did not jump.
I sadly have sometimes not heard the calm voice but usually only when under the influence which is why sobriety needs to be a priority now.
I'm sure this post will speak to one or more readers and really help them. Sounds like you have a good support system building now, and I hope the future holds many good things for you!
Thank you. I was really scared to post it but that's how a lot of suicidal and mentally ill people feels and it only makes the isolation stronger so I decided it's best to share especially since I see myself having a happy ending with some hard work. :)