10 Ways To Deal With Losing The One Person You Want

I don’t know about you but I’d rather breakdance barefoot on
broken glass than be rejected by the only person I want and
desire. And yeah, I’m serious. The pain of losing the one you
desire, the shame of being rejected, the self-doubt that sets in
when you’ve been denied, they all teach you how emotional pain
can feel far worse than physical pain. And I’m not speaking
metaphorically. I would gladly do bloody backspins before
suffering heartbreak. The shitty thing is… we rarely get to choose.
I was once skateboarding down a super-steep hill in San
Francisco when my board started to shake from speed-wobbles.

Since I was going faster than cars were driving, when I finally
crashed I shoved my hands down just as I hit the pavement. I
thought I’d brace against the impact and then roll. Instead, my
hands stuck to the blacktop, I slid the length of numerous parked
cars, and I sanded off all the skin from both hands. When I
stopped sliding, my hands were smoking. I’m not kidding. Real
smoke. That hurt like a motherfucker. Took weeks before I could
use my hands again. But I learned a broken body eventually
heals. However, a broken heart… feels like it’ll never be whole
again. Just like with my skinless smoking hands, I speak from
experience.

Recently, a woman I’d fallen for, she told me we have no future
together. Ours was a long distance relationship- an affectionate
friendship. And when I say long distance, there’s an ocean and a
continent between us. I’m such a naïve romantic I thought we
could overcome such distance. We had the internet to help us. I
believed love conquers all. But I learned it can’t conquer the
doubts of the one you love.

When she told me she didn’t want do the long distance thing
there really wasn’t anything I could say. I offered to visit or move
there to be with her. She felt if I relocated, the pressure would be
unnatural, and she’d feel guilty if things didn’t work out. I didn’t
understand this line of thinking. I still don’t. But I don’t blame
her. I have to accept my heart knows what it wants while hers is
unsure. And now, I must find a way to move on. After many long
nights, lots of cussing and trips to the beach to let waves wash
over me and wipe away my sadness, I wrote out this list. If you’re
dealing with heartbreak, it should help you, too.

1. Don’t Consider Your Loss… Think Of It As Their Loss

When another person makes it clear they don’t want to be with
you how else can you feel other than rejected? But this doesn’t
mean it’s your loss. That’s looking at the wrong side of the kiss.
Rather than focus on how you don’t get to know the softness of
their lips. Remember they also miss out on the fullness of yours.
And when you see it as their loss and not yours, it helps you
maintain your confidence. Too often we focus on what we’re
missing. But the one who walked away also misses out on
something. You. That’s their mistake. Feel bad for them. Pity their
loss. If you can see it that way you keep your value and maintain
your confidence. Just because they don’t want you doesn’t mean
you’re unworthy or unlovable.

1. Accept The Fact You Have No Control Over Outcomes

This one’s a little more difficult. You may feel tempted to do
things to change the outcome. You may think you can win their
heart if you just slightly change who and how you are when
you’re around them, or maybe act or dress like someone they find
more attractive, or perhaps somehow you can make them jealous,
or maybe you can seduce them and romantically overwhelm them
with the irresistibility of you. But let me tell you, none of that shit
will work. You can’t force things to happen. If you try, all you end
up doing is looking desperate. And no one likes desperate. It’s
unattractive. It casts a glaring spotlight on your fear you won’t get
what you want. It shows how you’re willing to go to ridiculous
lengths to be with the one you want. It suggests you don’t believe
it will happen, and that you’re willing to do dumb shit to control
the outcome. Instead, of playing games, accept you have no
control over other people, no control over situations, and the only
thing you can control is… yourself.

1. Never Forget… ABC (Always Be Cool)

Which brings us to the best thing you can do. Be cool like Fonzi.
You know how The Fonz never acted emotionally stupid? He was
unflappable. You have to be cool with what’s happened. This will
feel impossible. But if you remember #1 and #2, it gets easier
with each passing day. So during those times when you want to
send them a text message, or “like” a Facebook status update, or
you want to retweet something they posted, or maybe even call
them up and “just check in,” all of these would be motivated by
the idea they’ll see how funny/compatible/perfect for each other
you are… so just don’t. Remind yourself. ABC. Always Be Cool.
Fonzi wouldn’t drunk text someone. He knows it’s their loss. And
that’s your new job. Keep your cool.

