Dark And Twisty Me 🖤
We all have a dark side. I often refer to it as my dark and twisty space. It’s not a space that I enjoy spending a lot of time in but it’s a part of me none the less. You can’t have the good without the bad, right? Look, for the most part I am an extremely positive person. I generally look for the feel good in most of the situations that I find myself in. I have also learnt to acknowledge the fact that I have done a lot of damage to myself over the years. My denial to this fact led me to become very good at not dealing with these emotions. I just found it easier to move on. Get up and move onto the next thing. I never dealt with any of the pain. I just didn’t see the point in being pulled down by it as well as just not having had the time for it.
Eventually I realized that I had become toxic with it all. Think about having food poisoning and not being able to get that poison out of your body. This is what happened to me eventually. I didn’t deal with anything so it all just started piling up. As it piled up it made me sicker and sicker!
One of the most important lessons that I have learnt the past few months is that, even though I had buried it, doesn’t mean that I had resolved it. Sure, it was gone from my conscious mind but it never left my subconscious. Slowly but surely, I have started with digging up and working through these unresolved hurts.
As I was working through it all I discovered that for years I had believed that I was the victim. I felt as if all these things happened because of this or that. Then I saw the pattern. I had allowed a lot of it to happen in the first place! This realization shocked me! I had to admit that I was to blame too. In accepting that and working through it I found a lot of peace. I started to forgive those that I believed had wronged me in some way. I started to forgive myself for the pain I had caused myself and for the pain that I had caused others. The bitterness melted away and I found peace. That’s the long and the short of it.
If I hadn’t started digging it all up I would never have realized that. I would never have identified my own self negative dialogue and been able to accept it as that small part of me. I’m aware that it exists now. It will visit every now and then. It’s not a bad thing though, it’s a reminder of everything that I have gained by accepting that. That part of me does exist. If you don’t acknowledge something then it can’t change.
My writing has helped to bring me to this point. To a point where I can forgive myself and others and finally move on. That doesn’t mean that my dark and twisty self will forever be silenced. It just means that when it surfaces I don’t run and hide. I accept that side of things and often wonder what it was that awoke it in the first place?
Below is an example of some of my very own dark and twisty thoughts. I often grab a pen and paper and write it out. For me it gives that part of me a voice. I’m a fair person and it deserves to have its say too. It’s always pretty raw so this is the part where I warn you about ‘not for sensitive readers’. I just felt that this would explain it a bit better:
Thought that I would find myself in this situation ever again?
I suppose I should have realized that I am what I am.
I do what I do and yet I’m wrong somehow?
I am!
I found it!
I found it!
Again and again I scream
I found it!
I doubt it!
It’s me.
I’m here and I found it!
I found it here.
Somewhere where I never thought I would.
Thank you for reading and remember to keep smiling 😊
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That really is deep shit @jusipassetti! It's wonderful that your writing has helped you sweep all the rubbish away instead of sweeping it under the carpet, steemit has helped so many of us :):)
It really has @lizelle. It amazes me how much you learn about yourself and others here.
We all mess up some point of our life. There are flaws and shortcomings. But that will not hold us back if we learn from it and move on. Accept it, forgive yourself and keep hustling.
Thank you @jusipassetti for sharing this.
Thank you @rezoanulvibes for your support.
You're welcome, @jusipassetti!
There is nothing wrong to embrace darker side because they eventually go together side by side and end-result does not have to be necessarily disastrous because of it.
I don't know if you know about this character from Animated movie ' Inside Out' but Sadness or Darkness are equally important in life.
You're right @bluemist, you can't have the one without the other. I love this movie and watch it often with my kids.
Thanks for your heart filled honesty..."Awareness Acceptance Action"...is a motto in a twelve step program I've attended for many years...It helped me perform that inward search I so desperately needed...its not easy to see and accept our humanness...however...there was and is a great relief to know and love myself as I am...all of me...as one who is older than he wants to be...lol....its very obvious to see people in my age group reallly stating to act "strangely" directly as the result of the demons they never faced...I'm a firm believer that the stuff we "stuffed"....guides our actions subconsciously and haunts us in our later years when our systems don't have the capacity or strength....due to aging...physical ailments....to force back down those dark parts we never acknowledged....good luck with your continued journey...
Thank you @bobreedo for your thoughts and for the well wishes. You can't run away from it forever is what I've really come to understand. Deal with it and accept it and move on with the lessons that you have learnt. Blessings to you too xxx.