Toxic friendship?
Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship with someone?
It possibly began like my meeting with Jolene. I liked her immediately.
We seemed to share several interests ..... photography, gardening and pets. In no time (that is a warning incidentally) we were walking our dogs together and taking our cameras.
In a couple of weeks the friendship became close. We were sharing cups of tea and looking over our favourite photographs twice a week and then it was a daily occurrence. It became overpowering and I felt helpless. (THAT you never are, take it as friendly advice)
It seemed that as soon as my husband drove off down the road than she and Peppy were at my gate and the whole morning would disappear in a flash. I tried making excuses but her abject disappointment was too much for my soft heart. I learned so many secrets about her and her family. At first I was flattered but soon I was overwhelmed by facts and figures that were not doing me any good. Her words, " you will never guess what my sister Eva's husband said to her......." filled me with dread. No I couldn't guess and I didn't want to even know any more. But I said nothing. (And that is another warning.)
It all came to a head when she invited me shopping and offered to fetch me in her car.
We hadn't driven more than 200 metres from my gate when she began. "You know Betty that you a a dear friend to me," my heart physically lurched, I knew there was a huge BUT coming and indeed it did!
"BUT you are really not looking after yourself properly. You are far too busy and I can see that your health is declining..." and on and on she rattled like the exhaust pipe of her ageing car. She told me 'straight' and 'for my own good' exactly how I should be behaving, what vitamins I should be taking and how to be a better dog owner.
She only paused to give another driver a rude finger signal when he dared to edge forward to join a long line of traffic. I even felt as though I might faint but when I opened the car window she firmly informed me that the fumes from passing cars were poisonous, "like your tongue" I thought desperately.
True to my personality I kept quiet and she didn't even notice.
In a moment of inspiration, in the aisle between dairy products and fresh vegetables, I claimed to have a bad headache, "a migraine I think." She gave the pawpaw she was holding an extra pinch, dropped it and said, "well I suppose we had better go home then even though I have lots of other shopping to do," and thankfully we did.
I lay on my bed with tears of distaste in my eyes, for her and especially my cowardly behaviour.
My throat choked on her condescending words as she left, " see, if you looked after yourself better you wouldn't have had to ruin our day out." I felt as though I had been hi-jacked, violated and in a very real sense I had.
Worst of all I had allowed it! I only had myself to blame.
First of all I had allowed this friendship to grow far too quickly.
I had permitted her to become the controlling party. No matter that it is not in my personality to be argumentative or bossy I should have seen the warning signs. My husband had mentioned a few things that had bothered him and I had waved them away, "she means well," I said.
I was shocked at how disturbing her words of 'advice' were. It was actually harsh criticism, a ploy to keep me literally 'in the passenger seat'. The realisation that she felt powerful enough in our relationship to assume total control over me, made me gag. I rushed to the bathroom.
I made a decision over a calming cup of tea in my pretty garden that it was over. I had woken up in time from this toxic 'friendship' to put an end to it.
And I did.
I was quiet but extremely FIRM and the shock when she realised that she couldn't dominate me for one more second, flamed in her eyes,
......"after all that I've done for you," she exclaimed as she pulled a reluctant Peppy down the road behind her.
I missed that sweet little dog.
Sadly, good decisions often require sacrifices.
Some of you dear readers have been conned into a 'friendship' of this nature and others of you are in the midst of such a toxic relationship. It is never too early or too late to put a STOP to such violation. People who value each other, accept each other for who they are, are kind and respectful, are worth having as friends. If anybody even begins to step on, let alone trample your values and customs then they ARE NOT WORTHY of being called your acquaintance let alone your friend.
Let my experience speak for itself. Judge any questionable relationship that you might be having by what happened to me and END IT. If you are a very sensitive person have someone with you for support but be firm and stick by your decision.
An excellent marker for judging a good friendship is whether or not YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD together.
From that day I'm happy to say I have became slower to invite any person into my 'space'. I evaluate their worthiness to be allowed into my home....into my life. I want to know if I can trust them to treat me with respect and influence my children in a fitting way.
Happily, this very unpleasant experience has taught me a great deal about the true meaning of friendship.
