THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN CHANGE YOU LIFE IS YOU. I'M TAKING CONTROL OF MINE.
I have been looking back over my life a lot whilst i have been away from here and in a low mood. The abuse i went through as a child didn't bother me so much when i was growing up, leaving school and getting a job. Having my own money and doing as i wanted helped me push those thoughts and feeling deep inside, locking them away. I suppose the alcohol i drank and nights out helped me steer away from those thoughts as they kept me out of the house away from the people i hated the most.
I had relationships, some good ones but i never relaxed, i was always on alert plus i was always the one to end it even if things were good. I didn't like the closeness. I never told anyone about the abuse until i was nearly 30, its something i was scared of telling Incase people thought i was weak.
My bad times didn't start until i thought about having children. The thoughts that went through my head were scary, would i be like my parents, could i control my anger. thankfully i didn't need to worry as i am definitely not like them. Having children started to open the box i had closed and locked away deep inside of me.
The 1st person i told was my hubby, we had been going out for 4 years, he didn't have a clue and at the time had a good relationship with my parents, things changed when he found out. I wasn't speaking to my parents at that time but hubby wanted to go knock my father out. I told him they aren't worth doing time for plus what had happened couldn't be changed.
I have been through so many counsellors, i am on anti depressants, i have problems dealing with people, I'm 54 and suffered most of my adult life. But something my hubby said earlier this year has started to play on my mind.
Hubby You have changed so much
Me How
Hubby You were such a strong person when i met you, nothing stopped you
I was and can see how different i am now but the only person who can help me is ME.
I now keep telling myself.
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOT IN MY LIFE ANYMORE
NO ONE CAN HURT ME NOW
I AM STRONGER THAN THEM
I DON'T NEED TO FEEL BAD ANYMORE
THIS IS MY LIFE
ONLY I CAN CHANGE IT
Yes i get depressed, yes i feel low but that's who i am and i can deal with it. This year i will change for the better.
Thank you son-of-satire
One should always have the control of their own lives.
After all it is yours
Unfortunately when an abuser is involved things change
Nice post..
You are working on it even now! That's awesome
I know that maybe it has not been an easy life, but look how far you have come and also you have a husband who supports you
Thank you :)
The positive mindset will help you more than anything. You have been through so much and it has made you stronger and you are not the person your parents were because You decided not to be. I grew up in a terrible situation and I was bound and determined I would not raise my kids the same way. The people that hurt you are dead and buried. They can no longer hurt you, only if you let them. The past is past. You have moved forward. Just keep plodding along. You will get to where you want to be...
Thank you. That is my plan from now on :)
Control is an illusion...those of us who suffer childhood trauma naturally attempt to gain control to never experience the trauma again...it warps our sense of reality...I found I needed to admit "I was powerless and rely on a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity"...ironically that didn't make me weaker...it made me stronger as I learned to "accept the things I couldn't change and the courage to change the things I could"...it helped me to find humans I could talk to who understood and professional assistance as needed....every day is a battle to feel "normal"....thankfully I do a much better job at defining what that means to me and give myself a lot of pats on the back for having the "courage to change"..."progress not perfection"....
The best to you in your journey...
Thank you. I am learning and i am getting stronger. :)
@ karenb54 I really regret what you had to go through dear friend @ karenb54
You are right in saying that we are the ones in control of our lives to be able to change it
I wish you a beautiful night
Thank you dear friend :)
The power of positive thought.
You are what you think you are, think good thoughts only.
Yes Sir, that's what I'm aiming for :)
Mind over matter, draw on the good things in your life and world.
I am trying too :)
Sad story but it affects a lot of people ... I know I was in that same space @karenb54 ... the hardest thing to fix was low self esteem and that took me well into my 30's.
The easiest way is "Let It Go" . Simple statement but so so difficult to do yet it is the answer.
All the best with your 'fix me' journey .. {hug}
Thank you, I am trying ti let it go, 54 and still trying but determined to win :)
keep truckin..... it is worth it in the end. I still have many small relapses 26 years later but generally I think I okay now.
I will thank you and you keep your going :)