When does pursuing your dreams become irresponsible?

I've been asking myself that a lot lately, having just turned 36, taking up the reigns as a comic book illustrator; my dream job as a teenager. On the list of least lucrative careers you can pursue, comic book artist is near the top. Worse, I'm working on a creator owned comic book [...books, actually]. I'm not looking to be hired by DC or Marvel. My own story, my own art. Occasional highs, and more frequent lows as I run head first into insecurities regarding my work, personal limitations in my current skill level, and painful money constraints.

All of this has gotten me thinking about the whole "...follow your dreams" philosophy in life. Is that just an idealistic fantasy? Is that actually bad advice? As of my writing this, The Onion just posted this timely article, “34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point”. To complicate things, I'm a single dad. I have a five year old son and I need to provide for both of us. At what point does the pursuit of your dreams become straight up irresponsible? 

I've been here before, actually. As I've mentioned in previous blogs here, I'm transitioning out of a relatively successful photography career. My son just started kindergarten so my rigorous travel schedule was no longer possible [...which is fine, to be honest, as I've been burned out the last couple of years]. Prior to breaking in to LA, though, I struggled making a living as a photographer. I was good, but not great. I had a lot of improvements to make, and I was scraping up odd jobs, head shots, senior pictures, etc. Whatever I could cobble together to pay the bills with my passion.

I did eventually have a break. A shoot I did in Los Angeles in 2013 opened a lot of doors, and the years that followed did [kind of] make the ten year grind worth it. I got to do all the things aspiring artists dream about. Flying from LA to NYC regularly. Extensive travel and life in hotels. Photographing look books of some of the most beautiful models in the industry, with internationally recognized beauty teams. I'll forever be grateful for that experience, although there was much less romance than I imagined as a wide-eyed, hopeful art student.

The advantage I have is a wealth of personal and world experience the long path photography took me down, prior to making a significant splash in the industry. I'm fully aware, that in many ways, I'm starting over. Not from square one, though. I don't have the connections, or reputation to start getting paid for my illustration, but I have some advantages. I've gained a nice little social media following over the years shooting for reputable fashion brands and celebrities. Although the vintage fashion community and comic book culture aren't the same, there's a surprising amounts of cross pollination. I also have a background in illustration and comic book design. I've done it my entire life [...much of that as an amateur, but I started making some gains in the industry in the late 90's].

So, am I being irresponsible? I'm in the midst of a turbulent life change, and my career is a big part of that. I don't have a choice. My son has to be on the bus every morning, and I have to be there when he gets home. His school schedule supersedes my work schedule as a photographer. Although your situation may differ, the question endures "...is it too late?", "Is this a pipe dream?". At some point, almost all of us will be up against this dilemma.

It comes down to calculated risk and over the last six months, I've been doing a lot of calculating. For me, even at the height of my photography career, my income was barely above the poverty line. I grossed $24K last year, and that was my best year in the last five. Clearly, money isn't the incentive [...you sort of accept that if you're going to be pursuing art as a career]. So, happiness and a sense of purpose weighs down the other side of the scale significantly. I do feel this is my purpose, and a worthwhile use of my time here on earth.

How to make it happen depends on your resourcefulness, and resilience. If there's anything I've learned, it's that I'm a stubborn motherfucker. I'm in that awkward phase of this new venture, where I constantly feel self conscious about my work. I'm known to most as a photographer, and it's difficult to pivot a public image to an entirely different artistic identity. I'm aware, however, that these challenges can be overcome by consistently turning out great work, so that's what I'm going to do.

The thing that drives my commitment, and the thing I would remind anyone  against this kind of decision; you’ll never be “ready” for potential pitfalls of a meaningful pursuit. Consequently, in many ways, you’ll never realize your potential as an artist, photographers, film makers, musicians, etc. until you assume those risks…even if they’re late in life. By that, I mean the kind of opportunities that demand your best to overcome nerves, insecurity and professionalism, will not present themselves until you’re on that path. Hobbyists in any medium rarely face the challenges that force you to raise the bar, and thus, they remain hobbyists. 

In closing, I hate to paint a picture as bleak as “What would you rather regret?”, but without this passionate pursuit in my mid 30’s, I’d be saddling up to a better paying, more steady day job like Target, Apple or Best Buy. I can go forward, living poor but bringing my stories to life. It’s stressful and requires all of my aforementioned resourcefulness and tenacity. The alternative, however, gives me a cushy career with much less risk; comics on the side […which inevitably becomes less and less], and a retirement where I have all the time in the world to reflect on the lost years that I gave up on my passion. And then, it really will be too late.

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