Classical Conditioning

I took a walk before entering my house, alone in the dark. My feet splashed in the puddles of the cracked sidewalks, and cars passed by as a reminder that most do not see my existence. It was almost a relief. During that moment, I was not paying attention to how alone I was. I was paying attention to the attempt to not be overwhelmed, even though I could feel my heart pounding harder and harder with each step.

A man was standing on his dimmed-light porch, so I took a turn to avoid him. I tried to keep walking, but I only wanted to fall to the ground.

I quickly made my way back home, passing two young kids that I wanted to embrace. I could not go inside, and let my family see the tears streaming down my face. So, I made it into my backyard.

It was raining harder now as I lean my back against my cold shed. I took my jacket off, even though it was getting cold, but at that moment I had no idea why. My knees got weaker, so I allowed myself to slide my back down until I was sitting on the pavement, letting the rain hit my face and bare arms. The conscious part of me was focusing on the raindrops, and how they were the only thing making me feel like a person.

Finally, I made it into my room swiftly. Right before doing something drastic, my mother interrupted my thought process. It did not go well, causing me to leave.

I allowed myself to scream like a banshee in the comfort of my carpeted car seat, letting all of the emotion I could not comprehend out at once. It seemed nonstop, and there seemed like there was nothing else that I could do.

I ran through the places that I could go for comfort, but they all were too far away. I thought of all of the people I could seek comfort in, but they all were too far away.

After the crying, there was a blank stare of mine through the windshield, only feeling alone now.

During this current moment, now; I am furious at the person that conditioned me to feel like I need someone “sane” to watch over me when I am upset, because I have no idea what I should fee