1. Allow Yourself Moments to Be Sad (But Don’t Feel Sorry For
   Yourself)

Now, unlike an imaginary character like The Fonz, you’ll have
moments of weakness, moments of sadness, moments when tears
wet your cheeks and there’s not much you can do to stop them.
Don’t even try. There’s nothing wrong with crying, there’s
nothing wrong with being sad. The only danger is when you let
those feelings linger too long. Give yourself moments, days,
maybe even weeks of sadness. But eventually, if you continue to
dwell on your sadness, you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. And
if you need some perspective take a trip down to any burn center
or trauma unit whenever you want or need an undeniable
reminder of why you shouldn’t feel sorry for yourself.

1. Distract Yourself

If you’re having trouble, forgetting about the one you lost, the
best thing to do is distract yourself. Visit people who do care
about you. Spend time with folks who bring you joy. Take up a
new hobby. Find a new passion. Try something you’ve always
been curious about but have yet to ever do. If you have the time
and money, travel. If you don’t have the time and money, then let
literature and films carry you away. Especially, things that make
you laugh. Treat comedy like medicine and when the blues pay
you a visit, let laughter be your antidote. Watch old favorites and
seek out new funny films as well. The key is not to dwell on you,
your past, or your lost future. Distract yourself with positivity.
Laughter, like truth, will set you free.

1. Stop Beating Yourself Up

Another key to fighting the temptation to dwell on how you feel is
to stop beating yourself up. It’s not your fault. Sometimes we
don’t get what we want. That’s just how it goes. So accept this sad
piece of wisdom and recognize there probably wasn’t anything
you could’ve done differently. But for the sake of argument, let’s
say there was. Well, there’s nothing you can do about it now. So
let it go. Unless you have a time machine, all you can do is learn
from the past. You can’t fix it.

1. Give Up The Idea It Might Work Out Eventually

Another thing that’s super-important is you’ll need to give up the
idea things might work out, eventually. Yes, none of us knows
what will happen in the future. But that doesn’t mean you should
use that as an argument to hold out hope. Maybe the one who got
away will realize what they’re missing and come back, but don’t
hang on to such a silly life preserver of hope. Start swimming.
Focus on right now. They’re gone. So act like they’re gone and
don’t wait for them to come back. If for some reason they do
come back, let it be a pleasant surprise. In the meantime, live
your life.

1. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

You may find in your darkest moments you’re comparing yourself
to others, and their happiness feels like knives between your ribs
and darts stabbing you in your eyes. We all love to compare
ourselves to others, but just don’t. You never know how others
really feel. You think you can see how unfair life is, how another
couple is just so goddamn happy, and how they have the perfect
life and it’s just so horribly unfair. But you never know. Maybe
driving home, a month from now, one of the people in that
perfectly happy couple is killed by a drunk driver. And the
survivor is left to mourn. Don’t assume anything. And don’t
compare yourself. It’s a waste of your time.

1. Don’t Be Embarrassed… Be Proud

You may feel pathetic or pitiful, that you’re obviously an
unlovable loser. But you’re not. You’re just unlucky. Don’t be
embarrassed because you put your heart out there and someone
else said, “No thanks.” Be proud you were willing to love. There
are far too many people in this world who will never be as brave
as you were. And those people have almost zero chance of ever
knowing love because they’re not trying and failing. You may
have failed this time, but anyone who’s ever wanted anything in
this world most likely had their share of disappointments and
setbacks. So be proud you risked your heart. And get ready to do
it again… that’s the only way you’ll find real and lasting love.
Don’t pull a Bogey in “ Casablanca ” and shut your heart off from
the world, in the hopes that it never gets broken again. It took a
team of screenwriters to get his character, Rick, to open his heart
back up. You don’t have that luxury. Just be proud of yourself and
keep trying. Love is worth a little pain along the way.

1. Trust Your Future Will Surprise You… And Move On

Finally, here’s one other piece of advice from Hollywood. William
Goldman, the screenwriter who gave us “ The Princess Bride ” and
a number of other great movies, is often quoted for saying a great
truth about Hollywood, but it applies to life in general. “Nobody
Knows Anything.” These three little words hold so much wisdom.
And you, my friend, may think you know how things will turn
out, or what to expect in your future, or that you know what
you’ve learned from your past, but then one little event occurs or
a realization surfaces that proves everything you thought you
knew is wrong.

Have faith in the great weirdness of life and trust your future will
surprise you. Let the promise of that premise help you to move
on. Don’t wait for the future to happen. You still have to get out
there and do things to find the love and happiness you deserve.
But trust that you never know what tomorrow holds in its hands.
And move with eager and open eyes towards the rising sun of a
new dawn and perhaps, you’ll get lucky. The future will always
surprise you. Sometimes, it’s shitty and you’ll find heartbreak
waiting around the bend. Other times, the surprise is more
wonderful than you could have designed it.

Wesley Snipes said always bet on black.
I’m here to remind you to always bet on the great weirdness of
life.
Just stay open to love.